I don't want to give birth in the MLU feel like a failure

[laurG]

I am 35 weeks pregnant with Baby 1. I am not scared of birth but for me I have no real desire to do it all naturally. I can't control what is going to happen obviously, but if things go at a normal pace I want to labour at home for as long as it takes and then have an epidural. I totally understand that epidurals increase the need for medical interventions, tearing and that I will need to be in a more clinical environment. But I find the idea of being in the hospital bit very reassuring. I am anxious about becoming a parent and the thought of being in a lot of pain really mind blowing. I just don't want to feel it longer than I have to. I also don't want my partner seeing me in pain.

The thing is I feel like a total failure. Ive been trying to do hypnobirthing techniques to get me through whatever fate chucks at me. But mainly to get through early labour before I can get to the hospital. However, the book I am reading (although it pretends to be neutral) very much focuses on natural birth as the first choice and interventions as an unfortunate but necessary back up. I stated antenatal classes the other day and the labour ward was very much marketed as a hell hole, where women loose their dignity and only really necessary in an emergency - with some acknowledgement that pain relief is ok if you have been labouring for a long time. .
I came home crying and feeling judged.

My midwife says that I have to start birth in the MLU regardless but can get a transfer and epidural but I don't believe her. I don't want to be in the MLU at all. It is really upsetting me. What can I do?

You can start in the labour ward. Take your partner with you. Take a pad of paper with your questions written on it and go through that - it helps to keep you focused.

Have set answers for certain things. So for ‘all labours must start in MLU’ you say ‘I do not want to start in MLU, I want to start in labour ward and have an epidural at the earliest stage I can.’

If they persist, ask for the statement in writing ‘it was my belief that I could start my labour in the labour ward. If you are saying I have to start in MLU I would to get that in writing from you before I leave today, thank you.’
Remember: it is your body and your labour. Stick to your guns, be polite, and any statement you think is false, make them put it in writing. Request to see what’s been added to your notes before you leave every time and challenge anything incorrect.

I am pregnant with my first and this kind of stuff really winds me up. You wouldn't have a tooth extracted without pain relief would you.

If men had to give birth I'm pretty sure all births would be under general anaesthetic.

It took me a while (and a lot of research on Mumsnet) to realise just how much choice I have by right.

It's your body, your baby, your choice and your risk. You are not asking you are telling. You have a choice to labour in hospital and further more you have a choice of which hospital.

Tell them you are labouring on the ward, end of discussion.

If the midwife insists you need to use the MLU put in a complaint to maternity PALS that day given by her name. If you cannot get through to them on the phone put the complaint in by email.

If you go into labour before they get back to you, present to the labour ward as a pp said.

Btw I would be surprised if your birth partner would want you to give birth where you are unhappy so make them aware of the sutuation. Also make sure they know exactly what you do and definitely do not want to be used on you during the birth.

Well I loved the labour ward! As above I was told there are no prizes for not having pain relief! Mine turned into an emergency situation so I would have ended up there anyway!
Please don't feel like a failure, it doesn't change your baby

Make clear that you do not and will not consent to entering the MLU.

BloodyNCT

Made me feel a failure. Wish I’d never gone to their stupid course. They have an agenda: natural birth. They pretend not to tho.

Hypnobirthing? Lol!

your birth, your choice. Absolutely insist on it.

I did hypnobirthing, what a load of mumbo jumbo. 'surges' not 'pain'. Bollocks.

@fascinated That seems to be true for the majority, but my NCT teacher covered c sections because she felt she would let people down if she didn't (none of us were planned sections and we all managed to avoid them). She told us how many people would be there, what they do and said baby and mum coming out of hospital safely was a success no matter how baby got there.

You might find Juju Sundin"s Birth Skills helpful - there's lots of ideas for different ways to manage pain and stay as calm as possible (which I found handy while being prepped for EMCS!) but there's also a chapter with positive stories of births with lots of pain relief/intervention which I really credit with helping me feel relaxed in the last trimester and positive afterwards even though the birth didn't go to plan.

You cannot plan labour. It doesn’t work like that. Do what you are most comfortable with. Your health and well-being are the most important factors here. Everything else is beyond your control. Please make your own choice. No one else is going to do this.

I had an epidural and a c-section. DS and I are both alive and healthy. That's not a failure imo.

Also the pain isn't the same for everyone. It depends greatly on factors such as size and position of both you and baby. Some women have a baby that slides out quickly and easily. Some tear and some don't. Some (like me) have a long exhausting labour and a large and badly positioned baby with such severe pain that even morphine can't take the edge off. I've seen videos of women moving about in labour - I couldn't even stand up, I was utterly paralysed by the severity of the pain. And I'm not a wuss; the doctor confirmed that I genuinely did have more pain than was normal. You can't anticipate in advance what will happen or what sort of pain relief you might need. It's stupid to make a blanket statement that an epidural is unnecessary. If you want/need one then get one.

