Non fiction book of the month - The Sex Lives of English Women. Post a question to author Wendy Jones by 16 October

[RachelMumsnet]

Our September non-fiction book of the month is Wendy Jones' intriguing study of what sex really means to English women today. In this book she delves into the most intimate lives of 24 women from diverse backgrounds. There's Charlotte, the 43 year old gynaecologist, Samantha the 28 year old burlesque dancer, Olive the 35 year old nun and Mary the 94 year old ("I was absolute trollope when I was a landgirl"). Each interviewee opens up and detail the most intimate details of their sex lives and fantasies. The result is a fascinating read.

If you fancy reading The Sex Lives of English Women apply for a free copy - We have 50 up for grabs - then come back to this thread and let us know what you thought. Author Wendy Jones (also biographer of Grayson Perry - Portrait of an Artist) will be taking Qs about the book, so do post up your questions here before the end of September.

Thank you mn for the copy, I've just finished mine.

I found it very interesting and incredibly varied. Whilst I appreciated that the work came accross as the actual words of each woman, I did find so many like uses of the word like in some woman's accounts quite irritating.

Some stories were fascinating and they varied so much. I felt sad that early on abuse or parenting had such an effect on so many women. It was quite empowering to read but I would have preferred less women but more about each woman as each chapter felt so short to read and I wanted to really get in their heads and find out more.

I'm intrigued by the interview process and Luke love to know more from wendy in the web chat. Did she ask lots of specific questions or just let them talk and see what they said? Had she met them before? Where did they take place? Was there chit chat first or did they go straight into it? We're any of the women embarrassed speaking so frankly?

What a fascinating book, i enjoyed it very much. I loved that it was such a diverse group of women and their thoughts - it really makes you think about your own body and sexuality and how we are perceived by others. I must add that at almost 50 years of age I am a quite a different person to the 20 year old.

My questions are about the interview techniques .... did you meet all of the women personally? Are you in contact with them since the book was published? And finally will you be writing one about men?

Thank You.

Thank you for my copy. I found the book interesting and also fascinating. I wasn't sure what I was going to make of it when it arrived, as I was expecting a question and answer type of book. But I loved it!

Iv not quite finished it yet so will come back later once I have but so far.

I'm finding the book quite interesting.

Some of the language makes for hard reading but I keep telling myself that these are the almost unedited words from interviews so it would be unfair to them to change their words.

The one thing so far that really stands out for me is I'm sad that so many of these women seem to think that the shoddy way they have been treated or the crap sex they have had or are having are acceptable parts of their life and they don't realise that they have a right to more.
Also that abusive situations are as prevalent as they are.

I really like the honesty of these women.

The other thing I have realised is My own perception of sex is actually quite healthy. After hearing other women I realise that Iv got nothing to worry about and that despite my history (of abuse) and my own little quirky hangups (we all have some!) that I have a good and healthy attitude to sex, that my perception about sex and relationships even when I was young (over 16) was quite advanced so I can stop thinking Being worried that my history has made me a freak. I can just get on with enjoying this natural part of life.

I'm a good way into the book and am really liking it so far. I'm struck by how different the voices are and they feel very natural and authentic. I was especially taken by the difference between the Nun chapter and the one preceding it. I definitely find myself disliking certain people and liking others and am not always certain why that is, so that's been a really interesting experience for me to reflect on. Am I judging some of these women based on their disclosures? Or am I just warming to certain voices over others? Generally, reading this book has made me feel less alone, and somehow comforted at the wide variety of secret thoughts and experiences which aren't talked about which are still going on. And like the reviewer above, it makes me feel 'Oh actually, I am normal, I'm okay' and that is not so much compared to the women in the book but in the sense that I belong amongst them and all our perceptions of sexuality and our own feelings about sex are equally valid. (Because there is such a wide spectrum of 'normal', more so than I realised!) That's very affirming. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Thanks for my copy, it is not something I would normally read so it was interesting, some were interesting but some just felt a bit unbelievable

Thank you for the book, I found it very interesting, wasn't sure what to expect but found it very interesting, have now passed it on to my mum to read no doubt she will have different views on the book to me. Will you be writing a 2nd book the sex lives of English Men ?

Thank you for my copy.

This book is fascinating, in a kind of curtain twitching way, to hear the thoughts of a myriad of different personalities and their views, expectations and experiences of sex.
Unfortunately I found the style (which is deliberately done, I do get that) off putting and couldn't really get into. It's like reading the thoughts of the subjects as they we having them and is very butterfly-ish, flirting about, as a result.

