If you had an 'easy' birth and recovery, how much help did you need afterwards?

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

I had an easy home birth and recovery felt straightforward and I felt normal ish physically after a couple of days (bled for about 10 days). I was just reading some of the "tips for a newborn" threads and everyone mentions about accepting help.

[weebairn]

I accepted help and felt I was a better mum for it and my DD got all the love and care and cherishing I wanted to give a newborn. I recovered quicker and was happier. I'm sure babies do get used to crying if they are left to but it's not what I wanted to do. My baby also slept through the night from early on so the suggestion holding babies is bad for them is ridiculous I think.

I also offer a lot of help to anyone I know with a newborn. When DD was only a few months old I would regularly go to my sil's and take her 3 year old for a runaround the park so she could just rest with her new baby. I would also clean her house and cook for her, with my 3 month old in a sling. She had had a tough labour and had a catheter in at home for 2 weeks after the birth. I was keen to help because my friends and my mum had helped me so much.

I don't think there's any need to sneer at people who accept and give help, even if you didn't get any yourself.

[AnythingNotEverything]

I don't think it's about "needing help", but about graciously accepting help when it is offered.

I'm really glad you coped so well OP. I think my hair shirt must be at the dry cleaners.

Surely we've all been here long enough to know that any thread that tries to compare anyone's birth (or breastfeeding) experience is not going to end well.

I also think some posters should be mindful that their posts don't read like smug bragging. We're all doing our best. Some have it harder than others, and it doesn't help to hear how "easy" it supposedly is.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I had a straightforward birth, although very painful and because of the position I was in I had neck & back ache for a good few weeks.
I have 5 dc so could have done with some help, but unfortunately dh was straight back to work after 1 day, as he had started a new job, same as my dm she had to work too.
The most help I got was dinner cooked for a week by dh and around 4 school runs were done for me.

[PseudoBadger]

I would've loved to have been back at work straight away after DS, walking my dogs, running C25K and all. But I reckon the neonatal staff may have frowned on it, and the big slit in my tummy may have made it a tad tricky. I'm afraid that DP took an extra week paternity leave, hope that's alright with you?

[apermanentheadache]

What a strange thread.

If we had not asked for, and accepted help, after the birth of our DC2 our world would have fallen apart utterly. Oh, and the pervasive and deeply abnormal belief that mums and dads should be self-sufficient and 'just get on with it' meant we didn't ask for help soon enough.

Easy sneeze-birth. Following this, PND which nearly caused me to be admitted to a psych ward; demanding DD1 to look after; DC2 severe reflux, tongue tie, milk allergy, a battery of genetic tests for fatal conditions. Should I go on??

You say your post is not a stealth boast - sorry: I disagree. It so evidently is.

[Rosa]

I remember one afternoon with dd2 about a week old. Dh had taken dd1 out and my mum came and took dd2 from me saying 'your mum needs a break- baby was feeding every 2/3 hrs. I literally lay backwards on the bed diddn't pick my feet / legs up and I was woken in the same position 2 hrs later.
The first 10 days of both of them just that extra pair of hands was wonderful - shop , wash up , hang the washing out . I also had an infection so was in pain .

[MarlenaGru]

I had a great dh and so didn't need any other help for the first two weeks. My DM then came to stay (uninvited) and she did washing etc. I didn't need her to help but it was helpful. As DD got older and still refused to sleep ever we did night shifts so that I got a couple of hours sleep a night. In the week I had her until 4am feed, passed her to DM who had her until 7am feed. She rarely slept on between unless carried about. Weekends DH did 1-4, I fed her and then DM did 4-7 so I got a few hours sleep. Not everyone can put a baby down at night or day.

Honestly though some of that extra sleep came with so many conditions that I wouldn't accept the help again, no matter how tired. My DM fed DD formula (she had a dairy allergy) when I was asleep one morning. DM told me I was ridiculous to use cloth nappies so I ended up not doing it as she was helping with washing... In the end my life was much simpler when I was allowed to just accept sleep was only if I sat up in a chair and that it wasn't ridiculous of me to breastfeed my DD as she wasn't sleeping through at 6 weeks.

