If you had a traumatic first birth and went on to have another baby

[Buddytheelf85]

I had a pretty traumatic birth nearly 8 weeks ago, largely due to poor care. I’m still recovering, both physically and mentally.

I know it’s very early days, but right now I can’t ever imagine going through pregnancy and childbirth again. I always wanted two children. My DH does too. But right now it feels like something I could just never do. I can’t imagine the anxiety I’d feel in pregnancy about the birth.

If you went on to have another child, how did you manage it? Did the trauma of the first birth just fade with time? Or did you take specific steps to deal with it? How did the first birth affect you during your second pregnancy and how did you deal with it?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

It actually makes me really cross that women like us are told we have PND when what we actually have is a perfectly normal reaction to our experiences

Yes. The nurses kept telling me “It’s OK to cry” but when I did cry they started giving each other looks and talking about PND. My reactions were completely normal but they acted like I was unstable. It made me worry that they would have my baby taken away from me if I showed any emotion. The way women during and after childbirth are treated makes me so angry sometimes!

I think due to the fact that a lot of people with pstd symptoms "recover" without treatment has led the NHS to want to wait to diagnose unless they really can't avoid it. Certainly my pyschriatrist said they didn't like to diagnose until at least 8-10 weeks after the traumatic event.

There is a period to wait before diagnosing PTSD because irrespective of the type of trauma, many people's symptoms (which are very normal after any traumatic event) do resolve naturally on their own. PTSD is a diagnosis for a group of symptoms that persist. The wait to diagnose is not because the nhs are trying to save money. The NHS follow international psychiatric diagnostic guidelines - they don't make the guidelines themselves. Just wanted to clear that up.

However, yes, it's awful that many women do not get the support they need, are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all. Many people probably develop PTSD because they didn't get even basic support with coping after a traumatic birth - the ongoing/worsening symptoms could have been avoided. There has been some money pumped into perinatal mental health services recently though so do seek help.

The wait to diagnose is not because the nhs are trying to save money.

I never said it was.

My first birth was a horrendous bin fire of an experience. Left me with chronic injuries that I later needed corrective surgery for. DD was perfect and healthy though.

I had an ELCS for DC2. It was fab.

First pregnancy- clomid pregnancy following two lots of surgery for endo/infertility. Severe hyperemisis, signed off at work at 26 weeks, SPD use to large baby (11lbs at birth), anaemia, threatened miscarriage twice, 38 hour labour resulting in a crash section under general anaesthetic as her pulse stopped. Lots of medical issues from birth. Vowed would never have another child.

However, I'm an only myself and didn't really want that for her so decided to come off the pill and what would be would be (considering what it took to fall pregnant wasn't expecting anything). Fell pregnant within 6 weeks coming off pill, hypermesis from 5 weeks, SPD, hospitalised twice for fluids and antibiotics due to kidneys packing in from vomiting and dehydration and an iron infusion. Elective c sec at 39 weeks, not without complications but no regrets either. No more for me now.

Complain. Complain to PALS. You don't have PND and you know it. You're injured and angry. Go have your say before it's too late. I wish I had.

I had a traumatic first labour, I have recently had my second (3 years later). I had counselling which helped, and would recommend doing this sooner rather than later as I have since realised how much the PTSD affected me and the way I parented DD1 (I felt constantly on edge). DD1 was about 18 months when I started the counselling.

My first labour wasn't anywhere near as bad as many of the stories I have heard, but it was very long and very painful and I felt totally and utterly ignored by the midwives. DD2 birth was actually very similar, but because of what I'd been through I had made a plan with the consultant beforehand, and also had a written birth plan which detailed the issues with my first labour and my specific fears (so I didn't have to actually talk about any of it when I was in labour). This really helped and I felt listened to this time around. Even though it didn't go quite to plan, I found DD2's birth quite healing.

Good luck, and congratulations on your new baby.

My first birth was really traumatic. my gp said she didn't actually expect me to fully heal (that sounds harsh written like that. She was really supportive and helpful in my healing and didn't tell me that until one of my final appointments). I desperately wanted another child but was so anxious.
When I got pregnant the second time I told the consultant (I was consultant led) and she booked a time where she went through all my previous notes with me. It was really informative and I remember thinking I'm sure the doctor/midwife told me something about this at the time but I don't really remember. Although to be honest I was on a lot of pain meds, needed blood transfusions and a load of other things, that although they were telling me I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to take it in. It answered a lot that was unclear in my head and the consultant told me what they would do for my next labour. There was also a midwife led thing where if I hadn't been under the consultant/ or has just wanted to find out about my labour you could book an appointment through. Maybe talk to your midwife to see if that's available under your trust.

My second child was a breeze. Spontaneous labour, no drugs, no medicine intervention, no tearing, no life threatening situations. Although it did affect my second labour but not anywhere near as badly as I thought it would (I kicked a midwife in the head as I had a mad idea I had to always be on all fours through out the labour to prevent baby being back to back) If that helps to hear that

I still get shudders about my first labour but it honestly does get better. That hormone that makes you forget does numb a lot of the reality of what happened.

It is early days and you might feel more at peace in a couple of months but you're doing the right thing talking to a gp about it just in case. Maybe talk to a health visitor at your next weigh in for baby as they see more new mothers than a gp so might know places to point you in.

It's not that long since you had your experience so it's far too early for you to even think about it!

I had a baby 9 days later who stopped moving so they induced labour (broke waters then drip) and baby was distressed with lots of meconium, ending in forceps delivery which brutalised us both. Not only was baby refluxy and difficult, I couldn't sit down properly for months and I remember the pelvic pain finally subsided at baby's second birthday. They were a long hard 2 years.

