Parent making complaints about my DC

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

I posted a thread on secondary school but see I was in the wrong place and hoping for some more helpful tips.

My DC started secondary school with a few of his peers from a small village school. The new school is huge and the DC were put into classes with some of their old peers. My DC hit the ground running and expanded his friendships and loves the new independence etc. He is doing really well. One of his previous school friends is not having a great time with the transition to secondary and is taking it out on my DS. He has been going home to his parents and saying my DS has made comments or given him a look and the parents have made a number of complaints about my DS. In the school's words "they made so many complaints they had to do something about it". They moved my DC away from the DC and have had a few meetings with him where they have disciplined him.

Apparently, my DC has made 3 comments to him over the course of a year when they are in the same class, working together. The comments are things like "get a grip", "for god's sake" and things like that. The most recent discipline was when my DS apparently laughed at him. I ask you if your tween DS was sitting next to someone for a year and travelling to and from school on the bus with him for 30 mins, and made 3 comments like this and gave 1 laugh at something stupid he did, do you really think this is a bullying issue? Just to repeat, it is 4 things in total over 1 year. The parent has even confirmed that it is 4 things over this time. I am not minimising.

So, from what I understand from the FT, they do not think my DC is a bully and they are quite at a loss to explain it. The other parent seems to have it in for my DS and is constantly emailing the school about him. I actually think this is a deflection from the real problem, which is that their own DC needs help and he has received poor parenting, which is what we all witnessed in our previous school.

I now think this parent needs to be told to stop, or I need to do something about this as a parent myself as I think my DC is being bullied.

WWYD about this?

NoSquirrels, sorry if I am confusing you.

The parents complained about the 3 comments back in early Sept. I got a call from the school about it and I dealt with it and they told him off.

Then at the end of term, in Dec my DS came home and told me he had been taken out of class to a meeting and told complaints had been made against him again WRT the 3 comments and him smirking. I think the new "smirking" accusation triggered this. A few days ago I spoke with my form teacher because my DS is anxious about going back and this continuing and she confirmed this had happened.

Squirrels, it is very confusing. I am not sure if I said upthread but my FormT actually told me that they had to do something as the parents were complaining so much. I think they called my DS out and told him off so they can go back to the parents and say they have spoken to him, to placate them. This is what I am really annoyed at. I don't think it is fair.

A few days ago I spoke with my form teacher because my DS is anxious about going back and this continuing and she confirmed this had happened.

OK, then in that case I would a) tell your DS you have spoken to school, that his FT is well aware of the situation and supports him as his behaviour has been good, and he should not worry. But if he has any issues with the other DC, he must go to his FT immediately.

Then I would put in writing in an email to FT and HoY/Pastoral that, as discussed with FT, your DS is feeling anxious at the prospect of being singled out by Problem Child when his behaviour has not been an issue - that the meeting in December where he was accused of incidents already dealt with in September has triggered this anxiety as he is adamant he has been keeping out of Problem Child’s way since the earlier warning. I would state that you have reassured DS that the matter is entirely dealt with and do not expect that there will be any further issues because your DS will not be interacting with Problem Child. And that if there is any further issue you want to be made aware immediately as you are concerned that your DS is at risk of being harassed rather than the other way around.

Leave the parents’ behaviour out of it. Leave the Problem Child’s behaviour out of it. But state clearly to school that you expect your DS to be tested fairly and for you to be involved in any further incidents they feel need investigation. This is dressed up in “working with the school” but really is defending your DS.

Thank you Squirrels. I appreciate that. This is what I will do.

I think schools are a bit too easy to blame a DC regarding “complaints” and so called bullying. They are scared of some parents.

My DD1 suffered from a mum ringing the school (Deputy head) and complaining about her. Thankfully the DH spoke to teachers and other DC and the girl who complained to her mum about my DD was lying. It suited her to blow up any perceived slight. All context needs to be considered by a school. It’s rarely 100% black and white. Some DC do know how to whip up a head of steam and know that their parents will wade in on their behalf. It gives them power in a situation where they feel powerless.

DC have to learn that life moves on regarding friendships. No doubt the child from the village feels left behind.

I would ask if you can actually speak to the head of pastoral care. A DC (yours) is actually being targeted. Even if he was a bit in the wrong, the situation has to be put to bed. For the sake of everyone. He also has to feel comfortable at school. My view is that there should be a “clear the air” meeting with the head of pastoral care. You should also read their anti bullying policy. Most bullying policies define bullying as sustained behaviour. Not three comments months ago. That is not sustained bullying. That’s why a meeting should be used. The school should explain what bullying is, what behaviour they expect and that DC can choose friends. They are not joined in any way and your DC needs to be allowed to move on. I would fight for him to be allowed to do that.

I don’t believe you or your DC.

