DD self harming and suicidal

[Jux]

She's 12. The school have just phoned and want her referred to a counsellor. Her school counsellor told her this last week and she absolutely refused. I tried to talk to her about it, but she was resolute.

She's had counselling before, a couple of years ago when everyone was dying; she was referred to CAMHS urgently that Xmas, but they wanted to do family therapy and after the initial sessions DH refused to do any more as he found it too traumatic for himself and didn't see how going over his own childhood traumas would help dd, who at 10 yo was struggling with multiple bereavements.

How can I force her to go to counselling if she won't? Oh, I know no one can help, but thanks for reading.

She's a great little seamstress, and has lace-making lessons on a Saturday - just starting up after Xmas. She loves swimming and dh has agreed to take her this evening; it's quite a long walk there and back and she's contending with an undx problem with her hip atm (appt at hospital on Monday. DH thinks she's swinging the lead, but I'm not sure.).

She spends quite a lot of time on the computer, probably too much, but seems to play reruns of Dr Who while playing things on Armor Games. It seems pretty innocent to me. The computer has a big screen and it's in the sitting room so I can see waht she's doing without really having to look.

"I believe that if you make issues into great big ones, they can reinforce the behaviour and make it into something more serious." Exactly what I worry about, wahwahwah!

Also, the acknowledgement thing when she says she's suicidal. I do that, but without the distraction afterwards. I shall certainly do that in future.

Haven't managed to find out anything about dogwalking or similar, but we have a friend who is very invovled int he church and I will talk to her in a couple of days.

jomal, she helps out at holiday club and really enjoys it. I'll see what else there is around. That'll be one for my churchy-friend.

Definitely want to push the survivor side of things.

Thank you so much wahwahwah, and all of you. I have found it so hard to concentrate on anything or get much done, but I'm now getting to grips with things. DD has calmed, and though school annoys her, she is not verging on hysteria when she gets home.

Fabulous advice and insight on this thread. Thank you again.

My personal experience - I self-harmed as a teenager, one night I kind of broke down, 'let' my family see the damage...they just sent me back to bed, and didn't talk about it again.

I had one appointment with a counsellor who listened to me waffle on for an hour, then looked at her watch and said 'OK, bye for now' (paraphrasing, but she didn't speak to me/help at all).

Long term I think the important thing is she knows you ackowledge her feelings, that you are always there to listen to her, that she can rely on you.

Counselling can be a bit meh, it may take you more than one try to find the right counsellor/counselling system.

FWIW I know several girls in my school self-harmed, anorexia/bullimia was also epidemic, it was a very high-achieving school, lots of pressure. Does your DD feel a bit overwhelmed in this regard? I wouldn't have been able to verbalise this as a teen but looking back I think it explained a lot about the psychological problems of my peer group.

My first flowers, i dont know what to say (its just like the old Impulse advert!). Thank you!

I like the sound of the lacemaking. I am wondering if she would like to knit too? There are always charities looking for knitters for blankets etc, and that would give her a target and a really good sense of well being. Is there a swimming team or club she could join?

Distraction is another therapist trick - you plant the seed of an idea then get off the topic to let it sink in!

Maybe the vicar could announce at church that she is looking to earn some pocket money by dog walking. I am sure there will be some nice folk there who would be happy to take her up.

Oh yes, she does knit too! The church people will know which is the best charity for that.

I don't know the vicar well (I'm not a church goer) but I do know a few of the congregation. DD makes friends with all the old ladies there - after lace-making she goes to the church coffee morning and chats to them. I keep getting hellos from old ladies in the street who have tea with dd on a Saturday!

I hadn't forgotten how much of a resource the church could be, tbh, which was silly as I was dragged up Catholic and sang in the church choir until I was over 30, and involved in all sorts of things as a result. I'll be passing dd's church tomorrow....

Tamoo, thank you for telling me about your experience, and I'm so sorry, too.

I don't think she's overwhelmed by school though. It is a good state school, doing well in the league tables and they are (obviously) pretty serious about their duty of care. It's not like we're faced with teachers and other staff lacking morale and loss of drive. BUT she is not under enormous pressure to achieve as she retains her position in the top sets with the minimum of effort, and enjoys her lessons (except Maths, which she thinks she can't do, but can still hang out about halfway up in the top set).

I do think it is a simple matter of too many people dying when she was too young to handle it emotionally and when something upsets her it all comes crashing back. I really do think this was triggered by the family traumas over Xmas, exacerbated by teenage hormones and a heavy period (I'm not diminishing the importance of those last two, don't think that).

Tamoo, if this isn't a rude question - and I do understand if you don't want to answer - but how long did you do it for? How did you stop? Are you ever tempted to do it now? PM me if you want to keep it off-board.

I don't have any advice really but wanted to say that you sound like a lovely mum. It is great that your DD can trust you with her feelings and self-harm and that you react so well. I say this as someone who was also self-harming at 13. I didn't tell my mum because I knew she wouldn't react well. She knew about it though and I believe she was told by other people and she was not helpful. Your DD is very lucky to have you, and I really hope things are better for her, you and all your extended family soon. You have all obviouslybeen through a lot in the past few years.

DD got in a crowd in her 2nd and 3rd years at school who thought that self-harming was 'cool'. Great. The preferred method is to score the fore-arm with the point of a compass so that it bleeds under the skin, and then, by pressing on both side of the skin, open the cut. She hasn't done that for a bit.

Unfortunately, from time to time she barricades herself in the kitchen and makes use of the kitchen knives in the block However, this year 4th year, and last year before she goes to lycée, they have mixed up all the classes, so she isn't with the same group at all.

Hopefully, this is something that, with the appropriate help, your dd will grow out of, after she is able to cope better with the bereavements.