I wish people would stop telling me I’m lucky.

[YicketyYackMamasBack]

‘I’m lucky that I didn’t have to experience contractions.’

‘I’m lucky that I didn’t have to go through labour.’

‘I’m lucky I never had to go through all that pain.’

I’m not lucky.

I’m not lucky that my placenta didn’t work.

I’m not lucky that at 37 weeks my baby weighed a mere 4pounds 13oz.

I’m not lucky that the safest route out for her was by cesarean.

I’m not lucky that I didn’t get a choice.

I’m not lucky that my once managed anxiety is now out of control, due to being cut 5 layers deep.

I’m not lucky that I worry every day that I’m doing too much, or that I might get an infection.

I’m not lucky that I couldn’t care for my baby the
way I expected to in the first 2 weeks of her life.

I’m not lucky that every now I still can’t lift her in her car seat.

I’m not lucky that I still can’t drive to take her out.

I’m not lucky that I didn’t get to experience contractions, or labour.

Stop telling me I am lucky, like I’ve been given the easy option. It’s not easy.

Even when I tell people that I would have liked to experience a contraction, or I would have liked to have had the experience of labour and a vaginal birth. I get told ‘trust me, you wouldn’t have wanted that’ or ‘no you wouldn’t!’

Yes, I would.

Why wouldn’t I? For the pain? For being sore? For the risk of stitches?

I’m not fucking lucky.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this 💓 sending love

No it’s not the right word, but they probably want to pick you up a bit as they know it’s a hard option.

No it’s not the right word - perhaps a misguided attempt at saying you need to look at the positives? Any woman who comes through pregnancy and childbirth and holds a live baby in her arms and gets to be a Mum to that baby every day is lucky IMO.

Your experience sounds awful and trust me I know about horrendous and traumatic births, but holding on to the anger won’t benefit you or your baby. Maybe seek help for the way you feel about it so you can move forward in a positive way

I’m not lucky that the safest route out for her was by cesarean.

This is what you need to concentrate on. The safest option for your baby was a C section. That is all that matters., You have your baby -concentrate on that, and her.

Your birth experience doesn't sound lucky at all and I'm genuinely surprised that people are saying you are

Ignore it all OP

Maybe they see the hurt and are trying to reassure you ( badly)
If you’re not ok ask for help x

Someone at work told me how angry she was that I was going to have a C-section, because I wouldn't experience any of the pain of childbirth like she did. People told me I was too posh to push. I'm not posh and I wasn't given a choice (breech). Couple this with being unable to breastfeed and having an extremely pro-breastfeeding family member, I got hit bad with PND and feeling like an absolute failure. I didn't give birth, couldn't feed my child like a proper woman. Kid is now 7 but I still get flashbacks to the failure feelings.

You went through major surgery and you have a healthy baby - you've done great. It may not be the birth you wanted, but so much of this is out of our control.

Truthfully I think you need to focus on the fact that you had good antenatal care and that your daughter was delivered safely before things deteriorated further.

There are millions of women who have the delivery you feel you were robbed of and they are traumatised in different ways.

I have had three babies. In different ways their deliveries were all traumatic and overwhelming. You never know what will happen when you get close to giving birth.

You are lucky in that your daughter and you survived
She is here
Yes it wasn’t the end of pregnancy and delivery you think you wanted but that is the risk with any pregnancy and delivery

People don’t always know what to say for the best but you have people in your life that care enough to contact you and to be bothered. There are many not so fortunate.

I would highly recommend you seek some some professional counselling or therapy. I did as I was diagnosed with birth trauma and anxiety with one of my children and it helped immensely.

People can be tactless and just plain idiotic!! My baby was very small throughout my pregnancy and I barely showed, even at 8 months pregnant. He had severe IUGR. People said I was lucky to be so small!! I used to get so upset by that, thinking how lucky everyone else was to have a healthy pregnancy and big pregnant bellies. I had to have a c section at 37 weeks too and yes, that was lucky, because otherwise I don’t think my DS would have made it.

People can be insensitive and thoughtless and I really wish I hadn’t let their comments get to me. The pregnancy, the c section, my DS’s stay in hospital for week, and the associated anxiety, was hard enough!

Be kind to yourself right now, take things slowly and rely on the help of friends and family. I’ve been exactly in your position and it does get better!

@Trahira I think the word “lucky” is the issue

The single most important fact women preparing for the arrival of their baby need to understand the spectrum of scenarios that could unfold and things that may or may not happen.

Pregnancy is often an exercise in management of expectation and above all focusing on the fact that whilst we might write birth plans and have all these ideas in our head about how things will be, ultimately there are no guarantees.

Then when or if things do not go as we had hoped we are to some degree mentally prepared for that delineation

You ARE lucky because both you and your baby are here and are alive and healthy and have a long future together, touch wood.

I say that as someone who has given birth both vaginally and by caesarean. What matters is that you both survived without lasting damage - your stitches will heal and it will all be part of the past.

You should appreciate that rather than obsessing over the details of how you didn't have the 'perfect' birth you wanted.

