I've come to the horrible realisation that dd is being bullied, please help

[Dancergirl]

And I feel terrible for not intervening earlier.

Dd is in Year 6 so not long left at primary. There is a boy in her class who seems to take delight in mocking her, making nasty and belittling comments, laughing at the way she runs and so on. This probably happens about 2 or 3 times a week and has been going on a long time.

I can see how this is affecting dd and however many times you can reassure her that he's a nasty boy and his comments don't count for anything, I can see her confidence and self esteem being eroded

The immediate problem is their residential trip which starts tomorrow. Dd and this boy are in the same group and she's dreading it. She made a last minute decision to go on the trip and I'm proud of her for doing that but any comments from this boy will just crush her. Apparently the class teacher has said there won't be moving between groups beforehand but if when they get there things aren't working, he might move people then. But I'm going to go in tomorrow morning and ask for dd to change groups. Dd is very close to pulling out of the trip. I'm worried about it as parents can't contact their child so I won't know if she's having a terrible time.

On a more general note, I want to put in a formal complaint about the bullying. So I assume a letter to the class teacher or the head? I have only mentioned things casually to the class teacher in the past. But the head has told me that there have been problems with this boy before. Do I ask about the history and what was done then and what they plan to do now?

Of course the other option will be to pull her out and home ed her until the end of the year. Dh is reluctant to do this as he thinks it gives her the wrong message, ie run away from your problems. Also dd would miss all the fun stuff of the final term.

I'm an easy parent and don't generally complain to the school about minor matters but something has changed in me and I am now extremely angry. I just want to protect my child from further upset, what's the best way to do this?

I would email the school/head/admin today (copy in everyone giving a paper copy to the teacher so they are all aware first thing Monday) and tell the head you are very close to pulling DD out and home educating her because of the constant bullying by x. Explain her confidence has been eroded by multiple comments each week. Explain you have talked to the teacher previously and the issue sadly hasn't been resolved. Explain you are very concerned about DD going on the residential and are on the verge of withdrawing her from the trip. Explain she will be very unhappy and will quietly suffer if she is in the same group as the boy. Ask what they will do to resolve the situation before lunchtime? Tell them you will be ringing/visiting the school at x time to discuss the matter and please can they have someone available to discuss the issue - or can they suggest a more suitable time during the morning?

On a separate note, if you were to home educate I would see it as empowering and showing your DD that she doesn't have to accept bad treatment.

However you haven't given the school ample opportunity to resolve the issue. With you being so laid back, your DD has has just had to put up with poor treatment. You need to formalise complaints and leave a paper trail. Email is your friend.

It has to go above the teacher. Approaching the teacher has failed previously. Email the head and give a paper copy of a formal letter to the teacher. You will force the teachers hand that way. The teacher will have to be seen to take action and is less likely to fob you off. The head will want to know what action is being taken to resolve things.

My DD yr 4 has been tormented by girls supposedly her friends for a while now, her behaviour at home has been affected so we've decided to home ed her. It's bliss knowing we don't have to go there again.

I think the problem is that you haven't raised it with the school before, so it's a bit unfortunate that it's all come to a head with this trip. The teacher's response in the circumstances-"I'll keep an eye and more her if necessary" is reasonable. Obviously if he knew the history it wouldn't be, but he doesn't. And presumably it's not just a matter of moving your dd- somebody else would have to move out of another group to make room for her, which could potentially be horrible for that person. IYSWIM.
Do you know the grown up who's taking responsibility for dd's group? Could you talk to her? And remember that the groups will presumably only be for activities- in the evenings she can be with her friends, and she won't be sharing a bedroom with him.

When she gets back you need to make an appointment with the teacher ASAP and discuss the next 12 weeks. If necessary. Things are often shaken up by residential trips and she might feel differently when she gets back.

As you have not raised it with the school before I dont' think you can go in all guns blazing just yet ;)

I think you should make the teacher aware that this has been going on and how it has made your dd feel. (if you have teacher's school email address then email now, this morning)
Then, I should tomorrow morning ensure that the leader of the group both dd and the boy are in knows what is going on and ask him/her to keep an eye.
If groups can't be changed immediately, don't fret. The group leader will be able to see what is going on between the boy and your dd and step in immediately. I too suspect the boy fancies her and this is his (wrong, stupid) way of showing her (parent of Year 6 dd and former Year 6 TA)

Also, a small part of my has to ask why dd has not flagged this up with the teacher before. We always tell our students that any comment they received which upsets them can be told to us, or written down and placed in the worry box) And by Year 6 we do encourage them to take initiative in this.

