My 9 year old son has again come from school crying

[andellewi]

I'm still up at 11.30 because I can't sleep. My son has come from school crying again complaining he has no friends in school and no one to play with. The won't let him join in in football, his old pals say they're playing a game where only 2 are alound so he's left wandering the yard on his own. He says he feels so miserable in school and is only happy when he comes home.
He is teased by a certain boy and when he name calls back he's ganged up on. He use to get pushed and kicked like other boys and found that easier to deal with because he'd just hit back. This is more suttle with him and is damaging his confidence. The teachers tell him to find someone else to play with but this doesn't work.
I've always taught him to treat others as he expects to be treated himself which he does. He came from school crying last week and hasn't done this for years.
What do I do, it sounds like bullying to me. He wants to move schools because he is so miserable. Can anyone give me any advice?

andellwi, I think it was you that noticed the chain of events started by the bullying teacher - not me! Sounds like she singled him out and made him a target for that git who's now undermining him. I feel so furious on your behalf.

Just to clarify, the dad at my dcs' school didn't home-ed - he just moved the kid straight into another school. His son is actually once again in my dd's class now they've all gone to secondary school.

What do you think you'll do?

Andellewi, keep us posted as this could happen to any child and I would like to know the outcome. Re diary it has to be verbatim as much as a 9 year can manage. So you have direct speech used & words used (tell him to say any rude words that the boys calls him and what he says in reply.) Who did want first etc. I use these types of diaries in my job to sort adult and neighbour disputes out. Very useful and people are shocked when their own words are repeated back to them as they original said it ( otherwise they say things like I never said that or I didn't mean that ) Good luck

I think I will ask my son to keep his own diary of his day and if he wants to show it to me that will be fine. I will also draw the matter to the attention of the headmaster who will I'm sure promise to get to the bottom of it. Despite their best efforts to control bullying which is lacking at best, I have no faith in their abilities to tackle verbal bullying which means I'll have to move him but, who's to say that won't be worse. If they can sort it I will leave him there.

My friends son was subjected to terrible bullying at the same school only 12 months ago which affected their lives to an extent that they nearly divorced over the strain. In the end, social workers were involved to moniter their son's behaviour, not the bully!! I don't understand it.

Diaries are also good for children to draw how they feel even if they can't express it in words.

Drawing circles of friends. Try no to be upset by what you read, which of course you might be, just hugs and support and tell him how much you care for him. The do all the ranting when he is out or earshot!

Thanks sillyworry, I understand what you mean about direct speech and words used.

In a similar situation, I wrote to the school, because I believe that they have to keep any such letters that they receive, and it becomes part of the school's record - and OFSTED can ask how they have dealt with written complaints. I think this focusses the school's attention, tbh.

My middle son was bullied both at his junior school and during his first two years at senior school. What made it so hurtful was that at senior school, a lot of the bullying was led by his best friend, who he's known since they were babies. He's now at a different school - because we've moved house, not because we moved him to a different school - and he's settled in very happily, has plenty of friends and has only had one nasty incident, which the school dealt with swiftly and very firmly.

Doesn't Kidscape offer advice on dealing with bullying? Perhaps they might be able to help your ds. I hope things get better for him and send you both a hug - it's so painful for you as a mother too, as I well know.

andellewi - the thing about what happened to your friend's child is awful. It sounds to me (as an outsider) that they are blaming the victim rather than tackling the bully. If you get no joy from the head contact the governors, the LEA and write to ofsted.

My son had this happen at around the same age. The head was good but the problem only really got better when the children were older, about 10.

I actually wish in some ways that I'd moved him earlier (we moved in Year 5 for other reasons).

With a lot of parental support he has got better at dealing with potential bullies, but still tends to get picked on by anyone big, strapping and of a bullying nature. He is quite small. Fortunately for him he is reasonably good at football, which has helped. What is your son good at/what does he like? Outside interests can do a lot to bolster self-confidence.

I would take your son out of school until sorted or look for an alternative school. Unfortunately even if the bullying stops, they cannot force these children to play with your son. If he has no friends, consider a new school where he can make some new, nice ones.

My heart goes out to you and your son. You have to tackle the school and you have to be persistent. My daughter was bullied for 3 years and it was a dreadful time for us.

There's 2 links I want to give you to get help:

1.Go toKidscape
It is a brilliant website, that gives lots of advice, but there is also a free helpline that I used a couple of times when I thought I was going crazy and it was comforting to talk things through with a sympathetic person

1. Have a look at my own article where I summarise what we learned and the strategies you need to adopt when tackling the school. There is also a link to a diary I kept for a few months, on the advice of Kidscape.

I can understand why you may be considering moving your son to another school, but if the problem is not resolved then it could follow your son and start up again elsewhere.

I hope the links I have given you help.

I don't condone violence normally, but I have just name-changed to post about a bullying incident I experienced, and my heart goes out to your ds. I would want to rip the hell out of any bullies who targeted my ds. They are - by and large - inadequate cowards who are not worth bothering with - but that doesn't help when you are 9 and lonely

I am glad your ds feels able to tell you, I could never tell anyone and suffered in silence for years.

TBH a change of school may do a lot of good. A fresh start and all that - a boost to his confidence.

I was always called ugly at school and often see the bullies around, and think 'who's the ugly one now then?' Awful thing to think I know, not that I would express this out loud, but they asked for it.