Hello.
Dad here and getting desparate.
Im will try to be brief but I need some sort of support. What that is, I dont really know.
I am married with 2 girls aged 9 and 10.
The 9 year old was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD about 2 years ago. All professionals involved beleive she also suffers from Pathological Demand Avoidance but our local authority don't diagnose it.
Her behaviour is degenerating significantly and she has been out of full time school for nearly three years. My wife and i are locked in a battle with Derbyshire County Council to get an EHCP signed off. This has been going on for 2 years and still isn't finalised.
She is aggressive, violent and unpredictable. My wife and I are generally covered in bruises, nail marks and teeth marks. We have had to remove knives from her and stop her jumping out of a bedroom window. She ties things tight around her neck and tells us she wants to die multiple times everyday.
She attacks her older sister "M" relentlessly. We have had to put a lock on M's door just to keep her safe. M is registered as a young carer and does receive pastoral support from school and Young Carers but is clearly depressed and needs further help.
She has a good group of friends and generally tries to spend as much time out of the house as possible.
But then "D" (the autistic one) gets very jealous and upset. She doesn't really have any friends (which breaks my heart) as she isn't at school and struggles with relationships with her peers.
D is on a new medication. We tried Ritalin but, whilst it kept her slightly calmer, she was taking 3 hours to go to sleep each night. And for those three hours one of us had to sit with her or she would freak out. These new meds are new and we have been warned to dig in for a difficult few weeks but i am starting to lose hope.
Life at home is unmanageble. I cannot remember the last time my wife and I slept in the same bed as D won't settle unless she is in out bed. Our personal, sexual and day to day relationship is non-existant as we have to parent in shifts. We both have shift working jobs and I work very long hours, usually at least 12 hour days. We are not in a position to reduce hours. There is no family time now as D is too aggressive so one has to spend time with D whilst the other spends time with M.
We have no support where we live. My mum and dad are elderly and live 200 miles away and my MIL is 90 minutes away but doesn't drive. She blames us for D's behaviour anyway and says we are too soft on her (which we have never been!) and we have always played second fiddle to her much more glamourous and successful younger daughter (wife's sister) so we get judged rather than helped.
I have tried so long and so hard to get help. I have tried all the techniques in books about autism and they simply don't work. Last time I spoke to an autsim support worker she said "WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD WITH PATHOLOGICAL DEMAND AVOIDANCE YOU MAY AS WELL THROW ALL THE HELP BOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW! and it is true.
No one really seems to know what we are going through apart from other parents whom have children with PDA.
I am a police officer and I can rememeber the first time I came across a youth with PDA. I honestly thought "what a load of bollocks. You are just badly behaved" and it took having my own child suffer with it for me to really "get it" and finally understand (I am ashamed to say!).
Life is a struggle and, as a family we are falling apart. I love my wife and kids without question but I am losing hope.
I am utterly exhausted and, whilst there may be the chance of a school place in the coming weeks, I have been let down so many times before, so just cannot really see the light at the end of the tunnel.
People tell me to be positive but I can't see how I can be positive.
I transferred to a northern police force from a southern force 5 years ago and a few weeks ago I told my wife I was going to contact my old force and see if they would take me back and i was walking away from it all. When I said that I meant it. It wasn't in the heat of the moment, but I managed to have a word with myself and talk myself round.
I have urged my wife to sign a section 20 to put D into foster care but she (rightfully) won't entertain it.
I am just falling apart.
Each day when I get up its a case of drawing a deep breath and thinking "he we go again" and gritting my teeth. I used to have hopes and dreams both for me and the family but now my only goal each day is to get to bed time.
I feel utterly exhausted, defeated and a failure as a parent.
Any help or words of encouragement would be appreciated.
Please don't be too harsh. I am clinging on to the edge (sorry if that sounds pathetic).
Ironfingers 42.