For years I grieved the loss of the second child I always wanted, then once, only once, husband and I threw caution to the wind and wives it was risky and stupid and we would never do that again! Only it was too late. Instead of responding to the pregnancy test with excitement, both husband and I went stone cold and both whispered "ohhh shit!"

I handled the prospect of a second birth by organising a c-section so I wasn't brutalised any further. In the end, second baby was born early so surprised us all, but the c-section was far more easy to recovery from and a vastly different experience. Half the time as well! The recovery was easier and everything. Now he's a cheeky gorgeous boy at school and I'm so glad we had him.

So I'd say honestly put it away for now. It's far too early to think about. Just concentrate on enjoying little baby because even though it feels like it will always be like this, it really does fly by. And I wish I could have my time back so I could enjoy it more and do it better!

I had counselling which helped, and would recommend doing this sooner rather than later as I have since realised how much the PTSD affected me and the way I parented DD1 (I felt constantly on edge).

I’m really sorry to hear this happened to you but I’ve been thinking about this a lot. On top of everything else, I never got the ‘overwhelming rush of love’ that you hear so much about for my son. Not only that, but the first four weeks or so, I couldn’t disassociate him from the pain and horror of his birth. I couldn’t look at him without reliving it. I was in so much pain I couldn’t move to look after him. I genuinely wanted someone to take him away. And I felt like a complete and utter monster for feeling like that. It wasn’t until a particularly awful night when I shouted at him for crying (deeply ashamed) and my DH grabbed hold of me and said ‘listen - nothing that happened is his fault’ that I realised what was going on.

My love for him is gradually growing now. And I subsequently discovered from threads on here and talking to friends that it’s actually extremely common to struggle to bond with your baby after a traumatic birth. Lots and lots of women do.

I feel like one of the most helpful things a doctor or midwife could have said to me in hospital is ‘just so you know, you’ve had a horrid time, and that could mean it takes longer for you to bond with your baby and that’s very normal.’ But instead they just said minimising things like ‘oh well at least you’ve got a lovely little boy out of it!’ and ‘he’s healthy and that’s what matters!’ and ‘enjoy your baby!’

Overall there has been little acknowledgement from the HCPs that this was awful and it could affect me deeply. They’ve acted like I should be over it by now and the fact that I’m not means I clearly have PND. But honestly, if a man was in a car accident, would we plonk a baby on his chest in the wreckage and expect him to fall madly in love with it? Then tell him he’s depressed if he’s not feeling back to normal within 8 weeks?! It’s bizarre!!!

I didn't feel that rush of love either. I think I was in shock for a long time. I couldn't stop thinking about the birth and would talk to anyone and everyone who would listen.

I totally agree with you, I found it upsetting when people would say "but isn't she worth it?". I don't frame it that way. Of course I love DD but what happened to me (and you and all the other women) does matter too.

It's good that you are thinking about your own mental health. Just to warn you, I feel like I pushed it to the back of my mind for a while but found the lead up to DD first birthday really hard. I didn't know how I was going to celebrate the anniversary of her birth. Once I got passed that and started the counselling I felt much better.

Oh there is also Birth Trauma Association facebook group you might find useful.

With DD I was officially in labour for 12hrs, but I think it was much longer. I had preeclampsia and was about to be induced when the MW said I was actually ready by myself. It was agony so I had an epidural, but in the end DD was getting distressed so I had an episiotomy and ventouse delivery. The doctor told me I couldn't use my epidural button for the incision, and she did it before I was fully numb. The same thing happened for the stitches and I felt the whole thing. Horrific. But the placenta came out no problem.

Four years later I had DS. He was born after 20mins pushing on hands and knees, no time for anything other than G&A. Small tear along the old scar but otherwise fine. Then I had a lot of issues with the placenta, but in the end it did come out on its own.

Neither experience was great tbh, but the second was better overall. Probably because it was so quick!

Good luck OP, and congrats!

Hi there, I've a 15 month old and I'm pregnant again (just 6 wks). I'm already terrified of the birth after the last time, however the level of fear has decreased substantially since giving birth. 8 weeks is very very early days. I couldn't even entertain the idea until she turned 1

Absolutely dreadful first birth, days of labour, shoulder dystocia (baby's shoulder stuck) forceps, massive infected episiotomy, the works!

I however desperately wanted a second child and was lucky enough to be very easily granted an ELCS for my second baby, it was incredible, I loved it, such a calm and relaxed experience!

I didn't have a debrief, but I did find that my notes from my first delivery were just on the side in my room when I went for my ELCS, I read them thoroughly and it really helped me to reconcile that I actually did cope really well with the trauma, it was an unusual situation and the feeling that I had that I was 'making a fuss' was actually completely justified. Just to add that nobody had made me feel that way, I was just disappointed in myself.

You'll feel better in time OP, I decided to TTC DC2 just after DC1's first birthday, so the memory does fade fairly quickly, Congratulations on your new arrival.

I had a similar experience to Iampicklerick above: I had a very traumatic first birth ending in an emergency cs. Had flashbacks for years afterwards and the whole experience was appalling.

Had second dc less than 2 years later, with an elcs. It was fantastic! No pain at all (really, the needle going into the back of my hand was the only uncomfortable bit) and just very calm and happy. Honestly, I've had more pain/discomfort at a dental check up. I felt euphoric afterwards and it really helped me to heal mentally after my terrible first birth.

Don't not have a second child. If you've always wanted 2 children, you will always regret not trying.

Can you see a doctor now and discuss your chances of getting an elcs? If you knew you could have one, would it make a difference?