If you had an 'easy' birth and recovery, how much help did you need afterwards?

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

I had an easy home birth and recovery felt straightforward and I felt normal ish physically after a couple of days (bled for about 10 days). I was just reading some of the "tips for a newborn" threads and everyone mentions about accepting help.

[Wickedgirl]

No one will give a new mum a medal for "doing it all herself".

I have had 4 babies and have been blessed with easy babies after fairly straightforward births. It would have been lovely to have help but I don't have any family close by so had to manage by myself. I always offer to help my friends which babies as I know how hard it can be.

[claudeekishi]

Straightforward birth and recovery. Dh had 3 weeks of leave which was lovely. Things were hectic but also blurry and sweet for those first 3 weeks and he did most things around the house while I did the feeding. Family came to visit but didn't stay with us.

When dd was 3 weeks old, colic kicked in, DH went back to work and it got a looooot harder. Again, family came to visit fairly regularly; my mum often just hung around the house with me and made me sandwiches and cups of tea while I fed. I'm not great at asking for help but if I had asked, my family and friends would have done most anything for me. I'm lucky like that.

And I regret not saying 'yes' to more help, actually, when people offered. My mum would have gladly done our laundry and cleaned the house but for some reason I felt like I should be able to cope with all of that too. And I was able to cope and of course one just gets on with it. But it might have been a lot less stressful if I'd just said yes more.

Most people love to help when there's a new baby. Why not avail?

[minipie]

OP you say that "everyone has different thresholds of what they find tolerable".

Just because someone is offered, and accepts, help doesn't mean they have a lower threshold for what they can tolerate. It just means they were lucky to have more helpful family and friends.

You're not sure what your parents could have done to help. Here's an example. You say your baby wouldn't nap. Mine was similar - would only sleep in arms, or in a moving pram. My mum came and held DD, or took her out for walks, so I could eat/shower/rest. So there's an obvious way your parents could have helped you. They just didn't.

In the first two weeks, while DH was still at home, I didn't need as much help from anyone else. However there were still one or two nights where DD had not slept at all and my DM came to help the following day so we could nap.

Of course we could have managed without this help. But why should we when it made our lives more bearable and less knackered?

[elliejjtiny]

I had 3 straightforward births and a nightmare one. With DS1 I had PND and was very anxious so needed a lot of reassurance but not much help as such. With DS2 I had 2 under 2 and DS2 struggled to put on weight so I really could have done with someone taking DS1 to the park while I fed DS2. With DS3 the hardest thing was fitting feeds round the school run and getting 3 children fed, dressed and out of the house by 8:15am. With DS4 I had a C-section and DS4 was prem and in nicu so needed full time help for 8 weeks.

[AnythingNotEverything]

OP- reading your recent posts it sounds like you should've used a different thread title. You aren't interested in what help people "need", you're interested in the ways in which people we're genuinely helped.

This information is, I think is probably on the thread you were originally reading which prompted you to start this one.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I understand that The but if the choice is there I don't understand why some don't take it.
I would have loved someone to help me out.

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

pumpkin for some though it is a luxury to have housework take a back seat. If you have other children to care for and no support then you simply have to do it.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I think it's a shame when people see it as a race of who can cope best when we all wish for help but sometimes it isn't available to us.
Our first days and weeks with a new baby are precious, we will never get that time back. Work & housework should surely take a back seat, even if just for a couple of weeks.
I'm glad I let the housework slip & accepted the small help I did get as those weeks flew by and my baby is nearly 7 weeks already!

[apermanentheadache]

That's a shame for you that you've no-one to lean on. Your parents sound shit if they can't help at all or even extend the offer of some emotional support and warmth.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you are invincible though - the fall, if it comes at some point in the future, will be harder if you do so.

PS, it's got eff all to do with 'coping'. Sometimes life throws you a pile of shit that would try the patience of Gandhi. You seem entirely lacking in empathy to be honest.

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

I guess I just took those things (demanding fussy baby with colic, bad napper, sleepless nights etc etc) to be part and parcel of having a baby regardless of how much of a shock to the system it was so they never felt like real problems. I'm fully aware that everyone has different thresholds for what is tolerable and I can see that many people have supportive family members but I felt like DH and I could tackle everything we needed to.

I sincerely can't imagine what any of our parents (mine are divorced and remarried so we've got 3 sets between us) could've actually done to help us get to grips with parenting. Those of you who felt able to lean on yours are lucky and I can see how nice that must've been - just feels a bit alien to me I guess.

[emmoB13]

You've gone from 'easy birth, only probably was bf in first 2 weeks, fab DH who did loads, I didn't need help, those who did, what did your help do?!' to 'demanding baby and toddler, mum wouldn't help me when I needed it'

Contradiction much? From what I can tell, you needed some help, you didn't get any, you just got on with it and survived so you though you'd post so people new as much.

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

I'm here.

We moved back to the uk from abroad when I was pregnant because we thought we'd need (and get) help. Not sure in what kind of capacity I thought this help would be but it seemingly didn't happen!

And I've got lots of friends with children of varying ages and none had their mums move in, sure they popped round and helped with washing and dinner and emptying the dishwasher etc and I was expecting to feel like I'd need the same but when it came to it I didn't, and not were the offers forthcoming.

Everyone I know (me included) found motherhood a rude awakening. I remember telling my mum (who lives a 10 minute walk away) that I'd had a horrific day spent in tears, couldn't get dressed, dd wouldn't nap, the house was a mess and her response was something along the lines of "oh dear, tomorrow will be better".

