All at Sea author Decca Aitkenhead answers Mumsnetters' questions

[SorchaMumsnet]

Our February Non-fiction Book of the Month is All at Sea by journalist Decca Aitkenhead. We gave away 50 copies and we'll be discussing the book throughout the month.

All at Sea is Decca's honest and moving portrait of love and life in the face of the loss of her partner, Tony. In order to come to terms with his death, she takes us back to the beginning of their relationship. Far from self-indulgent, this is a book you will feel privileged to have had the opportunity to read.

We ask all winners to share their thoughts about the book on this discussion thread. If you're not one of the lucky 50 however, you can always grab a paperback copy of All at Sea.

We're also offering the chance to put your questions to Decca Aitkenhead. Post all your questions for Decca before midday on Monday 13 March. We'll post up her answers on this thread before the end of the March.

Dear me I weeped reading this book literally the whole way through. All the more upsetting & shocking as it is true.

Decca's sent over her answers so we'll post them up now

@FoxInABox

Finished today. My heart goes out to Decca and her family. Tissues are very much needed when reading her book. It is incomprehensible what they have been through, yet Decca writes beautifully and is completely honest throughout, sharing feelings we are all privy to yet seldom admit. I would like to ask Decca whether they still return to treasure beach?

Thank you for your question. We have indeed been back. We returned in February last March, and it was an equally magical trip. Something seems to happen to us all in Treasure Beach, joy somehow becomes possible, and this has made the place only more precious to us. I didn’t think we could go this year, and when I told the boys, Jake’s face fell. “But Dec,” he wailed, “it’s our family tradition!” (Where did he even learn that phrase?) So we’re going out again in the school summer holidays. Charlotte, the boys’ former nanny, fell in love with Treasure Beach on that first trip we all made together, and so she came with us again last March, and then went back for three months last year and volunteered in the local nursery and primary school. While she was there she discovered that none of the children in the village can swim; they have no access to a pool where they could learn, or to swimming lessons, and as a consequence many young lives have been lost to the ocean in Treasure Beach. So Charlotte has founded a charity called Likkle Swimmers and is returning this summer to provide free swimming lessons to all the children in the community. So we’ll all be there together in the summer, and the sense that out of the tragedy something positive has come means more to me than I can put into words.

@CoffeeandChocolateplease

Thank you for this book - I received it on Friday and read it by Saturday evening. Your writing style is so easy to read, even though the subject matter is so sad. My heart goes out to you and your family and friends.

I would like to ask how you and your boys are doing now? Do they remember Tony and talk about him? My father died when I was 7 and I don't really remember us ever talking about him much after that, so I don't have a lot of memories of him. I think your book will be a wonderful gift for your children in that respect.

Hello CoffeeandChocolateplease

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I’m so sorry about your father. I think we’re generally doing okay – the boys have a slightly morbid preoccupation with death, which troubles me, but is I guess perfectly natural; other than that I’d say they seem to be remarkably unscarred. We moved back to London last summer, as life at Tubslake in Kent was just too impractical and lonely without Tony, and that’s helped enormously; we don’t feel like such a misfit family in London. Joe’s memories of his dad have faded to almost nothing, though Jake remembers lots, so it’s a constant responsibility to keep talking about their dad. I can see how easy – and tempting – it would be to let chats about Tony drift, but as you’ll know, that’s not a wise plan.

@starlight36

My question to Decca: Does she feel that she is able to keep the right balance of talking to Jake and Joe about Tony whilst also being able to live life in the present?

Hi Starlight36, this is such a good question and one I wish I knew how to answer. I wonder about this constantly, and worry that in my concern to keep memories of Tony alive, I also keep us trapped in the tragedy and the past. People tell me to trust my instincts, but to be honest I’ve never been sure what my instincts are telling me (other people always seem to be much more in tune with theirs than I am), and not sure it would be wise to trust them even if I was! I try to take cues from Jake and Joe, and they definitely love anecdotes and jokes and stories about Tony, so I think the key is to keep memories cheerful and full of love.

@oldwife

What is next,Decca?

Any plans to live or spend much more time over in Jamaica? Or staying put in UK?

Oh oldwife, that’s the million dollar question! I often think I should try and be constructive about our situation; I could do my job anywhere in the world, the boys aren’t yet old enough for exams and all that to constrain us, so maybe I should take us off on a big adventure. This means that on any typical day I can have mentally moved house and relocated us to San Francisco/Treasure Beach/New York/The Hebrides in the time it’s taken to unload the dishwasher. In reality, the truth is that just getting the kids to school feels like a tall enough order most days, so I suspect my emigration fantasies are ultimately really just that, fantasies.