[yesnorah]

I had a very easy birth with DS and I went back to full time study a week later as a single parent. I had childcare while I was studying obviously but no other help in the home. I would have found lots of visitors intrusive, so I don't think anyone should feel obliged to accept help if they feel better without it.

I know I was lucky to bounce back so quickly and I don't look down on anyone who needs more help than I did. I know that as a young mum I was able to recover quickly and just had to get on with things as I had no other choice.

[Kelly1814]

i can't believe all the slackers on this thread. clearly moaning and work-shy and unable to cope with a new baby - WIMPS!

i, naturally, reached round the screen after my baby was born via csection, took the scalpel and needle from the surgeon, and stitched up my own insides, and WOMB.

i think i did a tip top job.

oh and of course, i had NO pain relief.

shortly after that i nipped off to climb mount kilimanjaro. i had my blackberry with me the whole time so i also managed to find a cure for cancer half way up.

ask for help?! RIDC.

[textbook]

I think it's appalling to make women feel somehow inferior for accepting help after having a baby. My dd1 was a crash EMCS, I was EBF and she was a velcro baby who cried all the time and never slept. My dp only took 1 week off, so I was alone with dd out of my face on painkillers/antibiotics and basically unable to move from the sofa while he was out. I had to rely on my amazing family to come and hold her while I showered etc, and could drive me to the doctors surgery every day for 3 weeks to have my section wound packed and dressed when it got infected and opened up. I had a really shit time, and was incredibly grateful that my family rallied round.

If I'd taken the advice of some of the posters here, I should've just stuck her in the sling and hobbled the 30 minutes each way to the doctors each day bleeding and in agony - after all, I wouldn't want to become accustomed to the extra help

Have some empathy for people who don't have it as easy as you. There are plenty of us, I can assure you.

[apermanentheadache]

Oh Kelly: brilliant, made me laugh out loud. I still think you could and should have done more though.

[textbook]

Yeah Kelly - how come you didn't perform the surgery yourself? Entitled much?

[apermanentheadache]

My thoughts exactly. Fancy allowing someone else to perform the C-Section. If you'd tried just that little bit harder...... you must be surpressing hard those feelings of inadequacy on that one ;)

[Flyer747]

Textbook I was going to ask Kelly the same, you actually didn't give yourself the spinal block or cut your dd out? Slacker!

[claphammama]

OP, I'm not sure what kind of validation you are looking for here and why did you have this need to post about your perfect life, wondering why others are struggling. You can't have many friends as, otherwise, you would know that other women's experiences and situations differ from yours.

With my first one, I had a good birth and he was a very easy baby and I didn't need any help - although I got it and accepted with gratitude. It was lovely to have people who loved us and cared enough to want to make my first months with the baby as lovely as possible. Also, trust me, my easy baby turned into a very demanding toddler. And now I have baby number 2 and this one is not easy. I also have no family to help as all our family is now miles away - and it's hard.

What I'm trying to say is - don't be so smug as your time will come. You are being very naive or possibly very young if you think your life and motherhood will be such a bliss all the way. We all get our share sooner or later

[jammiedonut]

I don't think help is needed as such, but it is nice to not have to worry about cooking dinner or having to clean if others are offering to do it for you. You don't get a medal for doing it yourself. Dh spent a month at home with us, and he also appreciated all the help that was offered as he would never get that time back. Everyone knew that we had an open house policy for visitors who wanted to see ds, but we made it clear (very nicely of course) that they were to help themselves to food/ drink (there was no way I was making cups of tea whilst I was bruised from boob to knee!) and not to expect a show home when they arrived. Anyone who didn't want to help themselves would've been very thirsty and hungry indeed but funnily enough no one did!

[emmoB13]

In some cultures, they don't put this pressure on themselves. They go by the phrase 'it takes a village to raise a child'. How nice would that be? That instead of looking around at each other and judging how they do things or how they cope, that we just help others who might be having a harder time than us? I'm glad I didn't up sticks and start touring the world 2 weeks post birth because instead, with help, I got to sit and cuddle my baby. Without the stress of housework or pressure to be doing something else. I know some people don't have this option and I admire them so much for 'just getting on with it' but your not a better mum than me because I didn't force myself to struggle by not having help.

