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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Homebirth v's Hospital - you decide

31 replies

VanillaMilkshake · 12/10/2006 11:46

Please help. I am 32 wks PG, due in December

My midwife has recommended a homebirth - which I am in favour of, about 70/30, while I try to find out more about them.

But my best friend is completely anti, and is working hard to turn my DH to her point of view. She says I am being selfish and putting myself and the baby at risk. And that when I am out of the room and she asks him about it he says he's not happy.

I have M/C'd 3 times, but after the first one had a lovely baby girl, born in 7 hours at hopital, no complications. But she says conceiving this one was so hard as I had the other 2 M/C's that my midwife is awful to suggest it in case of complications.

I am getting really cross with my firend about her attitude - I never tell her what to do with her DS's, but both were born before DD - so it was'nt like I had experience anyway.

Last night it got so bad I actually told her I refuse to discuss the subject with her anymore. She is a brilliant friend but we are so divided on this issue that I am worried for our friendship. She keeps telling me she has told some friends of hers and that and they all say it's a bad idea. They live in a different area and all tend to be stay at home mums with at least 2-4 children each.

She's even told them that my DD had stomach problems and did'nt feed for 4 days after her birth, resulting in her admitted to Special care. Conveniently forgetting it was actually my breast milk that did'nt come in which was the problem and DD was starved - not ill. (dont mean to be blase but I hope you see what I mean)

All my friends where I live say I should go for it, but we only have 1 or two children each, so this friend doesnt seem to think we have as much experience.

The most important thing to me is DH's support and I keep asking for his true feelings on the subject but he just says that we always have complications when we dont want them and is afraid something will go wrong or I'll need to go in to hospital.

My MW has offered to come round at 36 weeks to go through what would happen with me and DH, I have complete faith in her, and she inspires confidence in me.

But because my friend has some medical knowledge from years ago when she worked as a triage nurse (sp) I do turn to her for advice on some things, and she knows DH also listens to her and is using it to her advantage. But this time her advice is unwanted and uninvited, and it's always her who brings it up with DH, not the other way round.

It's actually got so bad it is making me dig my heels in to the point my decision will be based on defying her - not what I want.

Sorry this had gone on so long but what do you all think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lulumama · 12/10/2006 11:52

why is she so anti????? and what is it to do with her??

my 'friend' spent my entire pregnancy driving me mad to forget about having a VBAC and to have an elective c.s as she had done....so think it was a bit of sour grapes...

i shouldn;t be able to have a natural birth because she didn't..and she made some nasty comments too regarding my PND...so i had strong words with her and put a stop to it..she was calling twice a week and driving me loopy!!!

whether she has medical knowledge or not, she should not be forcing the issue...

if your MW is someone you trust - go with her opinion, she's not forcing your hand or bullying you is she?

i wish i had been allowed a home birth for my VBAC - i can't imagine anything nicer than having the baby at home, with your family with you, having a bath in your own bath and getting in your own bed!! 2 of my close friends had home births and it was so lovely....

did your friend have disappointing birth experiences?

lulumama · 12/10/2006 11:53

why not think about hiring a doula - someone who will support you through this new birth experience....

yes, there is always an issue with complications, but if you are at home, labouring well, feeling safe, secure and supported, where you want to be, then you should have a lovely birth.....(no guarantees whether in hospital or at home?

SoupDragon · 12/10/2006 11:53

"She says I am being selfish and putting myself and the baby at risk."

Tell her that it is, in fact, statistically safer for both mother and baby in a normal, low risk pregnancy to have a home birth.

SoupDragon · 12/10/2006 11:54

And WTF does a triage nurse know about birth?

QueenPeaHead · 12/10/2006 11:58

why don't you read all the home birth stories on this site, and then make a gut decision. to be honest it sounds like you'd be a perfect candidate for home birth, and how nice having a keen midwife. I've had 2 at hospital and 2 at home and for me there is no contest - home every time.

to be honest I think you need to say to your friend that you are unwilling to discuss this any more with her, it is your decision and you'll decide what you think. you need also to tell your dh to say "I'm sorry, I'm not discussing this with anyone but DW and her midwife" if she brings up the subject. just don't entertain the conversations. if that means you have to avoid her for the next few weeks then so be it. and she may be well meaning etc but frankly she is causing you stress when you least need it, and she is clouding your decision process when you least need that to happen.