@alialiath

I'd like to ask Decca if her sons have any contact with Tony's daughter?

Hello Alialiath, I’m afraid this is a difficult subject and one I don’t feel comfortable writing much about. It feels perfectly to write about my own kids, but not anyone else’s, and so the simple answer is that no, we don’t have any contact with her. That feels better for my boys, and I don’t see it ever changing.

@LadyDianne

I found All at Sea mesmerising, as a study in grief, but mainly because I have never before read a novel where the author is so unsparing of herself, so totally transparent. How did you come about such self-knowledge?

Hello LadyDianne, thank you for your question, which is very kind. The funny thing is I hadn’t thought I’d been particularly transparent or honest until the book came out and I began to hear the comment from readers. I can only think that in a state of extreme crisis, a strange kind of clarity descends and one becomes hyper-aware. And having been party to all sorts of psychological revelations about what grief and shock did to me, I think the journalist habit in me to report what I’d found took over.

@Celama

My question for Decca is, at the start of the book, you recall seeing Jake in the water and at that point Tony doesn't appear to have noticed. Because things went so horrifically wrong afterwards, do you feel that you have been cheated out the chance to be angry that the situation arose? You couldn't be angry with Tony because he drowned and you couldn't be angry with Jake because of the damage that would inflict.

Celema - hats off for asking that question; I think it’s one lots of people wonder about but feel too awkward to ask. If this had happened to anyone else I’m sure it’s the question I’d wonder about. And I’m so glad and relieved that the answer I can give you is perfectly true, and not wishful thinking on my part. There isn’t a trace of anger in me towards Jake, because he did nothing reckless or irresponsible (even by the standards of a 4-year-old) – he was only paddling calf-deep at the water’s edge, and couldn’t have known that when he took one more little step into the sea the riptide would pull him off his feet and sweep him out. And Tony was in no way negligent for letting him paddle like that, when he’d only ever known the sand there to shelve very gently, and the water to be calm. The truth is that if it had been me with him on the beach, and not Tony, it might well have taken me longer to register the danger when Jake was pulled into the water – but unlike me Tony was always on high alert to the dangers of the ocean and could not have reacted more quickly. So I’ve been spared any anger – and for that I feel truly grateful, because to have to feel blame on top of everything else would feel truly unbearable.

@mumofmadboys

Do you maintain a relationship with Tony's adopted family?

Hi Mumofmadboys, we’ve had very little contact since Tony’s funeral. They are all very very different to Tony, and just as his relationship with them was never very close, I feel similarly distant.

@Sunflower22

I would love to know how she and her boys are doing, especially Jake? Will there be a 'sequel'?

I hope this isn’t overly optimistic, but I think Jake is slowly shedding his sense of guilt and self-blame. I no longer see glimpses of great rage in him, and he feels more comfortable in his own skin. And I would love to write a sequel at some point – for now, though, I’m just waiting to see which way our life will go. And hoping any sequel I might write in the future will tell a happier tale.

@aspella

Will you let your children read the book, if yes at what age?

Hello Aspella, the first half of your question is easy to answer: yes. The second part is much trickier! I imagine they will probably read it in their teens, but would be very happy to leave it until they’re grown up, I’m just not sure it would be feasible to put it off until adulthood. Part of me will always feel nervous about what they make of it, but I just hope it will give them a record of their father and our short life as a family.

I read this book in 2 sittings over the weekend. What an incredible sad story. Decca is incredibly strong. I found her attraction to tony fascinating and also her relationship with her mum and how she dealt with her grief then and how she dealt with it more honestly with tony. Beautiful but sad book.

I just missed the q&a. Really interesting questions and answers. Thank you mumsnet.

Thanks for the frank response Decca, I am glad you are at peace over that emotion. Wishing you, Jake and Joe happier times to come.

Unlike all the previous glorious reviews written about this book, I seemed to be struggling a bit more to finish reading 'All at Sea'. I normally read fiction and maybe the realization that in this case the story I was reading was someone else's real loss of a loved one filled me with an uneasy feeling and therefor I preferred not to read about it all.
Nevertheless Decca Aitkenhead has written an honest story about her experience of losing Tony. I think you can hear from the wording that she is a journalist as I don't think I have ever read a book using so many and such difficult words to describe feelings etc. However my childrens teachers would be delighted with these words and they would definitely not be on the 'forbidden' word list, meanwhile my vocabulary has grown .

Just caufht up with this thread.

Thanks for your replies Decca.

Its goos that the swimming lesson scheme has come out of this.

Best wishes to you and yours in the future.

What a beautiful heartwrenching book. One that had me reaching for the tissues many a time but kept wanting me to read more. My heart went out to Decca. How tragic. Would love to read a sequel to see how life has progressed x