It is an interesting and unique read, but I have to admit I found it hard work.

Ps... having just seen the post above, about the sex lives of men, now that would be an amazing insight and an interesting read. Great idea.

Flitting.. not flirting!!

Thank you for a copy of the book. I found it an interesting and eye opening read and really enjoyed reading it.

I was struck by how the individual women's voices stood out, I could almost hear them speaking!

I found the book empowering in many ways, one story in particular really struck a chord with me and made me think "it's okay - this is normal!" which felt very comforting. For that reason I would definitely recommend this book.

My questions for Wendy Jones would be - did you find some of the subject matter difficult to deal with? Also, has researching and writing this book had an impact on your own views about sex?

I enjoyed reading this book. It was very honest and open. The style of some of the writing irritated me but that was because it was written as the women would speak rather than Queen's English.

My feeling was that although the stories were very different, none of them felt anything like my own or my friends' experiences of sex (as stereotypical boring middle class middle aged women!). We do talk about sex a lot. We mainly have dull sex every once in a while to keep the peace but fantasise about having passionate sex with someone else (real people we know, celebrities, fantasy figures).

My question is: for every case study that you did use in the book were there many more that you rejected as too dull for the book?

I've only read the first chapter. I do most of my reading on the train to and from work and I know it may sound silly but I've been too embarrassed to read this book in front of my fellow commuters!

Now that I've read a couple of the chapters I don't feel I will be too embarrassed. It feels very positive and empowering hearing a woman speaking so openly and honestly about her sexuality. I think it may be a book that I recommend to my daughters when they are older. I had imagined that the book would book similar to Nancy Fridays book my secret garden. I remember reading that book is there much younger woman and feeling inadequate.

I don't have any questions but I just wanted to say thank you very much for the book mums net and to Wendy for writing such a positive book for women to read.

A fascinating and insightful read. Sadly women's sexuality is still considered something of a taboo and I did get a few strange looks reading this in public.

I found it difficult to get into to start with. Though the voices of the individual women really came though ,at times the chatty tone of some of the stories did n't read very well. Some chapters resonated more than others and I found that I had to put it down a few times to contemplate what I had read.

The Book reminded me of the Vagina Monolgues and like other readers have commented I think it is empowering for women to talk about sex in an open and honest way. I liked that the stories were from women of different backgrounds and walks of life.

I will be recommending to friends

Thanks so much to all those who have posted up feedback. We're going to send the questions over to Wendy later today and hope to post up her answers later next week.

Hi folks - apologies for the delay on getting Wendy's answers up. We've got her in-depth and insightful responses for you now.

@RoastieToastieReastie

I'm intrigued by the interview process and Luke love to know more from wendy in the web chat. Did she ask lots of specific questions or just let them talk and see what they said? Had she met them before? Where did they take place? Was there chit chat first or did they go straight into it? We're any of the women embarrassed speaking so frankly?

Hello Roastietoastie,

Great questions. I didn’t have any specific questions for the women really. I did want to ask them what they fantasised about because we are all at our freest in our fantasies, and I wondered what women wanted when they were free. But what happened was that the women only talked a little bit about their fantasies and a lot more about their sexuality, sex lives, men, other women, and their experience of being a woman. So I had to open up the discussion.

Chit chat was very important, sometimes we would talk for an hour or more about grandchildren, hobbies, books, whatever, as we got to know each other and feel comfortable. Some women wanted to start immediately and we were off talking within five minutes. They were desperate to talk. Other women needed to have a lot of email contact and to meet a few times before they were willing to be interviewed. And yes, some of the women were embarrassed to talk so frankly – and I was embarrassed to ask such frank questions!

The interviews took place wherever the person wanted them - usually in their house or my flat in London. One took place in a coffee shop, and one in a hotel garden. I had met a few of them before, but most were complete strangers. And I learned quickly that the best way to interview the people was to not ask questions really, but just let them talk about whatever they wanted to talk about.

@aristocat

My questions are about the interview techniques .... did you meet all of the women personally? Are you in contact with them since the book was published? And finally will you be writing one about men?

Hi aristocrat,

Yes, I met all the women in person. It is the best way, and makes it so much easier to have a good conversation and do a proper interview. I am in contact with all of them, and it is fascinating to me how much all of the women’s lives have changed, and really for the better. I think each interview was a powerful experience, certainly for me, and often for the woman being interviewed as well.

Yes, I am writing The Sex Lives of English Men - I’m halfway through and it will be published in July 2018. It’s fascinating, and very different and darker and franker! For me, as a woman, it’s a real eye-opener, and helping me have a lot more compassion for men.

