When can I get in the birthing pool (home birth)?

[claraenglish]

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Clara, huge congratulations on your beautiful boy!!!!! Enjoy the babymoon and get plenty of rest, no heroics OK? Pelvic floor needs recuperation time!

I'm so sorry that dp is not as in love with baby as you expected.

Firstly, YOU are going through huge hormonal changes and at day 3 just switching a light on could open the flood gates! You will cry at anything! It's normal, don't stress about that.

(((((Clara))))))

And as other posters have said it's different for men. My ds dad was never involved with ds until he was a toddler. I felt very alone.

DD's dad is much more hands on but still wasn't as interested in the early stages, when I was the main carer and was bf. He did however change nappies etc as much as he could. Both Dads are much better with the kids once they could respond more. DD's dad also was not interested at all in pg and that gutted me, I'd got bump photos taken and they're at the bottom of a drawer...

Also men feel wierd about holding such little babies, they seem to think they're fragile.
So can you tell dp how you feel and that you need to feel loved after giving him a gorgeous son? Men need to hear how you feel, they're not psychic, I'm afraid, and although it's so obvious to us, they rarely get it without having it shown to them in black and white.

Hopefully your baby blues period will pass quickly but please make sure that you have physical and emotional support just now. Visitors must make their own cuppies and should really bring food and do the hoovering etc. OK?

PS I really love the post where you describe how you feel about your son!!! Fabulous! I could just eat my dd!

Clara, firstly congratulations on your new arrival!

As others have said, please not to try and worry too much about your dh's reaction to your new baby. From a biological point of view, when you gave birth your body released a huge peak of oxytocin, which is a hormone which actually makes you fall in love with your new baby. Every time you breastfeed you release more of it which helps bond you even more closely. Your dp hasn't experienced these things so he doesn't have the hormonal connection that you have at the moment.

I think society places a huge amount of pressure on new dads to fall instantly in love with their babies and be 'hands-on' but for many dads (and mums) it doesn't happen immediately and is a gradual process. Remember everybody is different - some couples fall in love instantly, at first sight and for others it takes time to get to know each other before the love comes.

There was an article in The Guardian a week or two ago by Zoe Williams about how she spends most of the day saying or thinking how cute her new baby is, but her dh just doesn't get it at all! My dh always says that he doesn't really 'do' babies and finds the first few months really hard work with few rewards because they mostly just cry, feed and sleep. Once they start to be a bit more interesting he always falls madly in love and is the most devoted father you could come across.

Be kind to yourself and your dp and just give it time - I'm sure the bond will come

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clara, it almost seems as though the birth is not the catalyst for the breakdown of things, but has brought problems into sharp focus for both of you. however, this is a massive period of adjsutment, and not a time for hasty decisions. not that i am advocating staying in a desperately miserable relationship for the sake of your baby, but to give yourselves time to adjust to the totally new direction your lives together as parents, rather than as partners/ lovers. keep posting, and we will offer whatever advice/ opinion and help we can. take it easy, but do not be forced into giving up BF or having baby in with you to make DH happy, your happiness and the comfort of your baby are paramount for these first few weeks.

I may be well of the mark but it sounds as if your dp is truggling with all the attention you new addition has taken off him, what i mean by this is when we have babies who depend on us as mothers our instinct is to be there, make them happy & they come first, he ounds a bit jealous? not a bad thing & totally understandable as a new baby takes over, try not to stress about it as it will bring you down, you are doing the right thing & a great job.

Congratulations by the way

Can I just pick up on the fact that he thought he was losing you when you became withdrawn in labour?

Tell him that this is VERY normal and women are supposed to go into themselves, withdraw from outside stimuli in order to give birth. He was obviously frightened by it but you were normal. Hopefully that might help him understand.

Unfortunately he is obviously struggling with his emotions and probably did not expect this which makes it worse.

He may be feeling resentful of this little person, whom he can't relate to yet, because that person nearly lost him his lovign partner.

I think my dp also felt wierd about dd when I was pg because I was self absorbed about my pg and plannign my VBAC. You may not have been aware of it but maybe he felt left out before baby was even born.

BF is NOT disgusting and your boobs are not there solely for him but they do a grand job feeding his son and also providing pleasure for him at other times, I hope he can come to see that.

got to go, keep posting so we can support you, It is VERY early days yet.

Stay strong

claraenglish - Firstly congratulations, well done. I next want to admit to something that is very hard to say but it is true. Some people do not fall in love with their babies instantly, and it happened with me. After I gave birth to my ds I felt nothing, I knew how to look after babies as I had looked after several during my teenage years. But I just felt like I was babysitting! I kept waiting for the baby's mum to come and take him away! I know this sounds strange to some but it was the way I felt. My dh meanwhile fell instantly in love with our son and could not understand how I felt, it was really tough, I felt like I had failed with maternal instincts. It was not for another 5 months before things started to change. I gradually fell in love with my son, by the time he was seven months I could say that I would have resisted anyone taking him away.

My sister felt this too with her children, some people can fall in love instantly (whether with partner or baby) but others grow to love the other person.

Please be patient with your partner, he had a frightening experience with thinking he was going to lose you, but his feelings towards his newborn son will change, given time. I really hope that you can work this through with him.

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Claraenglish you poor lamb

Regardless of how your DP feels about his son, it is not on that he does nothing towards caring for him physically. It is too much to ask you to do everything. It is really not on that you have to take your DS into another room to look after him because it offends your DP. Is there any way you can get this across to him?

My DH and I did not bond with DS when he was first born, because it was such a traumatic birth and DH was worried about me. But it did not stop DH from carrying on with his responsibility to share the looking after his son. After a few weeks we both realised how much we loved DS and the bond has been unbreakable since, so a shaky start does not mean your DP cannot bond with his son.

BTW it might be worth your starting another thread on this as the title is a bit out of date now but I am sure there are lots of MNers with similar experiences who could help

Clara,

I was just checking this thread to see how your birth went...congrats on your lovely son and having such a great birth but so to read about your DP.

Have you started another thread - can you do a link on here?

I don't know what to say as I haven't had this problem but I do think he needs to talk to someone about how he felt during the birth and also he needs to get involved with his son. Big time.

have you talked to your MW about this? Is your DP around when the MW comes or is he always at work? If you've been signed off by the Mws then contact your HV. I think you need to actively address this NOW. He should be cuddling the baby and doing nappies with joy - you do the feeding, he can do the rest.

new thread here