You ARE lucky because both you and your baby are here and are alive and healthy

Yes, but I assume the OP's problem is that people don't generally tell mothers of babies delivered vaginally how 'lucky' they are that they and their babies survived. They're calling her lucky because they think she got the easy option in having a CS. The 'too posh to push' myth isn't entirely out of circulation even now.

I’m grateful, but I am not lucky.

I’m grateful for the care both me and DD received. I couldn’t fault it, and the surgery itself was fine, no complications others than they gave me way too much spinal and I was numb to my chin, they said it was probably due to me being so small (5ft tall) that the dose was too much.

But the recovery has been hard. I’ve hated every second. I feel like the recovery has interrupted me being a mum for the first few weeks.

DD is 5 weeks old now and the only thing I feel lucky for is that I haven’t developed PND against her, maybe I feel down about the experience but I feel nothing but overwhelming love for DD, I’m lucky for that.

It’s not that I don’t consider me and her being lucky to be alive.. it’s the fact that when it’s said and I explain that if I had had a choice I would have like to have at least tried labour or just experienced it to say that I have experienced it. My family talk about how bad contractions are but they can’t quite explain the pain because you forget. I can’t do that, I don’t have a story to tell other than things went wrong and they had to cut me open. I led on a table.. that’s it.

It’s just annoying when people tell me I wouldn’t have wanted to experience labour after I’ve said I would have. As if because I didn’t experience it they can make up my mind on whether or not I would have wanted to.

I think it's prpobably only those lucky people that had a decent vaginal birth who are callous enough to say your are lucky in your situation.

My first birth was horrendous, which ended up with an assisted birth, bay in SCBU for a week, me needing a blood transfusion and in hospital for 5 days. I certainly couldn't really enjoy my baby for about 2 months. Births rarely go as planned, expected or desired.

Now oyu have a baby, you will be on the receiving end of plenty of unrequested advice and comments - some plain ridiculous, some quite hurtful, some hopefully genuinely helpful. It's easiest to ignore.

Please just concentrate on your baby.

Diverging from many of the responses on here: you might well need to talk about this, and concentrating on your baby may not be quite enough to move past the birth itself. And if these feelings are getting you down, or you feel they’re getting in the way of you enjoying your baby, you might want to talk to a therapist or someone. It sounds as though it was all quite traumatic and it’s quite normal to grieve for the experience you hoped to have, even while being grateful you got to bring a healthy baby home.

The Birth Trauma Association website may be helpful, and they also have a closed Facebook page which you can join and which is a safe place to express these kinds of feelings without judgement.

Also, if you have questions about how and why things happened as they did at the birth, your hospital may offer birth reflections/birth afterthoughts, which may be helpful if this is still bothering you after the first few weeks/months. Essentially, you can sit down with a midwife or other professional to go through your notes and they answer your questions about what happened and why. I found it helpful after a birth which did not unfold as I would have chosen (albeit I was lucky as there were no concerns for my baby’s wellbeing during the delivery).

Oh, and whether or not you were lucky: you were brave. You made difficult decisions and went through major surgery to keep your baby safe.

It's really insensitive for people to have said that to you. Someone said something really hurtful to my DH about c sections upon learning it was how I had my baby. It really got onto my head for a while so I can see where you're coming from.

I'm sorry it wasn't the birth you had hoped for but you did so well. Congratulations on your baby. Honestly you should be really proud of yourself! Put your feet up, cuddle your baby and eat biscuits.

You did a lot more than lie on a table and get cut open. You were very brave, you underwent major surgery and you became a mother. I was prepped for a c section with my daughter but she turned before the operation and a scan sent me packing to the Labour unit, and the op cancelled. I remember being utterly terrified at the thought of the operation and how brave women were that went through it. I never for one second doubted it would feel like giving birth though. She was still coming out of my body just a different route!
You still gave birth.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. A c section is not the easier option by any means.
And it certainly it is not “less “ painful or traumatic.
Vaginal childbirth and c sections might physically seem like comparing apples and pears but the end result is the same. A baby.
Many women have lasting injuries and physical / psychological problems as a result of either.

I hope that these feelings fade in time for you as you continue your recovery and get to know your daughter.

There is so much more to being a mother than giving birth. However it is done. It is just the start of the journey.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like it was really hard for you. No, you're not lucky.

And before anyone jumps on me OF COURSE the OP is fortunate that her baby is well. That goes without saying. Every mother is grateful that her baby is healthy.

But what people forget when you've had a horrible birth experience is that despite the good fortune of your baby being well, the mother also matters. She's not just an incubator whose job is was to get a healthy baby into the world. She's a person.

OP in time you'll start to feel better. Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to process your feelings. Talk about them. In the interim have you thought about having a birth debrief, your HV or midwife should be able to refer you for one. Also The Birth Trauma Association has some really helpful resources online if you have a google.

I understand. I had a baby at 35 weeks by c-section. The amount of people who said I was lucky he was in nicu being cared for by nurses while I slept as much as I wanted was shocking. It wasn't even true either. I had to express every 4 hours, 24 hours a day. By the time I'd expressed, washed and sterilized the equipment and shuffled down to nicu with the milk it was nearly time to start all over again.