If you had an 'easy' birth and recovery, how much help did you need afterwards?

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

I had an easy home birth and recovery felt straightforward and I felt normal ish physically after a couple of days (bled for about 10 days). I was just reading some of the "tips for a newborn" threads and everyone mentions about accepting help.

I had a very straightforward birth and felt physically fine with my first but was completely overwhelmed by motherhood. Despite having loads of experience with babies and knowing how to take care of them, motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks. DH was (is) great but was similarly overwhelmed and although a very willing father a bit cack handed with our first as he knew nothing about babies. I certainly felt I needed my mums 'help' despite DH being on paternity leave. Help with what practically I couldn't tell you, but emotionally I could never have got through the first couple of weeks without her.

I found my 2nd and 3rd kids way easier and didn't need my mum anywhere near as much despite having a lot more to do practically. I think your post is pretty insensitive actually OP. Can you really not imagine all the different ways a new mum might need some help? It shows a surprising lack of empathy on your part.

Some us us don't have any choice. The only family I have is my elderly disabled mother who need a lot of support herself.
My OH only had one day off work- the day of the birth, so last time around saw me pushing a trolley with a newborn and a toddler around Tescos when my baby was less than 24 hours old!!
The midwife came to visit and couldn't understand why no-one was at home- she thought I had gone back to hospital- she was surprised to hear I had gone to do the weekly shop.

Thankfully I breastfed which eased the workload considerably.

OP "I have a fab DH who did everything round the house"

You did have help then didn't you.

In the early days my lovely dsis, who worked very locally to me, would pop round on her lunch break with a sandwich for me, and hold the screaming baby for me for half an hour while I ate it. It was wonderful.

Ate the sandwich, not the baby

I think a lot depends on how well your baby feeds/sleeps and how well you personally cope with that.

My mum came and cooked us lovely food, did the washing, cleaned the kitchen, that kind of thing. Which left us to focus on bonding with our new baby.

My parents also sent me to bed after dc had had a late evening feed - they did the winding and settling. As dc1 wasn't feeding well and I felt like I was expressing/sterilising/feeding nonstop, that extra kip saved my sanity I think.

Best of all they managed my inlaws visiting

I agree you don't sound very empathic OP.

My mum came to stay for a week after my dh had gone back to work. It was incredibly helpful having someone else around as I was emotionally a bit of a wreck in the early weeks, plus I was so tired from being up all night that it was nice to have someone helping out in the day. My mum didn't help with dd, but she did keep the house tidy, wash clothes, do the washing up and help cook dinner. I felt very lucky to have someone to help even though physically I was capable of doing those things I was a bit overwhelmed by it all.
OP your experience sounds very different to many people on this thread - an easy birth / recovery doesn't mean that life with a newborn will be a breeze for everyone.

I started getting a cleaner/ cook once ds1 was born. They are still here and he's 4! ( and have ds2).

Twice a week she came in ( and still does), and did 9-1pm. In that time with newborns she would cook a meal for that night, and one for fridge/ freezer. Wash baby nappies/ clothing/ change bedding/ clean kitchen/ bathroom/ whatever else she had time for. Wonderful!

I needed help getting the pram in and out the house as CSection + lots of steps was a bad combination. I found visitors were a bit put out when I said great to see you, let's go out! But I was desperate to leave the house -- not sit round drinking tea. My DSis needed a lot more help though - we're all different.

Op I wondered the same but am expecting our.first baby so probably won't understand until I am there (6 weeks and counting!)

My thoughts are that I don't want any one other than me and dh around for 2 weeks.. or evern after!. MIL is a bit too interfery so I would rather she stayed away. I don't want her touching my dirty washing/in my kitchen etc. My mum lives two hours away and has to many commitments (story of my life!) So I have become very independent over the years and hate people 'trying to help' it would.make me stressed having people doing this. There is online shopping so groceries can be delivered and if the baby is on that can't be put down, I will get a wrap/sling so I have my hands free do do little jobs... I don't want anyone to see me in a right state either (both mil and dm are the type to make 'comments' and I can't be arsed with it - if the house is a tip for a while then so be it! Dh will be very hands on so he will be my help - but so he should as we planned this! :-)

(Disclaimer - light hearted ideal plan from a soon to be first mum!)

Oh gosh I don't mean to sound unsympathetic or lacking empathy and sorry if I've come across that way.

It sounds like lots of you have very supportive families and are used to leaning on each other. I struggle to feel like this with mine I suppose. It became very apparent very early on that DM in particular was there to get her dd fix. Not to help me. So I guess I got used to that and didn't lean on her for much. Then before we knew it we were just muddling through in our own way.

I had a really easy birth and recovery, but an incredibly unsettled reflux baby. Any help was so gratefully received as my baby was attached to my boob endlessly, cried 6-8 hours a day, couldn't sleep lying down at all and wouldn't settle for DH. Or other people get minimal support from partners.

It's not always the physical side...

Physically, birth was 'easy' for me. I was very fit & active throughout my pregnancies and recovered quickly afterwards, I was up and about the next day, just felt like I'd done a strenuous day's exercise the day before.

Mentally it was a different matter, especially with the first and it was emotional, not physical support I really needed - DH was there, but 'checked out' emotionally. That first year of being parents was the worst of our marriage and we nearly didn't make it.

By the last baby, again I was physically great and DH was an emotional rock (we had lost our son between our 2 wonderful daughter's being born).

So I didn't need any help, as such, I was capable of the practical stuff, but emotional support in the form of someone just being there, listening, making a cup of tea and sympathising - that was priceless.