We had an issue with a child calling my physically different son names and encouraging others to do so too but trying to reverse it as bullying when my son made comments back in a misguided attempt to defend himself. Thankfully my sons teachers were more on the ball.

The apple rarely falls far from the tree. Why are you defending your sons condescending behaviour and trying to excuse it rather than getting him to leave the other kid alone/help him be more empathetic and see what in that boys life might make him more “in need of a grip”?

I also think that when an accusation has been made, the child should have the right to give their side of the story. If they had asked him, they would have seen that actually there are 2 sides to this. Not once has my DS been asked.

TBH I don't think the school knows what it is doing.

Why are you defending your sons condescending behaviour

I'm not. He was reprimanded by both me and the school and he hasn't done it again since. These comments were made last summer.

@Physicaldifference

I don’t believe you or your DC.

We had an issue with a child calling my physically different son names and encouraging others to do so too but trying to reverse it as bullying when my son made comments back in a misguided attempt to defend himself. Thankfully my sons teachers were more on the ball.

The apple rarely falls far from the tree. Why are you defending your sons condescending behaviour and trying to excuse it rather than getting him to leave the other kid alone/help him be more empathetic and see what in that boys life might make him more “in need of a grip”?

bit of projection there!

For what it’s worth we had a similar situation in year 8 where a girl just took against dd, accused her of all sorts but was actually quite violent towards dd too. Scratches down her back playing basketball, pushing etc. I spoke to the ft at parents evening, they had no doubt my dd had done nothing and was being targeted but they didn’t know why, but it was difficult for the school as we made no bullying accusations but they did. Summer term was awful, but by September everyone had moved on.

Best advice, stay out of his way as much as possible, it gets easier when they all take different languages and are in different sets for subjects. You have my sympathy.

There are always two sides to a story but that doesn't mean that both sides are equal or should be given equal credence.
From what you've posted, it sounds as though the FT spoke out of turn. They should not have said that your DS was only given into trouble to placate other parents. The FT was trying to placate you. Schools need to be braver when it comes to bullying. No parents should be being placated.
If you feel you must continue this then go above the FT's head and tell the HOY or HT what you feel the FT said about placating other parents. I have a funny feeling that the HOY / HT will say the FT was incorrect and unprofessional and that your DS was in trouble because he misbehaved. Your DS needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and you need to help him do that. They wouldn't have anything to complain about if your DS hadn't been mean in the first place.

but it was difficult for the school as we made no bullying accusations but they did

This is the issue I have got. I have not commented on the boys behaviour disrupting the class or any comments he has made to my DS because my DS didn't want me to. Apparently being a dobber in year 7 is a massive no-no. Plus, my DS is pretty resilient as he has 2 older brothers to deal with.

Are these the 3 comments in a year THAT YOU ARE AWARE OF? I think it very unlikely that your child has owned up to the only 3 incidents of bullying. In my experience there will have been many more that they have not been caught out on or owned up to. I think YOU are the one deflecting and putting the blame on the victim. You need to sort your child out so they are not making anyone else's school life a misery.

Are these the 3 comments in a year THAT YOU ARE AWARE OF?

No, my DS was told these 3 comments. I then confirmed with the Pastoral Head that it was just these 3 and they said yes. There are no other comments, just a smirk. Despite being depicted as a person who is in denial here, I have actually gone out of my way to make sure I had all the facts before shooting my mouth off so I didn't look an idiot if there were other things. Believe it or not, if I thought he was a horrible bully, he'd be in serious trouble.

You just need to focus on your DS and his treatment by school.

In your view, your DS has been unfairly treated because the incidents already dealt with in September were then revisited with no basis in December, causing him anxiety. The FT has agreed that he has not been a problem and so the December treatment was not proportional in your opinion.

The school may have a different opinion, your DS may not be telling the whole truth, the other boy may be troubled, the other boy’s parents may be vexatious - it could be a complex mix of many things. But you can’t deal with any of that - you can just support your DS by advocating with school on his behalf.

You need to stand up for your DS as you are doing here. Posters are rushing to project your DS as the sinner but frankly none of this stuff is worth much angst or time. The school
Needs to convene a meeting and get DC to get over it. Shut up and move on. A confident school would have seen this was attention seeking and just kids moving on. Having new friends is what happens. It’s just a couple of mean comments months ago. It’s not bullying and it’s no massive deal.

I would definitely ask for a high level meeting to get these parents off your back. If it doesn’t get resolved, get DC out. This could carry on for years if no one sees sense. It also sounds from close relationships at village schools and clinging on at secondary. A few comments months ago should not have any impact now. If the school has investigated and more comes to light, eat humble pie. If not, insist a line in the sand is drawn. Ensure DS stays away from the other DC. I’m sure he won’t need telling twice!

