SHE LEFT ME THE GUN by Emma Brockes is our February Non-Fiction choice - apply for a free copy and discuss the book here

[TillyBookClub]

Our February NonFiction choice, SHE LEFT ME THE GUN, is about a woman on a mission to forget who she used to be - and her daughter’s mission to find out. Award-winning Guardian journalist Emma Brockes has written an astonishingly clear-eyed and compassionate account of her mother’s shocking story, and how she came to unearth the truth. With such a deeply compelling and personal subject, we asked Emma to tell us about it herself:

'For a long time, I felt rather sheepish about writing this book. I thought it constituted making a fuss, and not making a fuss was a central plank of my mother's character. I was also wary of it being lumped in as a misery memoir, which is why the working title was Boo Fucking Hoo. (I couldn't have it, my publishers said, because I'd never get on Radio 4).

Since publishing it last year, I've come up with lots of reasons as to why exactly I wrote it. Like: “I wrote it to circumscribe the grief after my mother's death.” This didn't occur to me at the time, but I believe it. It was Primo Levi who said the human condition is naturally opposed to anything infinite, and if you don't know the extent of what you've lost – if a person dies having kept large swathes of their life secret from you - the loss feels unbounded and therefore unbearable.

I also wrote it because it seemed to me that a great sacrifice had been made on my behalf and I couldn't stand the idea of it going unrecognized. We live in an age of compulsive, public self-pathologizing. Talent plus trauma is the jackpot condition, failing which just talent, failing which just trauma. I interviewed Simon Cowell, once, whose shows have done so much to encourage the idea of adversity-as-selling-point and even he had to admit things had spun out of control: “I once had a guy who came rushing out on stage and literally shouted, 'I've got cancer!' Like it was great news. He was so happy that he had a sad story.”

My mother always threatened to tell me her sad story. “One day I will tell you the story of my life,” she said, “and you will be amazed.” She said it in her customary style, jaunty and undefeated, but I knew something horrible lurked underneath. You can always tell. It is there in the flit of the eyes.

It would, I'm sure, have been consoling for my mother to talk about what happened to her in childhood and early adulthood. But I was not the person to hear it. No child should bear the weight of their parent's unhappiness and she understood that. It was none of my business and she moved heaven and earth to keep it that way.

None of this struck me at the time. At the time, I thought I was writing it because it was a great story and I'm a journalist. I was writing it because it kept her close to me for a little bit longer. Mainly, I was writing it for what I hope is a good reason to do or write anything: because if I didn't, no one else would.’

You can find further details on Emma's website including interviews for the Guardian, as well as information on both her books.

If you’re interested to read and come back and discuss, apply for a free copy. Faber have 50 copies to give to Mumsnetters – to claim yours go to the book of the month page. We’ll post on the thread when all the copies have gone. If you’re not lucky enough to bag one of the free books, you can always get your paperback or Kindle version here.

If you get a free copy, we do expect you to come and and tell us what you think. So please feel free to discuss the book here throughout the month and look forward to hearing your thoughts…

Oh no!!! Seems I've just missed out?:(

I got my copy this morning, thank you! Pretty surprised because I didn't get an email, but definitely not complaining

Have only read the preface so far but I'm already hooked. Will come back when I've read more (or the whole book in one sitting, knowing me).

Ive received mine this morning as well, hoping to start it tonight.

I have just finished this- it was a compelling read, and I read it in the course of one day, which is always a good sign.
I don't think I've read such a good memoir since Lorna Sage's Bad Blood, which is several years ago now.

There is a real sense of struggle to speak the unspeakable in a family which is more accustomed to silence and a defiant bravura. It must have been incredibly difficult to write.

What really shines through, though, is what an incredible force of nature the author's mother was, and how she bears testament to the fierce power of love to endure through the most harrowing of times. A truly remarkable woman, who would, I think, be proud of the courage her daughter has shown in writing this. Brocke's defiant "Fuck it, I won't be ashamed", in the face of the years of secrecy, is, I think, something we should all take away from this.

I'm not sure this story should have been published. I don't think Pauline would have wanted (or approved) of that kind of exposure.

Completely understand why the author went to the lengths she did to uncover the truth though and it does make compelling reading.

Thanks for sending me the book. It was a pleasant surprise to have won it. I finished it today and am ready to share my thoughts about it. However, to be honest, I have mixed feelings about it. It is very well written and Brockes' style is quite compelling, so much that I could easily get through it in a day (despite an inquisitive toddler and a demanding 3 year old daughter!).

However, the story itself is a disturbing one and I found myself squirming at what to expect.

Brockes has handled it very well, by talking about her mother's quirks and behaviour and then slowly edging into her past and her family. I found myself smiling at her mum's disapproval of "Britishness" and enjoyed the description of many of her behavioural traits as Brockes acquaints her her mother to the reader.

It is after her mum's death when Brockes decides to delve into her mother's past that I found myself bracing for the worst. It was no secret what she was going to reveal, for there are hints all over the place about abuse. Maybe it was my frame of mind or the fact that I have two young children of my own and hence the hypersenstivity to child abuse, I don't know.