Throw the book away!

Your birth plan sounds perfectly sensible to me. Childbirth is often long, usually painful and always taxing. There are various tools you can use to make it as comfortable and safe as possible, and while "natural" tools are some options, medication and pain relief are others. It's not helpful IMO to put these on a hierarchy. Different tools and techniques are going to have different benefits and drawbacks at different times, for different people, situations etc.

I don't know about choosing MLU or not but lots of people choose an epidural, there's nothing inferior about it and it's a perfectly valid choice if you feel it's the right one for you.

This sort of stuff makes me so cross

Keep telling them what you want. Highlight it on top of your notes. When the time comes, go straight to labour ward. Do not go near MLU, do not embark upon the labour you do not want.

You sound very realistic about the lack of control and pain relief which many women aren't/are encouraged to ignore/are kept in ignorance about thanks to the pressure for "natural" thanks antenatal class

You are in no way a failure for not wanting to be in a situation where you need pain relief and it isn't available. I'd say you're very sensible!

Starting off in the mlu is not the same as being forced to give birth in the mlu. OP, the assessment you will get when you first go into hospital will be exactly the same whether you are in the mlu or labour ward. If you are in active labour then you can say I'd like an epidural please and you will be transferred to the labour ward. Happens all the time.

Except the times when it doesn't and women are talked into staying in the MLU and told it's too late for an epidural. Which to be fair it legitimately can be if they're not transferred to the CLU when they want to be.

When you are in labour call labour ward and tell them you are coming in, unless they are full they won’t refuse you.

If you don’t want to go to the MLU then don’t

I would speak to someone different and find our exactly what your choices and rights are. Obviously none of us know which hospital you're talking about so chat give specific advice. Certainly where I gave birth you could choose between midwife led or obstetrician led care. If you knew you wanted an epidural you'd never go to the midwife led unit.

Inform yourself and stand up for your rights.

*can't not chat!

Princess I used to work in an MLU a lot of the time. This rarely happens, especially with a first baby. And if it is too late in the MLU, it is too late on labour ward too. The vast majority of women (esp first timers) who want an epidural get one, regardless of where they have their first assessment.

And of course it depends on what the setup of the unit is too (Logistics etc). I'd encourage the OP to ask about the specific setup and the procedure for transferring, but I'd also reassure her that there will likely be no problem at all in getting an epidural. The majority of women having their first baby have one.

God no, I love an epidural! Both of my deliveries were long and complicated and an epidural was suggested. With the first I felt like a failure but with the second, the sweet relief of the epidural was amazing.

There is no right way to give birth, do what feels right for you.

Make it clear to everyone that you want an epidural as it can take a while to organise.

So rarely happens, meaning does happen bue. Glad you agree on that point. Given that it does happen, and that OP has zero interest in giving birth in the MLU, there is no reason for her to begin there.

And of course if it's too late on the MLU it's too late on the labour ward too- that's the exact point I am making! That if a woman is in the MLU initially it's possible that there will be delay, deliberate or otherwise, in transferring her to a place she can get an epidural. The reality is that this is a possibility and it is one that can be avoided.

Definitely make it clear that you won't go near the MLU, id ask to see a doctor rather than MW for your appointments, they are much better IMO (I didn't see a midwife after 24 weeks and found doctors more proactive).

I didn't want any pain relief but still wanted to be on the Labour ward so heartbeat could be monitored and doctor would be checking in on me. I don't get why the midwife told you it would be a hellhole, it's not like you're giving birth on a bed next to Mrs Jones, it's a private room. On my day in the Labour ward they brought me and DH sandwiches and tea and dimmed the lights so pretty similar to the MLU just with doctors and pain relief! There should also be balls and a pool if so required.

I'm pretty sure you don't HAVE to start on the MLU - I would check that out. My midwife tried every trick in the book to try and get me to choose my local MLU but I stuck to my guns despite being a low risk pregnancy.
I knew I would feel more relaxed at the hospital with surgeons/theatre/anaesthetist on call just incase.
Out of my birthing group of 8 couples, x2 had lovely water births at the MLU however several of them started there and got to 7/8/9cms and needed to be transferred in ambulance to the hospital due to various reasons. One of them described the ambulance ride as horrific, her husband wasn't allowed in the ambulance with her and had to follow in his car behind and got stuck in rush hour traffic and turned up an hour later at the hospital!!
If you really don't want to be at the MLU then stick to your guns and push for the labour ward! Good luck

Gosh, I was thinking OP meant a hospital MLU. It now occurs that she could mean a freestanding one, possibly needing a journey rather than a different corridor to get to the place she wants to give birth? That's even worse!