You sound like youwould like to try home birth, and as soupy says, statistics show that planned home birth is safer than hospital birth. look at the association of radical midwives site for more info.

Best of luck!

motherinferior · 12/10/2006 12:01

Frankly, I don't even think it's up to your husband; it's up to you. My partner was frightfully anti the idea of a home birth for my second baby. I ignored him. And I'm usually a bit of a wuss when it comes to Joint Decisions.

3andnomore · 12/10/2006 12:29

Well, I would outright ask WHY your friend believes it is more dangerous to have a Baby at home compared to having it in Hospital...last time I checked, in a straightforward pg it's actually as safe if not safer to stay at home, as there will be less intervention, etc...!
Also, things like MRSA can be a big problem to a Newborn Baby, somehting, they will not get into contact with at home...!
Hvae a look at the Homebirth org website there should be plenty of info that might give you some amunition.
In the end, your friend is showing her own ignorance.
Tell her, that this is your decision and that it has nothing to do with her, that you appreciate that she means well,but that you need her support whatever your decision, which is what a good friend is for

puppydavies · 12/10/2006 12:39

how far is the hospital? transferring from home to hosp in labour isn't the end of the world, loads of people do it (i did).

but yeah it's none of her business and tbh i'd be telling her i'd prefer if she didn't talk about it with dh either - she's had her say and you both know where she stands, now she should butt out.

TuttiFrutti · 12/10/2006 14:10

Vanillamilkshake, I don't think your problem is whether to have a homebirth or not (you have already decided that), but how to deal with your friend. I think the only thing to do is tell her really firmly that you don't want to discuss the subject any more with her. It is your decision, not hers.

FWIW, I am generally anti-homebirths, certainly for first-timers, but given your history I think you are a prime candidate for one and if it's what you want you should go for it.

Lio · 12/10/2006 14:14

Hi vanilla, I think tuttifrutti is spot on: the problem is your relationship with your friend. You can either choose to tell your friend you have made your decision and don't want to discuss it further with her, or you can educate her. If your library has a copy of Your Birth Rights by Pat Thomas, borrow it, give it to your friend and talk to her again when she has read it. I also came up against lots of ignorance about the safety of home births when I made my choice, but I knew that I had done the homework and they hadn't. My home birth was so much better than being at hosp.

Would you feel comfortable inviting your friend to meet your m/w?

thebigbadmouse · 12/10/2006 19:03

I think that tackling your friends fears directly may help - as others have said, find the research and the evidence. If you can find out what her real concerns are and show her that they are unfounded, maybe it will help put her mind at rest without risking your friendship...? Often it's things like 'what if the baby gets in distress?' or 'what if you bleed?' - find out what the answers are so you are prepared. www.homebirth.org.uk has a 'what if...' page that is really helpful. Let us know how you get on!

squishy · 12/10/2006 19:04

Poor you, some people think they have the right to force their views on you, don't they?! They are only her opinions, not well backed or grounded in research and I think the way she's trying to influence your DH is horrible (I have a childless friend who tells me that the idea of me trying to opt for a homebirth is like trying to squeeze a watermelon through something the size of an eye of a needle without pain relief!!)......

FWIW, I wouldn't want the MW leaving it another 4 weeks - if it's important to you, get her around sooner.....

WideWebWitch · 12/10/2006 19:06

Have only read your OP but some friend! Blimey, she really really should shut tf up, this is YOUR decision, NOT hers. I would find it very hard not to tell this 'friend' to fk off tbh.

And planned homebirth is statistically as safe as hospital birth btw. There are lots of homebirthers here, I had both mine at home.

Only you can decide but I really would not take this woman's bullying into consideratino and neither shoudl your dh.

WideWebWitch · 12/10/2006 19:15

aims
homebirth.org
some stuff about marjorie tew's book
the book, Safer Childbirth? which was written by a statistician who asked her students to prove hospiatl birth was safer and found they couldn't!
home birth by Nicky Wesson, I've read the older version but this is a new one

MKG · 12/10/2006 19:16

VanillaMilkshake.