This thread wasn't about validation. I guess I just wondered how those offers of help had actually come to fruition when in my experience the offers werent ever real (ie "let me know if you need a hand"). As I said, dd wasn't an easy baby and is now a demanding toddler but the things I need help with dont feel like the kinds of things people would help with, if that makes sense. Anyway, not sure I'm getting my point across very well - I honestly haven't meant to seem inferior to people who have needed help, nor do I think anyone is weak for accepting help whether they need it or not.

[NotCitrus]

Help may be needed. I was ok for the first couple weeks despite SPD pain and increasing pain from breastfeeding and being exhausted from a two night/day labour.
Then I hit a wall of total exhaustion after 3-4 weeks of no more than two hours of sleep together, still in lots of pain, and ds starting to have problems feeding. Fortunately I tracked down a lovely HV and my GP, who ordered me to "call every half-sane person you know and tell them to help, even if it's just rocking the baby under your strict supervision

[Fairypants]

I was lucky enough to have easy births and recoveries with both my dd's and really wish anyone had offered some help.
A drink or food would have been great as I would literally go days without eating more than a couple of bowls of cereal as that was the easiest food I could grab one handed. My fil lived with us so he did the washing up (and guilt tripped me about it) and cooked for himself and DH but not me (I'm a veggie). That was it.
I got on with it as you do, however, I genuinely feel that the lack of help contributed to my pnd. Where no help is offered, the inference is that it should not be needed and as standards slipped, I felt I could not leave the house. I struggled to have a shower and felt like I could only go out when I'd done all the housework -and never got on top of it.
Having help, even if you can cope without it, gives 'permission' for the new parents to admit that it is hard to adjust even when you are physically well. It also gives the message to new mums that they are worthwhile and deserve to be looked after- these are really important messages IMO.

[xuntitledx]

Oh and to add, of course DH was around and helping too but also being up in the nights made us both extremely exhausted so we were glad of the extra pair of hands.

I'm wondering if the OP hasn't returned as she's dealing with a huge poosplosion?

[GingerRodgers]

It's not just the physical side though is it? What happens if pnd hits? Baby blues are bad enough but to feel bad for having help when you feel mentally you can't carry on?
No wonder so many people are fucked up. We are far to hard on ourselves and each other.
What works for one won't work for another.

[spongebobsmallpants]

Havent read all the posts but when I had DD the help side was more housework and meal cooking so I didnt have to worry about anything and just enjoy DD.
My mum stayed for a week and I'd do it again with the next one

[xuntitledx]

I was firmly in the camp of 'how hard can this be?!' before I had my LO but after a 2 day labour; EMCS and another 2 nights in hospital where I literally didn't sleep a wink because hey, there was nobody around to help me (very full ward) aswell as breastfeeding around the clock because my baby had a poor latch and wasn't feeding well, I hit a wall and rang my mum and BEGGED her to come.

Believe me, she was kept very busy that week.

What a daft post you've started. You sound very cold - not everything is black and white OP.

You might find that concentrating on chores etc might make you feel a little robbed in the future of those precious first days with your baby but I for one will be glad that I won't feel that way.

[emmoB13]

In some cultures, they don't put this pressure on themselves. They go by the phrase 'it takes a village to raise a child'. How nice would that be? That instead of looking around at each other and judging how they do things or how they cope, that we just help others who might be having a harder time than us? I'm glad I didn't up sticks and start touring the world 2 weeks post birth because instead, with help, I got to sit and cuddle my baby. Without the stress of housework or pressure to be doing something else. I know some people don't have this option and I admire them so much for 'just getting on with it' but your not a better mum than me because I didn't force myself to struggle by not having help.

[jammiedonut]

I don't think help is needed as such, but it is nice to not have to worry about cooking dinner or having to clean if others are offering to do it for you. You don't get a medal for doing it yourself. Dh spent a month at home with us, and he also appreciated all the help that was offered as he would never get that time back. Everyone knew that we had an open house policy for visitors who wanted to see ds, but we made it clear (very nicely of course) that they were to help themselves to food/ drink (there was no way I was making cups of tea whilst I was bruised from boob to knee!) and not to expect a show home when they arrived. Anyone who didn't want to help themselves would've been very thirsty and hungry indeed but funnily enough no one did!

[claphammama]

OP, I'm not sure what kind of validation you are looking for here and why did you have this need to post about your perfect life, wondering why others are struggling. You can't have many friends as, otherwise, you would know that other women's experiences and situations differ from yours.

With my first one, I had a good birth and he was a very easy baby and I didn't need any help - although I got it and accepted with gratitude. It was lovely to have people who loved us and cared enough to want to make my first months with the baby as lovely as possible. Also, trust me, my easy baby turned into a very demanding toddler. And now I have baby number 2 and this one is not easy. I also have no family to help as all our family is now miles away - and it's hard.

What I'm trying to say is - don't be so smug as your time will come. You are being very naive or possibly very young if you think your life and motherhood will be such a bliss all the way. We all get our share sooner or later

[Flyer747]

Textbook I was going to ask Kelly the same, you actually didn't give yourself the spinal block or cut your dd out? Slacker!

[apermanentheadache]

My thoughts exactly. Fancy allowing someone else to perform the C-Section. If you'd tried just that little bit harder...... you must be surpressing hard those feelings of inadequacy on that one ;)

[textbook]

Yeah Kelly - how come you didn't perform the surgery yourself? Entitled much?

[apermanentheadache]

Oh Kelly: brilliant, made me laugh out loud. I still think you could and should have done more though.