@SilverMachine

My questions for Wendy Jones would be - did you find some of the subject matter difficult to deal with? Also, has researching and writing this book had an impact on your own views about sex?

Hi Silvermachine,

Yes, I did. I found writing the book very emotionally difficult at times. I often cried with the interviewee in the interview as I was so moved by what I was hearing, and sometimes disturbed too. Conversely, the interviews were often a lot of fun and funny - there was a lot of laughter. Most of all there was respect – I felt so much respect for the women I interviewed.

I was very shocked how many women have bad sexual experiences in one form or another. I hadn’t wagered for that. I think the reality is probably much, much higher than the statistics say. I would say the vast majority of women have had a very difficult experience or experiences around their sexuality. This is an untold fact about our society.

Writing the book has affected my own views about sex. I think I’m a bit like a gynecologist or a nurse now – I am not phased by these conversations at all anymore! I think nudity as a natural, every day, part of life is very important; it gives us real information about our bodies in comparison to other people’s bodies and that’s very normalizing. I also think everyone is vulnerable when it comes to their sexuality, no matter how armoured they may appear. And the more care and gentleness we can bestow on our sexuality as women, the stronger and happier we will be. And the more respect and gentleness society can show women’s sexuality, the better it is for everyone.

Like you, I found writing/reading the book very normalizing. I felt it’s all okay, how ever I come at my own sexuality, it’s okay, it’s normal, I’m not alone, there is space for all of us in all of our different ways of being sexual. It took away all my judgements, too.

@TowerRingInferno

My feeling was that although the stories were very different, none of them felt anything like my own or my friends' experiences of sex (as stereotypical boring middle class middle aged women!). We do talk about sex a lot. We mainly have dull sex every once in a while to keep the peace but fantasise about having passionate sex with someone else (real people we know, celebrities, fantasy figures).

My question is: for every case study that you did use in the book were there many more that you rejected as too dull for the book?

Hello Toweringinferno,

I had thought that would be the case; that some interviews would be too flat to include but it so didn’t happen! Most of the women said at the beginning of the interview, ‘I’m so boring, I don’t know why you want to interview me.’ But they were all fascinating, all of them, without exception. I don’t believe any woman has a boring story. I am absolutely certain if I interviewed you and your friends, you too would have fascinating, insightful and wise stories.

@PhoenixRisingSlowly

I'm struck by how different the voices are and they feel very natural and authentic. I was especially taken by the difference between the Nun chapter and the one preceding it. I definitely find myself disliking certain people and liking others and am not always certain why that is, so that's been a really interesting experience for me to reflect on. Am I judging some of these women based on their disclosures? Or am I just warming to certain voices over others?

Hello Phoenixrisingslowly,
It’s a good point. The book is very powerful and I have had a huge range of reviews, from being banned in China, being one of ELLE’s Ten Books Every Woman Should Read, to be hated in one broadsheet, sneered at in another, and loved in yet another! The response has been huge in range. And people have loved and hated the same chapter, and been bored and fascinated by the same chapter. I think women’s sexuality is a very powerful force in the world. And we all come to it with so much history, and so it makes sense that some chapters are harder or easier for every reader.

Reading the book is a bit like sitting in a circle with a group of women, each one telling their story: some of them we will naturally warm to, and some will be challenging for us.

I’m so glad you like all the different voices – I was struck by how differently each woman spoke too.

@Belo

I've only read the first chapter. I do most of my reading on the train to and from work and I know it may sound silly but I've been too embarrassed to read this book in front of my fellow commuters!

Now that I've read a couple of the chapters I don't feel I will be too embarrassed. It feels very positive and empowering hearing a woman speaking so openly and honestly about her sexuality. I think it may be a book that I recommend to my daughters when they are older. I had imagined that the book would book similar to Nancy Fridays book my secret garden. I remember reading that book is there much younger woman and feeling inadequate.

I don't have any questions but I just wanted to say thank you very much for the book, mumsnet and to Wendy for writing such a positive book for women to read.

Thank you so much, Belo. That’s exactly why I wrote it. I wanted for women to be able to talk to each other and feel positive about themselves as women through the book. I understand your embarrassment – I was embarrassed at times to have written it! You sound like a great mum to your daughters, really open and sensitive.

@Ihateseagulls

A fascinating and insightful read. Sadly women's sexuality is still considered something of a taboo and I did get a few strange looks reading this in public.

I will be recommending to friends

Thank you so much, Ihateseagulls. It’s always such a privilege as a writer to be recommended.

How interesting and intriguing, looking forward to receiving, thank you.