[xuntitledx]

I was firmly in the camp of 'how hard can this be?!' before I had my LO but after a 2 day labour; EMCS and another 2 nights in hospital where I literally didn't sleep a wink because hey, there was nobody around to help me (very full ward) aswell as breastfeeding around the clock because my baby had a poor latch and wasn't feeding well, I hit a wall and rang my mum and BEGGED her to come.

Believe me, she was kept very busy that week.

What a daft post you've started. You sound very cold - not everything is black and white OP.

You might find that concentrating on chores etc might make you feel a little robbed in the future of those precious first days with your baby but I for one will be glad that I won't feel that way.

[spongebobsmallpants]

Havent read all the posts but when I had DD the help side was more housework and meal cooking so I didnt have to worry about anything and just enjoy DD.
My mum stayed for a week and I'd do it again with the next one

[GingerRodgers]

It's not just the physical side though is it? What happens if pnd hits? Baby blues are bad enough but to feel bad for having help when you feel mentally you can't carry on?
No wonder so many people are fucked up. We are far to hard on ourselves and each other.
What works for one won't work for another.

[xuntitledx]

Oh and to add, of course DH was around and helping too but also being up in the nights made us both extremely exhausted so we were glad of the extra pair of hands.

I'm wondering if the OP hasn't returned as she's dealing with a huge poosplosion?

[Fairypants]

I was lucky enough to have easy births and recoveries with both my dd's and really wish anyone had offered some help.
A drink or food would have been great as I would literally go days without eating more than a couple of bowls of cereal as that was the easiest food I could grab one handed. My fil lived with us so he did the washing up (and guilt tripped me about it) and cooked for himself and DH but not me (I'm a veggie). That was it.
I got on with it as you do, however, I genuinely feel that the lack of help contributed to my pnd. Where no help is offered, the inference is that it should not be needed and as standards slipped, I felt I could not leave the house. I struggled to have a shower and felt like I could only go out when I'd done all the housework -and never got on top of it.
Having help, even if you can cope without it, gives 'permission' for the new parents to admit that it is hard to adjust even when you are physically well. It also gives the message to new mums that they are worthwhile and deserve to be looked after- these are really important messages IMO.

[NotCitrus]

Help may be needed. I was ok for the first couple weeks despite SPD pain and increasing pain from breastfeeding and being exhausted from a two night/day labour.
Then I hit a wall of total exhaustion after 3-4 weeks of no more than two hours of sleep together, still in lots of pain, and ds starting to have problems feeding. Fortunately I tracked down a lovely HV and my GP, who ordered me to "call every half-sane person you know and tell them to help, even if it's just rocking the baby under your strict supervision

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

I'm here.

We moved back to the uk from abroad when I was pregnant because we thought we'd need (and get) help. Not sure in what kind of capacity I thought this help would be but it seemingly didn't happen!

And I've got lots of friends with children of varying ages and none had their mums move in, sure they popped round and helped with washing and dinner and emptying the dishwasher etc and I was expecting to feel like I'd need the same but when it came to it I didn't, and not were the offers forthcoming.

Everyone I know (me included) found motherhood a rude awakening. I remember telling my mum (who lives a 10 minute walk away) that I'd had a horrific day spent in tears, couldn't get dressed, dd wouldn't nap, the house was a mess and her response was something along the lines of "oh dear, tomorrow will be better".

This thread wasn't about validation. I guess I just wondered how those offers of help had actually come to fruition when in my experience the offers werent ever real (ie "let me know if you need a hand"). As I said, dd wasn't an easy baby and is now a demanding toddler but the things I need help with dont feel like the kinds of things people would help with, if that makes sense. Anyway, not sure I'm getting my point across very well - I honestly haven't meant to seem inferior to people who have needed help, nor do I think anyone is weak for accepting help whether they need it or not.

[emmoB13]

You've gone from 'easy birth, only probably was bf in first 2 weeks, fab DH who did loads, I didn't need help, those who did, what did your help do?!' to 'demanding baby and toddler, mum wouldn't help me when I needed it'

Contradiction much? From what I can tell, you needed some help, you didn't get any, you just got on with it and survived so you though you'd post so people new as much.