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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

3 years on I still can't bring myself to talk about the birth - is this normal???

43 replies

footprints · 06/02/2007 09:51

Almost 3 years ago my dd was born in Faro hospital in Portugal. It was a really horrible experience and my overwelming memoriy of it is being terrified. I spoke v little Portuguese and my dh could only be there during visiting hours. He was there at the birth but then made to leave straight after. I was induced, it was awful. Badly torn, no pain relief (none available in that hospital) nothing given to eat or drink after the birth (I had to walk to the drinks machine at 4am a few hours after the birth to get a hot chocolate).

I am shaking writing about it and this isn't the half of it - there was much worse.

I don't think it is unrelated that I have not had sex since the birth

Is this what is called birth trauma? I should be able to laugh about it by now, right??

Any advice?

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Lullabyloo · 07/02/2007 10:06

footprints..are you ok honey?

LittleMamaT · 07/02/2007 11:48

You poor thing, footprints - and others on here who have also posted. Birth trauma is serious and can be longlasting - it should not be dismissed and please don't feel that you should be able to laugh about it.

As well as the other useful links already posted I would recommend checking out the following website - www.sheilakitzinger.com. She runs the Birth Crisis helpline and has written a fantastic book called Birth Crisis. I went to one of her workshops last year, as I am a doula and she is very knowledgable in this area and has counselled many women suffering from post traumatic stress disorder following birth.

Anyway, please do get yourself some help with this - you're not alone and there is help out there.

MummyPossum · 08/02/2007 22:06

Message withdrawn

MummyPossum · 08/02/2007 22:13

Message withdrawn

vizbizz · 10/02/2007 04:59

Totally agree with Lulumama and Aloha!
You aren't alone in feeling like this. Get more info if you need it, and I definitely recommend counselling.

My ds is almost 1, and I am still getting support and counselling. I still cry when I talk about it. I have moved forward some, but know I still have a long way to go. Before DS I wanted 2 or 3 kids. At the mo I think he may end up being an only child and I don't want him to be!

hugs There are quite a few of us out there who know how you feel. I have found the birth trauma website great, and have chatted with others who have had nearly identical experiences. It's helped me a lot to talk to people who know exactly how you feel.

bobalinga · 12/02/2007 18:34

I am o glad I found this thread as I was beginning to feel like a freak. DD was born 3 years ago, my 4th child. She was a VBAC at home after 3 previous c-sections.
The birth itself wasn't so bad but afterward still gives me flashbacks. She was born not breathing and rushed off to hospital. the mw's left me lying on the floor with blood pouring out of me, no words, nothing. DH had gone with the baby in the ambulance. Eventually an ambulance came for me and I was taken to hospital. Once there they said I would need to be sticthed as I had torn very badly. No-one would tell me if my baby was even alive. The stitching was horrific, a million times worse than giving birth with the doctor telling me to shut up, it couldn't hurt that bad! Then they left me lying on a delivery bed all alone for hours and hours with no news of my baby, jusy midwives whispering outside and other women yelling in other rooms. No food was offered and I was shaking through blood loss (turned out to be nearly 4 pints)
Eventaully, 6 hours later a doc came and told me the baby was alive but severely brain damaged and she wasn't expected to live. Then he buggered off and I was left alone again. With much yelling they agreed to wheel me down to see her in NICU as I still couldn't sit. The mw's tutted like it was a problem then they stuck me back on the delivery bed and I was left there with no food or phone calls for most of the next day until a room was found.
3 years on it still hurts 'down there' and I wont let DH near me. I have dreams about the birth and feel anxious and depressed. The doctor said 'oh thats normal, have some Prozac' but the feeling I get is 'well, if you did have a homebirth of course its all going to go wrong.'
After I got out of hospital - 9 days and 2 blood transfusions later (they'd not checked for membranes and left all this crap inside me so it got infected) not one midwife visited. I was left totally alone and its been that way ever since.
Thanks for listening but just hearng that I'm not alone its such a relief!

Lullabyloo · 12/02/2007 20:57

Oh my poor love....that's absolutely horrific...I'm in tears
{{{{{{{{[big,big hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>>honey
Have you tried the birth trauma website or had any councelling at all?

lulumama · 12/02/2007 20:59

bobalinga [anger]

how utterly utterly horrific and wrong on so many levels

as lully said, have you had any counselling, any help?

sounds as though the hospital did not do all they should have either

jsut awful

bobalinga · 13/02/2007 08:23

I did call Sheila Kitzinger once, about a year after but I still couldn't talk about it. Even now its hard. I've written a book about Life with C, raising a disabled child but I can't finish it cos the first chapter needs to be about the birth and there's just too many feelings.
Even thinking about it now is making me tearful.
Onw of the problems is DH and 'you know what'. I can't even bear the thought in case it hurts plus the stitching hurt so much that I don't want anyone even looking. I've asked the GP for counselling and was told that due to cuts they can only do 6 sessions.
I had to leave all my email lists as everyone else was having wonderful homebirths and healthy babies and it was just me who couldn't and I can't bear it if people talk about birth. Its too painful. Plus I'm an embressment, an example of 'what could go wrong' that every woman fears while pregnant. Pregnant women are horrfied if I try to go into Mothercare pushing my 'statistic' so I stay in the house alone day after day.
I need someone to show me how to get out of this awful place now

Lullabyloo · 13/02/2007 09:13

Oh my poor love
honey...just know that you are not on your own anymore.

