does anyone choose to give birth without their partner present, anymore?

[nightshade]

prior to the birth of dd, my partner made it clear that he had great reservations in being present for her birth.

we agreed that we would play it by ear and both acknowledged that being private people, i may also feel uncomfortable with his presence during such a vulnerable time.

he came into the delivery suite prior to things getting messy, went out for a smoke and returned approx. half hour later.

at this point it became evident that his presence was having an adverse effect on my freedom to birth and i asked him to leave.

both of us felt that my solitary experience was totally right.

we have subsequently wondered how much social pressure is put on partners to attend births and whether this has had detrimental effects for either of the couple?

I once took dh with me when I gave blood and the look of his pale face made me think that maybe I would not have him there when giving birth, so when it came to it I had both him and my sister and told him that if he wanted to leave at any time just to go. Luckily for me he was fine and he stayed as I would not have been happy if he had gone as he was excellent support for me.

There was no question that my DH wouldn't be with me. We saw it as something we had created together and would see through together. Having said that, he found it very difficult to see me in pain and being squeamish when it came to the actual giving birth part he didn't want to see anything. This was great for me as he stayed really close, cuddling me and talking in my ear as our son was born. It was one of the closest, most intimate moments I've ever experienced with him.

Having said that I can understand why some women might want to birth alone and think everyone should be free to make their own choice. It is after all such a brief moment in a while lifetime of parenting

When DS was born I had a close female friend at the birth, DP didn't have strong views about being present, so I took the lead and banished him. I just knew he wouldn't be the best person to support me through it, in fact I had the strangest urge to have the baby on my own and in complete privacy. In the end I had a very quick labour and DP only had to pace the corridors for a short while before coming up to see us. It all worked out well, and if we have a second, then we will do the same thing over again. I think the most important thing is to have someone there whom you trust and are completely at ease with, for many, that will be their partner, but for others maybe a friend, mum or sister will fulfill that role.

To each (couple) their own ... .

On the one hand, can definitely see the need for a supporter and 'spokesperson' for a labouring woman who is in pain and feeling vulnerable ...

... on the other hand, being squeamish myself, could not have gone in to operating theatre or labour suite if roles had been reversed so could hardly insist that dp did the same.

Happily for both of us, he wanted to be there!

My DP was useless. He was hungover (didn't think I would have DS that day), fell asleep in a chair and complained when the patientline TV broke down because F1 qualifying was on. (I tell no lie he got an engineer round to fix it while i was in labour)

LUCKILY (there is a God), my Mum was coming to the hosp to pick up some keys when it all kicked off and the midwife let her stay (or I wouldn't physically let her go, one or the other). I don't think I would have coped without her at all as had to have emergency CS, so scary.

I didn't realise before that I wouldn't feel safe unless my Mum was there and would definately insist on her being there if I ever had another.

my DP didnt want to be there, but is now so glad that he was - i have to say i was a bitch and insisted that he was present, because i know that he would have regretted not being there. I would never have coped without him either. But that is just me and my personal experiences - i do think there is rather alot of pressure on the dads to be there when some of them would clearly not enjoy it and be more of a hinderence than a help.

My DP will def will be there. It's my first child but his fourth and he was there for all the births. He used to be a nurse so has no problems with blood, poo etc. Not that I like the idea of pooing in front of him but I know it wont have an adverse effect on us afterward. I feel like I'll be safer with him there
Whilst I think it would be awful if you wanted/needed your DP/DH there and he didnt want to be, some men just aren't comfortable with it and dont want to be a part of it and if you'd be happier with a doula or Mum there, then why not?

my DH was at offshore when i give birth of my DD.its quite stress cause he only came home a month later.

2 of my friends chose to give borth without their partners present.
For 1, she chose this both times.
te other had her husband there for the first but didn't ant him there for her next 2.

My husband wasn't there for the birth of either of my DS's because he is very squemish.

With DS1 he was around for some of the first stage, before things got messy, but with DS2 he didn't enter the delivery room at all.

I wouldn't have wanted him to be there retching away though, that would have been the last thing I needed!

My husband was there, and I don't think it occurred to either of us that he wouldn't be. It didn't cross my mind that it would be 'undignified' for him to see me giving birth - sex isn't that dignified, if you think about it, and he didn't have any problems with that part .
I'm glad he was there, as he could talk to the MW when I tired and concentrating on my contractions, and he was really good at encouraging me. I had an emergency c section in the end, and he got to cut the cord, and hold DS first before putting him on my chest, so I can't imagine going through that without him. Afterwards, he did say that he found the c section the worst part, as it was in his mind that it can be a risky operation - I was just relieved at getting the epidural! I would definitely want him there next time, for me it wouldn't be the same to have a friend or even my mum (who was DYING for me to ask her).

I didn't want dh there. I believe that his role is to pace up and down in a waiting room worrying his head off and imaging as much as his hypochondriac mind can cope with.

Alas, this was not to be. I looked up in the theatre, holding my hand and getting words of comfort from me and al the theatre staff.

I've just had my fourth and dh wasn't able to be there for the birth, although he was there for the previous three. We knew this was likely to be a possibility as we had childcare and transport problems and I was OK with it, though I did find I missed his banter and sense of humour to keep me going through the dark moments . I was also a little worried that once I had had the baby I would really want him to be there straightaway to "share" the first few hours - but in fact both I and ds slept for ages and I was really glad of the peace and quiet!

Totally different reasons to you, Nightshade, as to why I gave birth on my own, but nevertheless it was not a negative experience.

My husband wasn't there for the birth of our son. I had an elective section under GA, so he wasn't allowed in in any case but he was reluctant to be there anyway and I was happy to go through it on my own. I doubt he'll be around for the birth of any more and that's fine by me.

I agree that there is a certain amount of social pressure on partners/husbands but it should be up to the individual couple to decide what is best for them.

Nightshade, I knew that DH wasn't keen on being there. I think it is an issue of seeing me in pain. We did agree that he would be there but when I was in labour, and finding it difficult to cope with the pain (ie when the howling started!) I asked him to go out. A very kind MW brought him back in about 20 mins later and me and the MW both shouted at them to get out!

He stayed in the next room and came in just as they were lifting DS up in the air so I don't think he missed anything.

This time I want him a bit more involved, he doesn't have to be in the room, I just want him to be informed about whats going on and to stand up for me if needed.

I think there is a lot of pressure on men to attend and not all want to. If a woman wants a birth partner and their DH isn't keen then I can't see any reason why she shouldn't chose someone else and DH to come in when its all over.