Sounds? Comes from close relationships etc.

Mountain and molehill spring to mind.

I would be inclined to say to your DS to keep away from said boy and then he will probably be accused of excluding.

Honestly, do some parents not think that running into school at the slightest upset makes the matter ten times worse.

It probably annoys other boy that your son has made lots of new friends and is settled and he hasn’t. No-one’s fault.

Fwiw my sons bully had a mother who tried to justify his behaviour by saying well he is a bit weird what do you expect my son to do? He is a lovely boy but his long hair is a bit attention seeking isnt it? No wonder my son called him gay he is hardly the most athletic and we all know about his sister! (she is a lesbian) whats most horrible is she works at the school and they were apprehensive about disciplining her son because of it the day he got suspended was fantastic 👏

It sounds like your on the ball with this but make it clear to the school you consider the matter closed unless there are new incidents you don't expect your child to be punished any further

And fucking smirking is subjective

It sounds like your son is a bit of a smartarse OP. Telling the child to get a grip and the smirking. Is it possible that whilst he might not be deliberately upsetting this other child, that he can sometimes come across like that?
Obviously this other kid is really struggling and whilst he's not dealing with it in the right way, lots of kids don't because they don't know how. Was he more hurt than he's let on about your son pulling back from him?

That's not defending his behaviour btw and I agree you need to focus on your son but it's worth thinking about.

You cannot force friendships that have tun their course! Since when is saying “get a grip” bullying or worthy of comment? It’s simply something that happens in every day life. There was no reported swearing, name calling or anything on a sustained basis. Some DC don’t gel with others. It happens. No DC is obliged to be “inclusive” in their friendships. DC are obliged not to be rude or break school rules. I think choosing your friends isn’t breaking school rules. Neither is it a rule that other DC have to be included due to being at the same primary school. So “get a grip” is about right. How anyone can run an effective school with all this going on wasting time beggars belief.

You need to arrange a meeting with the form teacher and head of year.
They owe a duty of care to each pupils well-being whether they are a bully or a saint.
You need to go with an open mind in case you get new or different info and say that you are concerned about your sons well being.
You need to say that the 2 dc won’t be the first or the last that have come up from a small village school and then one has made new friendship groups and settled in and the other hasn’t.

You need to say that you and your son seem to think he is being repeatedly used as a scapegoat for the other boy and now it’s affecting your sons well being.
Explain that you accept there have been issues where your dc was unkind to this boy some months ago but as far as you are aware he was punished in school and at home. Ask them to confirm this.
You were told there has been one smirk since however according to your son the previously dealt with incidents were also raised again.
Ask if this is true?
Ask if they think this is fair on your son to continue to make him responsible for the other child ?
Tell them that if your son is a bully then you need to know if he is they will have records of incidents and as long as the other children aren’t identified they should be able to share at least the general details. If they can prove it then you need to engage with them to work with them to stop it.

However make it clear you also will not stand for any suggestion of your child being unfairly treated.
Then listen to what they say to you. Be prepared to find out your child MAY be hiding the truth or part of it from you, and genuinely be willing to work with them to resolve it.
However it may be that it’s a case of the squeaky wheels getting the oil and it’s easier for them to take the other boys parents issues at face value.
If that is the case then you need to become a squeaky wheel yourself and make it perfectly clear that this needs to stop. So what are they going to do about it? What about their duty to your sons well being?

Even if it turns out it’s your child or 50/50 they still need to put some changes in place and I would suggest that you insist that any previous issues are dealt with and are not to be referred to again, new issues are to be brought to your attention and fully investigated before any action taken. Also going forward one or other of the boys move classes or forms so they dont share more than the absolute minimum time together, preferably none at all.
Find out if there are activities and groups taking place at break or lunchtimes that your son can participate in away from this boy. Out of school you need to ensure they keep away from each other and don’t spend any time together.

Make some notes in advance of what you need to say and follow up with an email confirming any agreed actions

I think it also depends on perception. We have had a few issues with friendships. I exploded at my DD after receiving a call about how awful she had been to another child. She swore blind she hadn't done what was said, I told her I wouldn't accept any nastiness. Then I ran into the child in question and asked how she was. I was shouted at and told that ‘everyone’ had left her to walk home on her own and she's not supposed to. I was outraged that my DD was yet again involved until I found that the group in question hadn't left her. They had gotten talking at school and she didn't want to wait. This was one of many incidents and now I'm left questioning the accuracy of the previous accusations. My DD is not perfect by a long shot but I also think that perception is a real issue.

Why are other children used as childminders to walk a child home? It’s not their responsibility or their job. If parents cannot trust a child to walk home they need to put measures in place to ensure their child is accompanied by a responsible individual. Why would anyone ever get involved in this dialogue?