But apart from that, the subject matter is very well handled especially the impact of abuse on the children, how the trial was their ordeal by fire and its subsequent effect on them as adults.

At one point though, as the story wore on, I couldn't help wondering if I was reading a travelogue or a memoir when Brockes describes the a victim of mugging incident in South Africa.

Anyways, the last few pages, the court statements really got to me and that was the point when I felt that I had enough.

But perhaps that is the strength of the book. To be able to evoke extreme emotions so much that it stayed with me even after I closed the book.

V gd.

I've just finished reading and I have in the main enjoyed reading it. Unlike most fiction I read I was unable, or more truthfully unwilling to read it in one go. I read a few chapters and then went back to it the next day.

The author has written it beautifully and she captured the unease of wishing to know the truth when knowing it will cause pain to do so. I think this is why I didn't read it in one go.

She cleverly leaves the reader wanting to carry one but doing it with one eye shut because you knew what was coming would be difficult to read.

An extraordinarily good construction, shows her own journey and discovery of her mother, circles and slowly reaches the core of her mother's secret, manages to convey the horror without prurience and misery lit (particularly good use of Uncle Tony's testimony) and is funny to boot.

Also the family in Sth Africa, so good and true: the damage and the humour to manage the aftermath.

I was fortunate to win this book and what a journey of discovery it was, a real tangled web. Having relatives who have lived in South Africa for over forty years I know a little of its history. Secrets and lies usually get found out but one can imagine what led to all the intrigue in this story. Certainly worth a read as it is something you will ponder for a good while, well worth a good read.

Great read. Amazing story. A different take on child abuse.

I liked the matter of fact way the story was told, it wasn't harrowing or distressing.

I read 'Don't lets go to the dogs tonight' which is about a South African childhood, similar tough, no nonsense characters and story.

I was pleased to receive a copy of this book and read it very quickly. It was very engrossing and well written about a very difficult subject. I did feel sorry for her relatives that may not have wanted this story out there but understand that it was the authors way of saying the shame was not theirs. It must have been complicated to write about but the book is well paced and constructed and a good read.

I was very lucky to receive a copy of this book-I don't usually read memoirs apart from those of the occasional film star or politician that interest me, so right off the bat this was a departure for me.
I have to say I found it to be a mixed bag. There's no doubt that the writer loved her mother and wanted to lay certain things to rest in writing this book. As a journalist it would also be a real 'human interest' story.
But what strikes me is the comment she made,speaking of her mother above.. '' It was none of my business and she moved heaven and earth to keep it that way.'' I can't help wonder, as did lavendarsgreen ,what she would have made of the family history being so publicly shared.
On the whole the writer's relationship with her family was what came through (although I did initially get a bit mixed up with who was what relation to whom,which happens with such a big family.!)

sorry, should have said lavendersgreen please excuse the poor spelling

I received a book too (thank you) and couldn't put it down. I agree that it did meander into travelogue in the last third which I wasn't so keen on, but I thought the descriptions of the family and the analysis of how they all coped with such a desperate upbringing was really compelling.

I understand how people thought it should have been kept private, but Pauline kept it private for her daughters sake - not for her own, and as Emma Brockes said - no one should feel ashamed.

I found it very powerful.

Just finished the book. I found it very easy to read and she dealt gently and sensitively with some difficult subject matter. The court transcripts was a painful chapter to read but how could it not be?

I really wasn't expecting a rollicking pace as clearly this wasn't that kind of book, but have to say that the slow pace became a little sluggish in parts of the South African road trip. However it was a very evocative portrait of a country and a family that, despite the damage done, has managed to retain their humour and love for each other.

Sorry for wnaky last sentence, I've been up since just before 3am and my grasp of English is at an all time low...

I am still reading this book (and feel like a very slow reader compared with you lot), nor have I reached any gruesome bits. However I have to say that although I don't usually read memoirs I really like the way it is written. It reads as though someone is telling you a story (rather than a piece of formal prose). So far so good.

I've just finished reading this book and it's very hard to review it: I salute anyone who can write about a difficult family history in a way that would make an outsider want to read it. As an only child of immigrant parents, I found the first part of the book where the writer describes her childhood and her mum's reaction, as a foreigner and outsider, to her neighbours funny and well-observed. But I found the middle of the book where a lot of S African relatives are introduced a bit confusing - maybe I lost concentration. The chapter where the court case is set out was shocking but lost a bit of impact for me because I'd lost my thread trying to keep track of who was who in the chapters before. The narrative could have been a bit clearer sometimes perhaps but this is not a work of fiction. For anyone to have pieced together such a troubling past and then be able to sit down, order their thoughts and write lucidly like this in a book from beginning to end is remarkable - EB's observations sometimes stopped me in my tracks and I will read this book again just for those. I wish her well and I hope that writing the book has helped her come to terms with her mum's past.

Beautifully written. Showing bravery by writing about such a sensitive subject. Writing about her Mother who fled South Africa to escape abuse.