School avoidance 12 yr dd with nausea retching etc

[cestlavielife]

Dd 12 has had dizziness and nausea since June missed last half term of school. On and off in summer possibly vestibular neuronitis but not recovered. ENT and paed suggest psych issues. Referred to CAMHS but seems they fighting between hospital based cams and local team where we finally got apps for some family issues (separated moved from fami,y home with dc 2008) contact has been difficult with ex with mh issues and bullying behaviours .

Dd doesn't wish to see dad. So doesn't.

Got her to school a few days; tutor was helpful, send her in once she here she fine .
But since last Friday she is retching, says is more dizzy, pallid, slumped literally can't get her up. Tutor says drag her to school .she needs to be here. The medical reports don't justify her absence because they don't say she is too ill for school. They say lack of recovery may be due to psychological symptoms. But even if psychological her symptoms are "real "

I really don't know how much to push shout scream drag physically or if that is the wrong way ?
Cajoling doesn't work

Threatening " if you don't go you gong to fail the year " just causes more anxiety.(school is not a lea school so not same level of pastoral care or support it would seem....

If can get appt with CAMHS what can they do and what can they write to justify her absence from school ?
If is anxiety (she loves school, no issues it makes no sense... ) then is still "genuine" reason. ?

Don't know what to do really...

I really feel for you and your dd Lovelies. Anxiety is such a complicated thing to deal with and you wonder if you're doing the right thing even with help from the professionals. Sometimes I wonder if the pressure from all these people adds to the problem and yet you need the help to get you through it! It does seem that help for children with anxiety is a bit of a lottery to the area where you live. We were lucky enough to get help and support from our doctor, CAMHS, home tutoring and school but without this sounding ungrateful it's not always been the right person giving that support which can have a negative effect on the child and subsequently sending the child into a deeper state of anxiety. This seems to have happened in our case. My dd responds to someone gentle and understanding rather than someone "pushy" and yet she needs someone confident to get her to overcome her fears. Very confusing! All I can say is take it in "very" small steps and don't force her to do anything it will only make her worse. Try taking her to school reception and sitting there for a while and then go home, then when she gets used to doing that see what she feels comfortable with. Hope you get things sorted. If you need to talk at any time I will keep an eye on this thread.

Thank you very much happy, I understand what you mean, dd has a real anxiety about letting people down, so if somebody from school even looks disappointed in her she has an instant fear of them, I am just going to try another couple of terms and then may home educate although she would have no reason to go out at all then, so it's really hard to know what to do.just hope cahms will take her on this time, unfortunately she cannot stand the school counsellor but thats the only time she will go into school now,so about 2 hrs last week in school, sooo glad its the hols coming up.I will have my dd back then iyswim, will also keep checking in, if you need a shoulder!

Thank goodness the holidays are her! We get our anxious children back for a few weeks. After 15 months of an emotional roller coaster we finally have some hope for our dd. She has been given a place at a small unit set up by our council for teenagers with anxiety. It's an ideal environment for her to learn 5 core subjects, have group therapy sessions and go out and about to gain confidence. It all seems too good to be true after all we've been through. The only down side is that socially it's very limiting and my dd is finding it very difficult to keep in touch with her school friends. However, we feel a huge weight lifted from our shoulders as without this I really don't know what my dd prospects would have been. The more effort we were putting in over the past couple of months the more my dd was pushing back and resenting school and her therapy sessions. She was drifting into a deeper depression and it was all very worrying. She has already paid a visit and I'm not saying we aren't going to have some wobbles before she gets some confidence back but she seemed happy at the idea of starting there in September. Although I'm still nervous that the same thing could happen here and she refuses to go, but I'm hoping that she realises this is a good chance to restart her life in a small, friendly environment with people who understand and care. We have been so lucky and I really feel for anyone out there who isn't able to get the same care we have. Happy holidays.

That is so good to hear, so pleased your dd is feeling more positive about the idea of going back to her education, we now have a cahms appt, after pleading for help.The woman sounded shocked that I was so delighted that dd had been accepted, but I feel that somebody is actually listening now, I don't know how it will go of course but at least things are pushing forward now.Happy holidays to you too.

*camhs

That's really good news lovelies, you will both need all the help and support you can get. I hope you and your dd have a relaxing holiday.

Hi happystreet, quick update! Had our camhs appt today and they have agreed to help us, we could be entitled to 5 hours home tuition a week, which sounds zilch, but is better than nothing.Also dd will be starting some cbt so things are looking up at last.hope your dd is enjoying her hols, and still looking forward to her new school.