I would not go down the mobile phone route. I would trust the school to deal with it.

Whilst what is happening to your dd is not nice, you need to play this down (at least to her, not with the school) so she learns to handle these situations in a strong way and can stand up for herself. So tell her to speak to the teacher in charge of her group / trip leader / head of yeargroup / any adults on the trip as soon as the boy says something unkind.

I think that will be far more effective then encouraging her to ring you. If she needs to offload, get her to talk to her friends. Who can then go with her to see the group leader or teacher whilst on the trip.
You will be far away, whilst you can be sympathetic you cannot actually do anything. She needs to seek help from the adults on the trip.

Behind she has raised it with the school. She's discussed it with the teacher previously, possibly a few times by the sounds of it.

Sorry, I only read that she feels sorry she did not intervene previously and then that she only mentioned it casually.

Mentioning it casually does not really constitute 'raising an issue of bullying with the school'.

If your DD is in the same group as the bully, there is a fair chance she won't flag any issues as previously she hasn't. It's ok for adults to keep an eye on things but will they truly have a real practical idea of what's going on? Will your DD speak out?

Also I must add that I know no teachers who read emails over the weekend. He/she might not get a chance to read emails till after the residential which will be too late.

I think you can raise all the points you need to discuss but do it politely and constructively and firmly. It's very likely there is some flexibility in the groups.

I disagree. Bullying was flagged, it doesn't matter if its done in person/paper/email etc.

Bullying (which is a strong word and very overused) was not flagged by the sounds of it.
A casual chat along the lines of 'dd is getting a little annoyed by boy's words' is not the same as having a serious sit down where bullying gets alleged.

And OP has not told us exactly what she said when she spoke to teacher so we are both summising, just offering opposites of the the coin!

Thank you all for your helpful advice, sorry have been out all day.

I'm taking dd3 to school tomorrow morning as usual, the trip doesn't leave until lunchtime so dd's having a lie in! I will find her teacher in the morning explain the situation and ask if dd can change groups.

The more general issue I'll deal with in a letter which I will write next week.

behind I disagree that the group leader will notice everything that goes on. There are 9 or 10 children in each group and this boy is clever, he makes sure no adults are in earshot.

Dd HAS mentioned it to her teacher on occasion. I don't know what's happened exactly, presumably he'll have a word with him and all's fine until the next time.

What should be the usual flow of events after someone has written a formal letter of complaint? What should I expect from the school?

Sorry Dancer, I missed the bit where you said DD had mentioned it. On the whole I do think that in groups of 10 or so things will be noticed, but obviously there is no guarantee, that is true.

Yes, speak to the group leader. I hope things can be resolved and dd has a fabulous trip. She may be able to change groups without anyone else having to move to accommodate her. When we do school trips not all groups have an equal number of pupils in them.

With regards to the letter, it depends on what you say in it that you would like to happen. If I were you I would set out in writing exactly what you have told us and then ask for the deputy or the head (depends on who deals with issues like this, in our school it is initially the deputy) to phone you to discuss the matter. Then, together, you can decide what the best course of action will be. Remember, to resolve this to the best satisfaction you need to work with the school, not against them.

Good luck. I am school the school will help you once they are aware of how this is affecting your dd. I hope your dd has a good trip.
You are a fab mum dealing with this and helping your dd.

Inevitably any solution will have to happen within the school. Your daughter's actions during and after each incident will have the biggest influence in solving this problem.

For one moment put yourself in your daughter's position hearing that the bully is a nasty boy who's words don't matter. She is hurt and upset by his words; to her they DO matter; hearing from you that they don't matter makes her feel worse.

What would you do in the workplace is you were being bullied by a colleague? If it was making your work life so unbearably miserable that you were depressed at the prospect of going to work? What could someone say to you to equip you to deal with the situation appropriately? It wouldn't be to ignore it - and that shouldn't be your advice to her. She has to learn to assert her right not to be a victim and that will probably require you and her talking to her teacher about what will be done and also teaching her how to be assertive and calm in the face of bullies.