My friend has a troubled child (11) who regularly soils themselves, wees and poos. There is no obvious physical issue. The child appears to be quite normal and is extremely capable in some areas - athletically and in STEM activities at school. No autism diagnosis but the child has anxiety problems. My friend has mentioned that DC is prone to self harm, but I’m not sure what type exactly. DC is also extremely picky with food. My friend recently broke up with her partner - the child’s father, moved countries and has now come back as the move didn’t work out financially. She’s a concerned mother and the younger child is very well adjusted and doesn’t seem to have sibling’s issues.
My main problem is, they have been coming around to our house and the troubled child smells terrible because of the soiling issue. It’s so bad it makes me gag when they get too close, so it must be awful for my children and anyone in class at school with them. I know that my friend is trying to help her child but she is at a loss and I’m not sure the health system in our country (not UK) is reacting with enough urgency. Regardless of what’s behind this, if this were my child I would not be at people’s houses with DC smelling like this and would immediately get them to shower/change every time it happened. If out and about I would have the car full of spare clothes and wipes. She must be able to smell it too as it’s very strong. I’m not worried about my house smelling but I am worried about the effect on everyone, especially the other children, being forced to hold their noses and pretend this isn’t happening. They were at our house for 3 hours recently and the smell was there the whole time - the mother did nothing about it. My children were very kind and I talked to them later to commend them for this but I know it’s disturbing for them. There have also been incidents at other people’s houses and I have spoken to another close friend about how she thinks we should deal with this. She’s also unsure. I don’t know how to bring it up with the mother as I know she is very troubled by the problems with her DC and that she has been trying to get help for him. I don’t want her to feel they are not welcome at our house as I know she needs as much support as she can get right now, and in every other way we enjoy their company. Maybe a mental health professional has advised her to ignore the self soiling? Could this be strategic? What is the best way to support this family in my position without offending them, but still helping the mother and DC understand that it is not socially acceptable to expect others to tolerate the smell of faeces and urine in their environs for extended periods of time? No matter what the reason or situation? Or should I just keep quiet and be kind while she figures this out with DC and medical people? It has been going on for a few years now.