Hi Lovelies. That's great news. I hope your dd starts to feel less anxious now the pressure's off and the CBT will hopefully help her understand her anxiety and overcome it slowly. I'm interested to see how you get on so please keep in touch. It's been great the last six weeks not having to think about anxiety. Now the holiday is coming to an end I can feel the pressure returning. My dd is becoming anxious of her new start in September and the prospect of her anxiety and all that comes with it returning. I'm SO worried about her education. This is such a good opportunity for her but if she doesn't feel able to even get there again she is going down a very slippery slope and she won't get any qualifications which is unbelievable when she's so bright and such a lovely girl. Anyway keeping everything crossed again that all goes well and we can start a new, positive chapter.

Hi happy thanks for the reply, dd also getting nervous, I cant even say the word school aloud at the moment, or she gives me a very loud sshhhhh.of course I will keep in touch,sending my very best to you both.please let me know how she gets on.

Sorry but I'm in need of a rant. After 4 "anxiety" free weeks I can feel the tension building again. My dd has been in one of those frustrating moods again where she wont speak, come out of her room and looks depressed.
Not sure what to say or do. Carrying on as if everything is normal but can feel my stress levels rising already!

Yep exactly the same this end.dd is currently downstairs with her resilience worker(who she has actually bonded with), who has just informed me that as dd will now be seeing camhs, she (rw)wont be coming back to see dd.my stomach is now in knots for the first time in ages, and dd is no longer speaking.what can we do?im so sorry this is going on.do you have any idea if dd is going to try her new school, are you able to go with her for the first day? Oh and feel free to rant anytime, I just did didnt I? Sorry prob the last thing you want to hear me going on!!

It's great to have someone to rant with and I know exactly what you're going through. My dd got on so well with her original psychotherapist from CAMH'S but she left. She doesn't "bond" at all well with her present one, she wont open up at the sessions and comes out in tears. It's a nightmare and only seems to be making the situation worse. I don't want to put you off though as you definitely need their help and support and I'm sure your dd will be OK. My dd said she needs time to get settled in as she's very nervous and is worried that people are expecting her just to go and manage full days straight away. So no I don't think initially she is going to get there (nightmare). She can't understand why I get so tense and "shouty" as she puts it after 18 months!!! And yet if I try and reason with her she goes into a deep depression. I just don't know how I'm supposed to react. Whatever I say to try and help she twists to suit her, which is infuriating. I'm trying to back off and think it doesn't matter but it's always a weight on your shoulders. Sorry it seems so negative. I live in hope that at some point in the next couple of months there is some light at the end of a very stressful tunnel.

Is there any way your dd could start off going in for any length of time?even if 5 minutes?I have made a deal with myself that I am not going to freak out about it any more, but thats easy to say with 6 days of hols left.it just seems to be a life of appointments, schools, counsellers, teachers and none of them communicate with each other!!school counseller is hopeless and puts the pressure on when I have told her that makes dd worse, she gave her loads to do over the hols, my dd wont even go out, and she wants her to go to the local shop, and talk to someone new every day, yep thats going to happen.dont worry you wont put me off, you never know we both may be much happier in a few weeks, fingers crossed.here whenever you need a good shout.

Can I join in here? We have a very similar situation with my 12yo DD who hasn't been in school much since mid-Nov 2012. We were referred to CAMHS in Jan and eventually started seeing a psychologist at the end of June. The stress with school has been awful, and I am dreading next week. It's been so nice not having to worry about it over the summer holidays. Dd started on fluoxetine 2 weeks ago so hoping things will start to change soon.

Hi blessthismess, so sorry you are going through this, have you got a plan in place for next week?as you can see, you are not alone.

Not much of a plan, except take her in ( she goes to the Student Support Centre in the school) and see what we can get her to agree to do. Sometimes she will walk up to SSC and come right back, sometimes she will stay 5 or 10 or 30 mins, sometimes we can't get her to leave Reception. Wondering what difference the medication will make.

Sounds like my dd, the amount of times I have sat in reception with her I couldnt count, I have no idea about medication as we arent that far along,I really hope they help your dd.Its so hard, isnt it? Hope you dont mind me asking bless but has seeing a psychologist helped at all? Just asking as we are waiting to see one at the moment through camhs.