I think you are lucky to have a friend who worries about your well being like that.

That being said, you are having a baby not her. If you have faith in yourself and faith in your midwife, have a home birth. Good luck.

Manoo · 12/10/2006 19:47

Hmm, giving the friend the benefit of the doubt, she is perhaps just set in her ways (and opinions) and genuinely believes she is trying to talk you out of danger. However, she is actually ignorant of the facts (that homebirth, especially with supportive midwives, is just as safe, if not safer than hospital birth). I'd print out some of the stuff from the homebirth website and give it to her. The more informed you are, the better you'll be able to either a) argue your case with her or b) ask her to refrain from discussing it with you or your man as you've researched it inside out and have made your informed decision.

DetentionGrrrl · 12/10/2006 20:38

I don't think you should let her influence your choice, maybe just try calmly telling her that you appreciate her concern, but you don't want to discuss it with her any further...either that or arm yourself with facts and figures that totally support the level of safety in a home birth. Unless you live in the Outer Hebrides, then there's no reason you can't be moved in case of emergency. I wanted a home birth, but the midwife that came out once i was in labour was rude, stupid and uncaring, so i went to the local birthing unit last minute instead.

kittythescarygoblin · 12/10/2006 20:56

Blimey VMS, what a 'friend' it's a pity she can't respect your views. I wouldn't make any decisions that have got anything remotely to do with her, ie. doing it to spite her or not.
You do what you feel comfortable with.
Have a look at all the site links, they are great and informative sites. I had a homebirth last time after having had 2 sections and 2 normal hospital births. Personally I can really recommend them.

Original poster

VanillaMilkshake · 12/10/2006 21:46

Thanks everyone - I am definatley telling friend this subjsect is now no longer a topic for conversation between us.

However I really want DH to be supportive of my decision so am going to go through some of the links you have given and see if this makes him feel any better.

Thanks so much for all your support. FWIW this friend is a brilliant friend in all other areas, supporting me through loss of my mum and everything.

One of her reasons for being antiHB is that we are both Rhesus Neg blood groups and she says we are prone to haemorage (sp). So I will ask MW about it.

OP posts:

LizzieMint · 12/10/2006 21:55

Hi VanillaMilkshake. I planned a home birth with my first (sadly ended up induced in hosp!) but had to avoid the subject with 2 particular friends who were very very negative about the idea. I would definitely get your DH to read the research to set his mind at rest - mine was very nervous about the idea too until he'd found out more about it and reassured himself that it was safe.

I'm also Rh Neg and I've never heard that that puts you at more risk of a haemorrhage - I think your friend might be just trying to put you off.

Judy1234 · 12/10/2006 22:00

Glad I don't have friends like that. I had one home birth which was lovely. Hospitals can be pretty dangerous places as my father who is a doctor has always said. You can pick up a lot of germs etc there. You can move to hospital if there's a problem. My second twin was born in hospital even that was no problem at all and they think it's very special one born at home and one in hospital. Both births were fine as I felt completely in control.

Surely your midwife knows better than your friend. May be the friend is jealous.

3andnomore · 13/10/2006 16:13

Hm....can't say I have come across literature that implies that because you are rhesus negative you are more prone to haemorhage....goggled it too in different ways and could not get anything on that!

belgo · 13/10/2006 16:22

This is why we told no-one we were planning a home birth. We didn't want to hear their non medical judgements and opinions. A home birth is your choice, your friend needs to respect that.

Shivvy23 · 13/10/2006 16:32

Hi, I am new to mumsnet. Just wanted to say that I am rhesus negative and a nurse and it is a lot of rubbish that you are more prone to haemorrhage if you are rh -ve. I am planning on a homebirth this time and being RH -ve was not an issue as long as the midwife takes cord blood within 10 mins of birth to establish babies' blood group to see whether anti-D is required or not within 72 hours of the birth. HTH. Siobhan 40+4

belgo · 13/10/2006 16:34

Good luck Shivvy - let us know how it goes!

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