AIBU to consider having my 16yr old DD sectioned?

[Abiamber]

This really is last resort thinking.
A bit of background as full history would take too long.
Dd suffers anxiety and OCD. Just finished school but didn’t really attend during year 11 and only sat 2 GCSEs due to acute anxiety and meltdowns. We have spent about 2 years being passed between gp, school and CAHMS. Each one saying we need to contact the others. School refusal has meant DD was designated child in need and we had a social worker. Now 3 months later they have said she is not CIN and social worker removed. DD self referred to camhs over a year ago. Has been offered group support which she doesn’t feel able to cope with. I was led to believe she was on 1 to 1 waiting list but CAHMS have told social worker she isn’t on list!
My 34 marriage has ended this year largely due to the stress caused by this situation. DD also has some behaviour issues. She is very controlling and manipulative of me. This combination is toxic. During the gcse period she had numerous severe meltdowns. CAHMS advice was to call an ambulance if I couldn’t deal with it.
I’m now thinking that the only way to get any help will be to force a meltdown eg not to take my clothes off at the door or spray my feet with antibacterial spray before I stand on the carpet. DD ocd focuses on contamination from germs. If she had a meltdown, I call 999 and try to get her admitted under mental health act. I know this is extreme and not sure I could actually go through with it but I am desperate.
What does anyone think?

I agree with PP re CAHMs, just spoke to my poor mum who was in your position and she said that thinking about it the times they did help were when she called twice a day every day. She says make yourself a nuisance so people do things to get you off their back.

It's not in our nature to shout the loudest (we are very much don't make a fuss usually) but you have to learn to as an advocate for her. She also complained to PALs (this actually does seem to help) and wrote to our MP about the lack of support.

These are all things I wouldn't have thought would help but she says they seemed to at least get me into the system and get things moving.

Sorry OP, mum says she's thinking of you too - she also thought you can "get" someone sectioned but this is a myth perpetuated by TV and films, it's actually really rare.

Thinking of you

I wanted to add I speak from experience on both sides of the fence.

I'm a mental health nurse, I've worked across many services from CAMHS to secure services including the ambulance service. The ambulance service can do very little but transport her to hospital.

I've been involved in the sectioning of people many times and I know the law very very well.

CAMHS is broken and it takes a lot of resilience to deal with it.

Just cause one daughter is ok and the other isn't doesn't mean it's not a systemic family issue. Just that one is potentially more able to cope and more resilient. Families should always be part of the solution whether they have been part of the problem or not.

Your daughter sounds overwhelmed by life and there usually is a trigger or series of triggers along the way.

Really sorry to read some of the unhelpful responses to a person who is at her wits' end. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, OP, but I would like you to know that not everyone who reads this is unsympathetic to your situation, and to send you very best wishes for a resolution for you and your DD.

Also Mind can provide independent advocates if you google up Mind Advocacy see if they cover your area

If you've not already get yourself some carers support. It's a lifesaver.

Stop enabling her OCD by not pandering to her need for rituals.

Your marriage has ended because of her behaviour so time to take action is well overdue

Is she on medication for ocd / mental health issues ? Or currently battling on unmedicated?

Just because one child is fine doesn’t mean this is not a family issue. Children have unique personalities & what will work parenting wise will not be effective for the other.

You need to keep pushing, Camhs, gp, sw - whoever you can to get help. Unfortunately an ambulance won't help, she won't be sectioned, even people immediately trying to kill themselves cant always be sectioned because there just aren't the beds. Private therapy would be the best option, do you have any cover through work that may include your children?

As I teen I had a mh crisis and my mum pushed every avenue she could think of to get me help as even 15 years ago mh was under resourced.

Do contact mind or other mental health charity and see what support they can offer. Where I live there are smaller independent organisations but not sure about elsewhere in the country.

I think some responses here are harsh. The OP is clearly desperate. The theory family life causes or triggers OCD is just that, a theory. There are many other theories - PANDAS, genetics, chemical imbalances being some of the others.

Rubbing, of course "it isn't bloody normal", but you wouldn't say that to a parent whose child was physically ill so why say it to one whose child is mentally unwell?

Your DD won't be sectioned by what you have written here, unless things are much worse than what you have posted. Unless absolutely essential to keep everyone safe admissions can cause more harm than good.

But, you need to pester CAMHS. Every time you reach crisis point you need to contact the crisis team or take her to A&E, by ambulance if necessary. Every week contact CAMHS and update them on how you are not coping, and ask where you are on the waiting list and can you be seen sooner as your DD's MH is deteriorating.

I would second medication if not already taking any.

You could request a carer's assessment. Also, challenge not being classed as a child in need because your DD fits the legal definition.

Why are you renting, has your husband kept the house? What has he given you in return?

Sorry for the questions but it seems there's a long back story here, around your ex husband and daughter?

Does your daughter receive DLA? You could use that (or apply for it) for therapy.

FGS some awful posts here.

