I think I can answer the stitching issue. My episiotomy was only stitched sort of top and bottom, if you see what I mean, leaving the whole middle section unstitched (like you say, basically a hole). I enquired about this when seeing a consultant at 6 weeks, and apparently if you stitch it all then there is a much higher likelihood of it healing too tight or 'pulling' to one side as the tissues tighten following delivery. They reckon they get much better results leaving it free. Mine was actually too tight anyway, but they sorted that at the same time as the fenton's procedure.
Thirtysomething, I know exactly how you feel. I was told by the first consultant I saw that my problems with sex were psychological. His internal exam made me weep with pain, and I am not a weeper, but he claimed that since he could stretch the tissue it meant everything was fine and the problem was with me. I did point out that I am a psychologist, and if anyone would know when a problem was mental in origin it was me, but he gave me a ton of KY and sent me home to 'keep working on it'. Shortly after this, my husband and I decided to give up on sex for good as it was too painful and actually quite traumatic.
Then, when I saw my urogynae about the continence, he asked about sex. On internal exam, he immediately identified the problem (which he told me was quite obvious and not uncommon, and he could not understand why the first consultant had dismissed me). When the stitching had healed, it tightened causing an internal 'band' which was what prevented me from having sex (or even a smear test). The fenton's procedure (which he did in day surgery a few months later) cuts the repair, removes any scar tissue (which can rub during sex apparently) and then re-stitches in the other direction. I'll try to explain. They cut out the repair which for me was along the vertical axis, then stitch the top and bottom of the gap together (i.e. a horizontal repair). I am exactly the same as before delivery now (see my post below).
I couldn't have smear tests either, but my GP was brilliant as we knew what the problem was by then. I bet you've got the same problem. If so, you'll be delighted to hear that it is easy to fix! I wasn't even in pain afterwards (which is more than I can say about the months following the forceps delivery).
DEFINITELY seek a referral.