I know what you mean Lovelies about going here, there and everywhere. It's exhausting fitting everything around your normal life. We're very lucky now everything is based within her new school environment. I've had a calm conversation with my dd and like you say Lovelies she will take it in small steps at first until the anxiety has calmed down and then increase her time as she feels more confident and I'm going to have to accept this (which is easy when things are going well!). It makes me wonder if the number of people involved in the beginning stages of anxiety and all the talking and pushing makes the poor child worse. When I listen to my dd talk she makes more sense sometimes than the therapist! We have gone through so many plans of steps. Initially if she had "bonded" with her home tutor I think she may have got back into school as she was so positive and wanted to be there. In our experience the relationship between child, home tutor and therapist is vital for a positive result. We haven't gone down the medication route. I think my dd needs to work out how to control her anxiety for her to get on with her life just in case it comes back somewhere down the line. For some reason I don't like the idea of her taking pills at such an early age. Anxiety is so complicated but it's good to have someone to talk to. Good luck to you both. At least you know you're not alone.X

Ah what a good girl, you must be so pleased that she has talked to you, thats half the problem isnt it, when they just "shut down".I do worry terribly about my dd's future, and as you say I just want her to learn how to control the anxiety which in her mind had destroyed her life.i feel at fault sometimes as I used to pressure her so much as I didnt realize how awful it was for her in those first stages, I honestly thought she was being a difficuilt pre-teen, its not so much a learning curve as a learning mountain!!always here too, take care x

The psychologist has been really good, lovelies. She has established a really good relationship with my DD and although DD hasn't spoken to the psych, she feels comfortable with her and likes her which is a massive win! She has set goals for the therapy and the next step is to break down the goals into manageable small steps. I wouldn't have wanted to use medication ideally but DD cannot talk to anybody outside our immediate family me, her dad and her sister) plus a couple of friends her age. She even has stopped talking to my Dad who she used to be completely comfortable with. She has suffered with this since the age of 4 and we have exhausted every other path.

I really feel for you Bless. Things must be really difficult for you all to have had to deal with this for so long. My dd started with it when she was 10 and that was bad enough! I know medication works for some and I can totally understand why you have gone down that route after so long. I will be interested to see if it helps your dd so keep in touch. My dd stopped talking and seeing her grandparents and some of her immediate family last year but she seems to have overcome her fear of seeing them now which is a great relief. It was such a strain on family life and caused SO much upset. We have therapy today and I know my dd is dreading it. I just hope she comes away feeling positive which will set her up well for when she starts her new school next week. Crossing everything again. Bye for now.

Hello again. I wrote on this thread some time ago and was surprised today to see it ongoing. I have still got the exact same problems as all of you with my dd now 14 years. Has struggled with getting into class since oct 2011. Not really had much education in all that time. We have applied to small school for kids who cannot get into school for whatever reason but school is so small not sure if she will get in as there is a waiting list! We have helped build up her confidence again and she has been successful with some out of school voluntary work but friends are now few. Wilts reading your messages I thought it would be good if the 4 girls could communicate with each other. Not sure of your dd ages or if they would be up for this but I thing they could benefit from it if they gave it a try although it may be slow to take off. Anyone have any thoughts on this. My do has no one to talk to about her anxiety except me. She has also been depressed for obvious reasons but the help we have sought has not really been any good. I'm not sure where I go from here.

The return to school has gone better than I expected. She delayed like mad on Weds morning but wasn't in tears or refusing to get up. DH took her up to school at about 11am and then followed about 20 mins negotiation in reception about what she would or wouldn't do, with DD mostly in 'freeze' mode. At the beginning of break a friend came and met her and in the end she agreed to go up to Student Support to spend break time with her friends, and then see whether she felt comfortable staying to do any work. She stayed about an hour :-)

Today she went in without any fuss (though late again) and stayed an hour, and said it was ok.

Tomorrow morning we have a meeting with psychologist, SENCO, and speech therapist to make plans.

Once bubbly, I will ask my DD what she thinks about being in touch with others who feel the same way. She is 12.

Well done your DD Bless! Hope she continues with these steps as it's something she can build on and gain confidence from. Just don't be disappointed if she has a "blip". I really hope this is a turning point for you. My DD starts next Tuesday and I must say she is really positive and the happiest I've seen her in ages at the moment.

Once Bubbly, my dd is 15 and has lost most of her friends through anxiety. At the moment though she is gearing herself up to going to her new school so when she has settled in I will ask what she thinks about communicating with your dd.