Has anyone moved a very elderly (and slightly confused) relative to be nearer to you?

[Miaou]

It's something I'm discussing with my family atm (though we haven't as yet approached my granny). She is 90 this month and lives in her own home, but needs an increasing amount of care. The only relatives who live near her are my brothers, who both work F/T and have young families. She has fallen a couple of times recently and needed hospital admission. She does get muddled but she is in good health generally. She makes her own meals and does her own washing but has helpers in most days to clean etc for her.

Both my parents and I live about 350 miles away and cannot do much for her becaue of the distance. Her son (my uncle) lives 30 miles from her and so is not able to check up on her on a daily basis. It is falling to my brothers to do more and I don't feel this is either fair or practical.

Dh and live in a decent sized terrace house, with an empty one (in good condition) next door. We would love to have my gran move up here to live next door to us, so that we can take care of her as her needs (inevitably) increase. Dh doesn't work so can help me by taking care of our house/family whilst I look after my gran.

My mum and dad were initially very enthusiastic about the idea, but my uncle isn't keen. He thinks the move will be too stressful for her and would finish her off. He thinks that the help she has coming in is sufficient, can be increased, and by the time she needs constant care (if we get to that stage) then she will probably be too muddled to know what's going on anyway and they can move her into a home without any problems. I think this is naive and simplistic - what if she ends up physically in need of care but mentally is still alert - moving her at this point would be incredibly distressing. From being supportive at first my parents have now backed off from the idea - basically because it means they don't have to make a decision

There are lots more positive reasons as to why moving up to us would be beneficial but I think I've gone on enough for now . It's been cathartic writing it down though. If you have any thoughts on the situation I'd be really grateful for your input.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for finding that mb! Yes, she will almost certainly get no help with care then. I don't know how much money she has but I know she paid for private care for her DIL when she was dying of cancer and she told me it was a not insubstantial five figure sum.

At this point I don't think that's a problem for her. My uncle handles her financial affairs (very well, it was his job before he retired) and I'm sure he will have got all that in hand.

That said, here are dh and I offering to do all that for free !

This site is helpful on attendance allowance, which is not means-tested, and I think can be up to £80 pw.

We were in the process of getting this for FIL when he died - he had had a fall and we were looking into the question of whether he could be looked after at home or whether he needed to be in a home, when he died.

I know you are worried about the possibility of your gran falling - but tbh you couldn't really prevent this even if she was next door - FIL was right next to MIL when he fell & broke his femur, he had good care straight away - he still died. I have a similar situation with my dad who will be 97 in April & still lives by himself, over 200 miles away. He is adamant that he doesn't want to come & live with us or move at all - I worry endlessly that he'll have a fall - but tbh I have to accept that it is better for him to be where he wants to be, even if the worst happens.

Well I talked to my parents again this afternoon and they are immovable, which I expected. But at least I told them about my worries and they listened to me. I know I have done what I can (short of moving in with her myself!). And RustyBear - that's just what my dad said to me, re I wouldn't necessarily be able to prevent her falling; it's a risk wherever she is.

And to all you people who said how nice we are to think of it - if you met her you would know why - she is just the most delightful person and I love her dearly and would do anything for her.