There is help out there & an incredible network of support on here...
You are not an embarrasment honey,nobody has the right to make you feel like that.
Wherabouts in the country are you?
Please email me lullyboo at hotmail.co.uk

lulumama · 13/02/2007 09:16

sweetheart.

you want to get out of this dark place, that is the first and bravest step.

talking and writing about it is so important, and so vital to the healing process, and yet often too painful.

can you write a little bit here? or write it in an email to yourself ?

can you try calling sheila kitzinger again, or email birth crisis?

i think that it is really really good that you are looking for a way to start to heal

can you go back to the docs, take the 6 sessions of counselling..at least it is a start?

any way of paying for counselling, or can family help you do that?

have to go out now, but i hope that someone else will be along soon to give some more advice

just to say again , you are not alone, in having a horrific experience, and it is something that needs to be healed, somehow

hang on in there xxxxxxxxx

LittleMamaT · 13/02/2007 11:26

bobalinga - what a horrific experience you had - no wonder you are still finding it hard to heal. I know it's really hard but do try to talk to Sheila Kitzinger again about it if you can. She's fantastic and will just listen patiently if all you can do is cry. As lulumama says - talking is vital to the healing process but I understand how difficult it is for you.

I want to come and give you a big hug - your story has really moved me. Does your DH know just how bad this is for you? Do you have any friends who you feel 'safe' enough to talk this through with. Please do not feel you are alone - birth trauma is all too common and it can be very hard to admit how you feel so many women stay quiet. You've taken the first step in wanting to heal yourself.

Huge hugs xxx

ellietv · 13/02/2007 12:26

The NHS does have the ability to provide counselling - many local hospitals now have specially trained counsellors who are there purely to help mothers of difficult births. I know as I was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth of my daughter in 2005. I had counselling straight after the birth to understand and process what had gone wrong and then I went back again about a year later when my husband and I wanted to have another baby and I mentally freaked out. The flashbacks and nightmares were awful just at the thought of possibly getting pregnant again.
I'm now 23 weeks pregnant with my second child and am going to see my midwife tomorrow and ask to be referred again as I am yet again suffering flashbacks, nightmares and general sadness over it all.
What I am trying to say is that help is out there, you just need to insist on it - and I know that is often easier said than done but getting help is necessary for our own sanity.
I will be making a nuisance of myself until I feel able to cope again - I am not prepared to have my time with my children spoilt by this problem.

Sorry - dismount from soapbox...

bobalinga · 13/02/2007 14:40

Hi Ellietv. Did the counselling help? I want to save my marriage too. I can't imagine DH going wihtout you know what for ever!

MummyPossum · 13/02/2007 16:04

Message withdrawn

ellietv · 13/02/2007 16:10

Hi bobalinga,

The counselling did help a lot. After the initial sessions I gradually stopped having the flashbacks although stressful situations and talking about the birth would relaly distress me (much more than normal).
Then when we talked about having another baby, I came off the pill and mysteriously went totally off sex for months. Then the flashbacks kicked in again and we finally clicked that it was the thought of pregnancy that was upsetting me and I went back to my GP and asked for a referral back to the counsellor. I had about another 7 sessions with her and it really helped me to clarify what was going on in my mind. I also found the counselling helped me to be able to talk to my husband about my feelings. I had got into the habit of not talking about any of it as it got me so upset. But that meant that my husband wasn't involved with my emotions at all - so how could he possibly understand and help comfort me?
On that note my counsellor offered that he could come with me to a few sessions if that would help us to communicate. He didn't come to any but it wasn't necessary by the time she offered. If I had thought about it sooner it probably would have helped a lot!

Good luck

ellietv · 13/02/2007 16:14

oh - should have said - the counselling was based at the hospital. I'm not sure if it makes a massive difference but both my local hospitals have specialist counsellors actually in the ante-natal care departments, and I'm sure I had more than 6 sessions.
when I asked to be re-referred I stipulated it was to the hospital women's counsellor. I think the initial referral was arranged by my health visitor and consultant...

jabberwocky · 13/02/2007 20:03

footprints and bobolinga, I have just found this thread. First of all, my heart goes out to you both for all that you have experienced. I was diagnosed w/ PTSD 3 years ago following the birth of my first child. It is a terrible thing to have what should be one of the most joyful experiences of your life turn into something so haunting.

The birth trauma association is a wonderful source of information as well as the TRAUMA AND BIRTH STRESS - PTSD AFTER CHILDBIRTH site.

Cognitive Behavour Therapy (CBT) is the way to go for counselling. Talking and writing about the experience is essential, ime, as well.

If either of you want to talk off-board I will be happy to do so. If you do not have CAT let me know on this thread and I will CAT you.

It is possible to heal. My beautiful ds2 and I are living proof. It does take time and support to do so, tho. The fact that you are posting now shows that you are ready to begin.

Just remember that you were strong enough to survive the experience and you are strong enough to get thru it.

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