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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

How to get an overbearing parent to listen during labour?

54 replies

Abs24601 · 27/08/2019 22:57

I’m currently 28 weeks pregnant and making my birthing plan. I decided I don’t want any photos taken and here lies my issue. I want my mum as my birthing partner, however, she wants to take pictures of baby’s head as it’s crowning and photos of nitty gritty stuff.

I’ve tried chatting to her saying it isn’t what I want for my labour, but she’s pretty quick to shut me down saying about “how in her labour she wish she had pictures of the same” if they were just for me and my eyes only then maybe I would consider it but she wants them for herself to look back on. (Strange imo). I don’t know how to say to her no it’s not going to happen and to tell her if she’s completely set with taking pictures that I don’t want her there at all.

The struggle is I live with my parents and I don’t want to make it awkward at home either as I have no where else to go and ideally I would like mum to be there because I have no one else willing to be a birthing partner my SO is squeamish so doesn’t want to be there

Can I have some advice please because I really don’t know what to do? Do I just let her get on with it and just feel uncomfortable in my most vulnerable moments or somehow do it with no support?

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 28/08/2019 16:42

I think your mother is being incredibly weird wanting to take these pictures in the first place. Say no, keep saying no and if it comes to it tell her you'd rather cope on your own rather than have her there. If she's only there as a voyeur then you're better off without her as I'd worry where those photos would end up. Bloody weird. Don't back down because you live with her, honestly this is so odd it's off the scale

gamerchick · 28/08/2019 16:46

Tell her if she doesn't pack it in then you'll reconsider having her there and at the least will tell the midwives not to allow her to take photos.

Fucking weirdo, who wants to take photos of their daughters fanny?! Hmm her boundaries are so shit you know she'll be showing people.

As for your bloke then he can stay next to the head or pop out at the nitty gritty part. He absolutely should be there to support you in Labour.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/08/2019 16:51

Fucking weirdo, who wants to take photos of their daughters fanny?!

This

Pipanchew2 · 28/08/2019 17:30

That’s so odd.
Agree with PP about standing up to her but if you really feel you can’t could you write a note in advance that explains situation to midwife and ask them to tell mother it’s a new policy that intimate photos not allowed then slip the note to attending midwife? A bit underhand but might work?!

Pinkblueberry · 28/08/2019 17:33

Wierd and creepy af. I have no other words.

BobTheFishermansWife · 28/08/2019 17:36

I agree it's strange, tell the midwives and they will act on your behalf. But I don't understand why your SO won't be there, My oh is squimish too, but he stayed at the head end and held my hand (albeit there wasn't much chance for him to do anything else considering birth was that fast)

If your mum won't listen can you get your dad on side? Tell him how uncomfortable the idea makes you and ask him to try and talk sense into her?

pooopypants · 28/08/2019 17:38

"My way or no way. I don't want pictures of my vagina. End of conversation"

And tell your midwife. Get it in your birth plan. She's out of order.... and weird. Who want a pictures of their child's vagina FFS??

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 28/08/2019 17:39

I wouldn't let your mum be there if I was you, it doesn't sound at all like she'd advocate for you or support you in the way you want her to.

I'd rather give birth without a birth partner than have my mum there (and that's even without the photos thing).

Pinkflipflop85 · 28/08/2019 17:54

Part of getting through labour is being relaxed and happy as possible. It doesn't sound like having her there is going to help provide that environment for you. She needs to respect your wishes or not be there.

toastedbeagle · 28/08/2019 17:57

This makes me so angry! It’s utterly inappropriate . How old are you?

kylieeee · 28/08/2019 23:53

If you just tell your midwife beforehand, they'll gently tell your mum no photos are to be taken during labour. To be honest, if she's really interested in the crowning moment then she should witness it with her own eyes, too many people seeing life happen through a screen these days.

On a separate note, squeamish or not your partner has no excuse not to support you through this, it's incredibly selfish. I'm squeamish myself but if I have to push a watermelon out of a pea sized hole I think our partners have the better end of the deal. There's no way I'd let my OH sit this one out! You need him more than ever, time to step up and support his family.

saraclara · 29/08/2019 04:59

Even without the photo issue, a an overbearing patent is absolutely not the right choice for a birthing partner.

