Just found to DD self harming and suicidal - devastating.

[PhyllisDietrichson]

Learned a week ago from our GP that DD had been in touch (thank goodness) to explain that she is self harming the length of both legs and has stood on top of tall buildings contemplating ending it; only deciding not to because some people were down below or because (her bedroom window) was not high enough to do a good job. So very hard to hear.

I don't know how we got here. it's one of the worst things a parent can hear - and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with. But so glad you are here, I've been feeling very alone.

Ever since I've been on the phone and emailing: our doctor, local private hospital's, CAMHS and DD's college, trying to find anyone who can help her NOW. if she was anorexic, she'd be seen far sooner I understand but with her symptoms she has to wait a month for an initial assessment with CAMHS, OR we have the A&E option in an emergency situation (that's assuming she thinks to let us know next time she's on the 6th floor of a carpark?!?)

DD very unforthcoming with any information, reluctant to talk to us. Finds my questions boring, pointless and intrusive and has told me to back off discussing it. So frustrating. Any helpful advice much appreciated while we wait for this far off appointment.

Hi blimppy ta fr yr msg, yes ive been on the pro ana sites. Really really messed-up in my opinion. I wont look at them again. Hadn't considered the option of limiting access, not sure it's possible, I'll ask DH. Yes DD being moved to EDU at hosp, as ahe has lost so much weight rapidly. Most worrying of all is her serious reduction of fluids.

I am feeling a little more hopeful though. I read a brilliant blog by Emily Troscianko about her 10 year battle with the condition and her wonderful Mum, Sue Blackmore's approach to the illness, i found most helpful of all. I had been so head-down involved in trying desperately to control every aspect of DDs condition, but I now realise I can't control it.

I can be here for her, talk with her, encourage her to eat and drink and escort her to all the appointments and love her, but i cant make her eat, i cant make her happy and with the best will in the world i can not actually make her well. So, i feel actually stronger knowing this, and far far less anxious (to the point where i started to feel unwell myself). I can approach this stronger and in a clearer more controlled helpful way. I can actually be here for her without trying to beat the impossible and in the process dragging me, DH and DS down into a hideous unwinnable battleground. I can help my DD to fight her own battle, i'll be there with her every step, but wont make myself and our family victims of this horrendous illness too.

Update I realise the sad irony of an earliier posting, where I mentioned if DD had anorexia she'd be seen much sooner, well she has and we're off to the EDU for the first time - the whole family goes for this appointment. Plus we take a file of forms we've completed from our point of view and the same forms from hers. DD still eating around 700 cals per day but at least she's eating 3 meals albeit tiny portions. Fingers crossed. I may have mentioned DD was bulimic for around 6 months before developing anorexia, and we had absolutely no idea. We're only 8 months in all in all, so early days for this illness, so there's hope and I am a little hopeful.

Just to let you know that someone out here is reading this and thinking what a brilliant parent you are being OP. Your DD won't appreciate this just now and may never understand how hard this is for you and how much a lioness fights for her cubs. Stick in there - hoping for the best for you all

I can't help in any way, other than to listen xx

thanks Barb and Sweep and all who've posted such helpful kind messages X

Hi Phyllis. Just wanted to add that I do know someone whose daughter developed anorexia at age 13. It took a year, and was pretty torrid, but she did recover and is now doing well at school and socially. You're doing all you can for your DD, she's getting the right help and you are doing great! Thinking of you.

Update
DD has stopped self harming, and is eating again, gaining a little weight, and she's making the most of her appearance which is great to see. It's now 5 months since we first learned of her illness. Very pleasing and a long way from the bleakness we found ourselves in a few months ago.

I remain wary, i know it's 2 steps forward, one back most of the time. But it'd be an upwards graph if we could measure everything.

Some days she still uncomfortable in her skin. I cant cuddle her most of the time, she doesnt like being touched still, but on her bithday we had a kiss and a quick hug. But she can be rude and unloving, and condemming of a lot of what I say, which is tough, but fairly normal teen stuff. DD hates being told she's pretty as she just can't see it, but will tolerate a 'you look nice'. She's going out (and apart from lying to us about visiting a friend with issues in hospital) is regaining abandoned friendships, and made new friends. She's kept college going and is doing well.

DDs off to uni in 16 months time, all being well, and we have that time to try to keep her on track. Her sessions at EDU will come to an end soon I should imagine, but hopefully CAMHS will keep up with her for a while yet, she's not dealt with the core reasons for her very low self regard so theres still work to do. There's a lot to be thankful for though and so I cant really ask for more.

So glad to hear your DD is doing better. This all struck a chord with me as I had the same issues as a teenager and now as an adult I can see how much pain this must have caused my parents. You still have plenty of time before she goes to Uni to support her in building healthier coping strategies, it was when I left home I really went off the edge as I hadn't taken advantage of the support available when I was younger. I hated being grilled on my feelings but was never asked what I felt would help me feel better day to day, just asked "why" I was doing this which was really difficult to articulate. Exercise is great as it releases endorphins just like self harming, and is obviously a healthier way to blow off steam. Would she be interested in a gym membership or even just some privacy to follow DVDs or YouTube tutorials a few times a week in your living room? If she's overwhelmed with school work at this age, you could help her make a timetable which sets aside clear 'down time' to unwind and switch off from that stress. Being creative or learning a skill is a great way to build self esteem too, I used to learn hula-hoop tricks and make tiny fimo models and friendship bracelets just because it kept my mind and hands busy. Self harming is often a way of feeling in control, and I only stopped when I felt my life was in order and I didn't need to be scared any more. I found it really helpful to make a mind map of all my stresses, as it often made the solutions clearer which in turn made it much easier to ask for help. Good luck - you sound like a great mum and she's very lucky to have your support.

Thank you anon. It's very good to know you made it through gh the wild wild wood.

Update

I very pleased to say our DD is so very much better!

It's 6 months almost to the day since we found out she was ill and this week she's off looking at Uni's and planning a future. She's put on weight and is now in the bottom end of 'normal'. It's been one step forward and 2 back some days, and overall has been a fraught overwhelming, sad, lonely experience for us and her. BUT DD wore shorts this week and her legs look almost clear of self harming scars which is just wonderful. if you look really closely they're still there but very much reduced . They were never deep ones mercifully - more like thousands of scratches - possibly done with pin but I never found out.

Lots has brought this about: the EDU has been fantastic, and now DD back at regular CAHMS they're seeing her less gradually signing her off. The meds have really helped her - I know it's controversial giving a teen Fluoxetine/Prozac, but it's kept her alive, and the combination of that, the therapy, our perseverance (I think) has paid off. Also very importantly, DD goes out with new friends (such a relief) who seem much more upbeat, much less demanding and EMO-like, it's massively altered her view not having to micro manage her reactions around the old high-maintenance pals. DD seems actually happy, much more of the time anyway. She coped pretty well with year 12 exams, I do think it was a strain for her - but she stuck at it and made up for the missed sessions well.

I can't tell you how much of a contrast this all is from just 6 months ago. It seems too good to be true, but I need to remain optimistic. Year 13 might prove a tricky transition in Autumn and next summer will be bak to exams (why do teens really have to sit so many?) Life will always throw out nasty curve-balls, but we're very hopeful for the future at the moment - long may it continue. Thanks for being here and responding. It's meant a lot. Bye for now Phyllis

That's wonderful to read. I'm so pleased for you and your DD x

Well done to you for staying so strong and to your amazing DD.

Next month it will be a year since I self harmed. It's a long road.

Thanks so much Nix32. Wow TGoBF well done, good to know there's life after self harm and it can be a good one too. X