My DH took five days off after my first dc and about three after the second one. I was physically fine, just bleeding and leaky and achy and tired as you are. I also had crippling afterpains on dc2 but this tended to be in the middle of the night. I think you just have to get on with it really don't you? Although having someone there for a bit of moral support it always nice.

We had no help from family whatsoever, and we did crack on, but it was hard with with both of ours, and I was so grateful to friends who would make their own cup of tea.

However, DH, like a lot of DHs, was brilliant.

I would have loved someone just to give me a break occasionally. I still would.

Oh I agree that I didn't want anyone to stay at my house, the best kind of help was from people who came, did a specific job, then knew when to leave!

I understand what you mean, I also had little help and a dh who did not have paternity leave for any of my babies.

I had rubbish pregnancies and felt better post birth, always up and about afterwards.

I had dc3 on a Friday and was back in the school playground on Monday morning. A couple of teachers were 'oh how brave' and 'can't believe you are up and dressed already' after the congratulations which I found a bit odd. The school wouldn't have been happy if they had been off though and it would have been much harder to have a day at home alone with all of them to entertain than just a snuggly newborn to feed and cuddle.

I found a stretchy wrap sling a godsend for a refluxy, cries when put down baby, he just spent his time in there and I got on with it all as I had both hands free.

But I have friends now (baby dc3 4 months) who say 'I can't believe you take them all out, I could never cope' if I go to the zoo or into London on the tube. But dh doesn't really have school holidays off and the thought of spend ding all day inside the house with the three of them is far more frightening and depressing to me so we just get on with it and again the baby in a sling is a great help.

I had one horrendous birth and one very easy birth. Dh had 4 weeks off after each one so we worked together. Never felt the need for help from other people. Mil did offer to take our washing but between the 2 of us we managed that sort of thing no problem. It was certainly a lot harder the second time although that was the easy birth - just harder trying to endlessly breAst feed and entertain dd but not a problem that we'd need extra hands for.

Didn't need any help tbh after all five births. Dh was never hands on with any of them as babies, MIL not all that interested and dm died before I had children.
I ff, did all night feeds and all early mornings and had them in a routine asap. I don't need much sleep anyway but they never woke more than once in the night and slept through from six weeks.
I found it all pretty easy if I'm honest but I am sympathetic to those who struggle especially because of a lack of sleep.
My eldest is 26 and youngest is 11 so it's a piece of cake now but I think back when I had eldest there was an expectation that you would just get on with it and strict routines and naps up the garden were part of that.
I do remember MW with youngest reiterating that "we feed on demand now and follow the babies schedule" to which I smiled and nodded and had dd in a routine before she had discharged me regardless because that suited our family's needs.

OP, not really sure what point you're trying to make here?

If there are people / family / DH around who are able and offer to help (do stuff), then great - why wouldn't you gratefully accept it? Other poster have listed great helpful things they could do.

If you don't have friends or family to help (like you), then you just get on with it and do everything yourself.

Just because someone accepts help, doesn't mean they can't do it themselves or can't just get on with things. It just means that for that day, few hours, few minutes there are more people caring for your LO rather than just you.

I really don't see what the big deal is or what you're confused about? Simples!!

Op, to me you just a bit bitter that others were offered help and took it.
I think you would have found yourself with an entirely different view if you had been offered help. I think it's sad you weren't but it doesn't make those of us who were offered it and took it any worse or better at being a mum than you.

You sound a little competitive and of course, if people were not given help they would have done the same as you, just got on with it. When people give 'tips for newborns' having an extra pair of hands is a bloody good tip! It's not just physical help either, it's emotional support through the biggest change a woman goes through.

My mum and DP were amazing help for me and I'll always be grateful of it but if I had had to, I could have done it myself. It just would have been harder, more tears on both sides, less food eaten and a bad smell coming from me!

I'm not sure what the point of this thread is other than to make some mums feel shitty and yourself superior for 'just getting on with it'.

I'm glad you have an easy baby but have a little empathy would you.

I think in the long run, those that do not help in the early days, have a much easier time later down the line. When the help has upped sticks and left, I think some really struggle because their baby has got used to being held all the time and the mother hasn't ever had to balance making lunch, Landry, showering etc. and looking after a baby.

I had squat all help. Dh tried, but returned to work very soon, with both babies, and has long hours. I just got on with it.

I know it sounds daft, but it is even though my children adjusted. In the sense that my baby knew someone wasn't going to hold him when I had a shower, as he had never had any experience of it. He didn't miss what he didn't know. So very early on, the tears dried up.

I have never known help 're. Childcare because both ny parents have passed away and in laws love thousands of miles away. I have dear loving friends, but they have their own families. So it was essentially me, with a bit of dh. No one ever made me lunch! But you know what, I honestly don't think I would have it any other way. My children were and are as easy as they come.

##do not have help##

Dc1 back at university after 10 days

Dc2 out and about in pub gardens/beach whilst bfing the next day when she had been born at 6pm night before.

Dc3 - planning to be back studying at uni after 14 days. I would go in next day but they wont let me.

Hmmmmmmm. I think there are plenty of obvious reasons as to why someone may NEED help after having a baby despite an easy birth - from not having a DH/P who is able to be around, to having breastfeeding problems, to suffering with PND, to struggling with baby blues, to all manner of things. For other people, perhaps they don't NEED help - they would manage and get through those first days and weeks, but what a relief it is not to have to think about a meal because someone makes/brings one round for you, or to have someone take your other child/children out to play at a time when they need lots of support too, or to know that someone is taking care of basic cleaning, etc. Obviously, if you find having someone around stressful, then this wouldn't be welcomed, but I think it's very, very normal to want some help and support even if you don't technically NEED it.