I only have sympathy and OP

Baggypants
I walked out on my H. I have had my own issues to deal with this year and chose to ‘walk away’ he is still in our house with my older daughter. We are currently deciding what to do to move forward. Sell up and split or try getting back together. That’s a whole other issue. SW is removed from our case and has moved to another job. I guess they looked at her cases and decided we could be ‘let go’ as DD has repeatedly refused to see her. Family services were the same. Because DD wouldn’t engage they washed their hands of her. She is a young person in crisis but instead of persevering they just walk away. Can’t really blame them because they are so underfunded that they probably choose to concentrate on the ‘easier ‘ cases.
Just can’t see how I can carry on like this. I need support for both our sakes. DD wants medication but how do we get it when everyone I contact just says you need to talk to X, X says talk to Y, Y says talk to the first person we spoke to. Round and round in circles!

Even if you did this there is no way your DD would be sectioned

@Abiamber - Guilt isn't worth it; though I know how difficult it is to let go. But sometimes it can stop you from acting clearly and decisively.

I've been in therapy a long time; I also started training as a therapist. My parents were unable and/or unwilling to find any insight, and so I eventually realised that healing was down to me alone.

Please do become a pain in the ass for CAMHS, as suggested by other posters. You can also get into therapy yourself - which at the very least, if it's good, will equip you to deal with your DD better. If you feel you can't afford it, some institutions offer fees on a sliding scale. It's also worth approaching individual therapists and asking if they would work with you for a (substantially) reduced fee. You might be surprised how many of them would consider this.

But disempowerment comes with the territory. It took years for me to realise that I could act - and years still to act fully.

All the best.

it's very interesting seeing the responses here. Has your daughter ever been properly assessed for ASD? OCD etc. could be linked. We can all be better parents... but what is required of you in this situation is greater than many of us could manage without a lot of support/guidance/therapy etc.... I wouldn't be starting from a place of you have caused it as you may never get to the bottom of it (genetics, infection etc. etc.) but you do need to address where you are now and what you can do... and this takes considerable resources in every respect at a time when you are probably on your knees...

When she was about 9 DD had paediatric assessment as school had issues with her behaviour. The outcome was ‘extreme end of normal ‘ in other words she hadn’t quite crossed the ASD line so was considered ‘normal ‘ and no intervention was needed! As she is intelligent she has become very adept at either convincing people she doesn’t have a problem or either just refuses to engage because she knows that at 16 no one can actually force her to do anything she doesn’t want . That’s where the behaviour issues contribute to the problems. Many people will think just leave her to get on with it but as a parent you want to make things better. Also, it’s not just her ocd. I have fallen into following her ‘instructions ‘ to keep the house ‘safe’ and can’t have people visit, not even my other daughter. I am living with OCD and I really don’t want to so have to find some way to improve things for both our sakes even if she doesn’t yet feel able to.

That's interesting about the assessment... girls and women can be so adept at masking and the diagnosis is still catching up. Perhaps you should revisit that and ask your GP to refer again (take a look at the Lorna Wing and the work they do). A friend's daughter was behaving very similarly and finally got an ASD diagnosis around 15/16 which made a huge difference to her self perception and hence anxiety.

Hi there sorry to read you’re in such a heartbreaking situation. I find some of the comments on here very narrow minded and accusatory. Often the people who blame the parents haven’t actually suffered themselves with a child with severe need of help. I’m in a similar situation with my daughter. She has attempted suicide 5 times has severe conduct disorder, depression, anxiety and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. I am at my wits end with how to help her. She has been offered voluntary inpatient Cahms care however doesn’t think she has a problem but that it’s everyone else around her. For 3 years I’ve engaged with Cahms, social services, counselling, Targetted support, school intervention - there is nothing else left to try other than a section which is inevitable if she carries on as she is. Unless your in the situation and desperate it is a cop out to blame the parents. I know I’ve tried everything possible to help and to accept that inpatient care might be for the greater good so she doesn’t have problems in her adult life. I hope you are ok and get the support you need. H x

OP, I have just found this thread and wonder how things are? Your daughter sounds very similar to my 13yo. I am shocked by some of the responses you've received. I fully understand the agony you're going through. One thing that helped me was joining an OCD support group. These are usually over the phone once a month. It helped a great deal to speak with others - actually, just to know there were other people out there who truly understood what we were going through (plus, you will realise they are 'normal', decent parents, who haven't 'made' their children this way!). OCD Action and other organisations have a great deal of information and help. Really agree with pp about ASD - look into it, you may get some answers. We had no input from CAMHS - I had to make a decision whether to go on a waiting list for an ASD assessment or be seen for a general mental health assessment. We had started CBT and chose the ASD route. I couldn't afford CBT either. I was extremely lucky that a relative gave me money for a few sessions and once the amazing therapist met my daughter, he said she needed far more and saw her for a year for next to nothing. It really helped - not necessarily with the OCD, but with her coming to terms with herself. We have far fewer meltdowns. I sincerely believe my dd was unwell enough to have been hospitalised last year - looking back, I am really pleased this didn't happen. Please let us know how you are.

Most therapists will work a sliding scale to make sure everyone has access to therapy so that option is available to you. It might be helpful so you can look at how you're involved in her behaviour and this system you've created together.

My son was sectioned. It was absolutely horrendous. I would not have faith that in hospital she would be treated compassionately. Use the complaints system but do not have her sectioned.