Aebj · 29/08/2019 05:06

She needs to be told no. I had ds 1 with just midwifes . Best experience ever. They were great support. You can do this without your mother

saraclara · 29/08/2019 05:13

Patent= parent

Toneitdown · 29/08/2019 05:17

Tell the dad he needs to grow up and be there when the baby is born. This is a really had sign if he's saying he's too "squeamish".

Tell your mum that you don't want any pictures of your vagina at the birth and that this is what the midwives will be told too. If she disagrees then so be it. Her opinion won't matter anyway because it isn't her decision. Let her disagree all she likes.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 29/08/2019 05:25

He's squeamish? I'm squeamish. I still have to push a baby out of my vagina, I have no choice in that.

He needs to grow up. I'm assuming he wasn't squeamish when he was getting you pregnant?

And your mum needs to stop trampling on your boundaries.

If neither of these people can do the right thing, considering employing a doula, who will give you a nice, peaceful experience that is to your own plan.

Original poster
Abs24601 · 29/08/2019 08:42

Toastedbeagle I'm only 18 so I find it really hard in regard to standing up to her but there's been some really good advice given so I thank everyone c

OP posts:
saraclara · 29/08/2019 09:29

Good luck. I think that being 18 is a very good reason for you to do this with just the midwives input. They will treat you with respect and care, and let you make your own decisions. Your mum will want to take over and decide things for you.

You are about to become a mother yourself. Standing up to your own mum is the step to adulthood that you need to make, and that will signal that you're going to make your own decisions about your baby in the future, too.
If she gets her own way on this, she's likely to want to dominate the way you mother your baby, and that will end in stress and tears.

OrangeSwoosh · 29/08/2019 09:40

Never mind the fact that the actual taking of photos is weird, what's she planning on doing with them afterwards? Not exactly one for the family album is it Hmm

As others have said, the midwives will be fantastic and you will be fine with just them if that's what you want to do. My husband was there when I gave birth but he had minimal input. The midwife was actually useful Wink

toastedbeagle · 29/08/2019 09:52

I think it’s tricky but honestly you have to now stand up for yourself and adopt an adult role. Practice saying “no Mum, I do not want photos taken” in front of a mirror. It’s very hard transitioning from being a “child” to a “mum”, I know my mum struggles to see me as an independent adult / mother (and I’m 37!) , some people find it hard to stop being “the parent”. You have to find your inner lioness!

7yo7yo · 29/08/2019 09:58

You need to start standing up to her or she will take over the birth and your child.
Tell her your partner now wants to be part of the birth so it will just be the two of you especially as you don’t want pictures of your bits taken.

saraclara · 29/08/2019 12:16

"Mum, do you know how weird it sounds when you tell me you want pictures of my vagina 'to look back on'? This is my body, and I'm no longer comfortable with you seeing me in labour at all. I'm sorry, but I've decided to go it alone or with just my partner"

toffeepinklady · 29/08/2019 12:25

Don't have her as your birth partner at all. If this is what she is like now, insisting about something so intimate and unnecessary, what will she be like when you are in pain and possibly feeling the most vulnerable you have felt in your life??!! The father of your baby or a doula would be my suggestion. Your mother doesn't get to dictate.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 29/08/2019 12:33

Echoing other pp’s about going it alone if she’s just going to be dressing you out.

My DH is fabulous, but to be honest he was as much use as a chocolate fire guard at both births. I was so whacked out with tiredness and pain, that his very reasonable attempts at supporting me were just pissing me off. I had a brilliant midwife with dc2, and it was her I was hanging on to and asking for reassurance.

You need to stand up for yourself here. You might be 18, but you’re going to be someone’s mum and that means standing up for yourself and your own family, even when it’s going to annoy someone you love.

pooopypants · 29/08/2019 15:00

Definitely speak to your midwife then, they'll be your advocate. Make sure it's in your birth plan that you DO NOT want photos being taken and they'll make sure she's put back in her box