Oh the opinions!

[Defaultmum]

Seeking advice! We decided to send our kids to boarding school, and we’re facing a lot of opinions from friends and family. How do you cope with the pressure and judgment that comes with such a big decision? Would love to hear your thoughts!
Many of ‘our circle’ are extremely pro-government funded education and we feel that is not the best choice for us.
Have you experienced the judgement/options of others?
Just wanting to seek solidarity with like minded people here.

We took the plunge and paid for ours to board at school.
it was money well spent.
Their day started at 7.30am and finished at around 8.00pm, two hours of sport a day, supervised prep every evening and a chosen activity/club most evenings.
This was 5 and a half days a week.
The state school day is half of that!

@PaperLampshade i think that a lot of people who are bullies in boarding school wouldn’t be if they had a stable home environment to live in, and some parenting. Boarding & the kill / be killed survival instinct draws people to the outer edges of who they are and the shy and “weak” become weaker and the hard become harder. Not all kids want to be in 20 clubs and extra fencing lessons every day and that would be the same at day school. Availability of extras isn’t an opportunity for everyone.

And what’s even better is that you don’t have to look after them at all during that whole time, or at night!

What a weird post. Had you not figured out that a boarding school day is going to be longer?

And you think a 12-hour work day for a child is a good thing??

I know a kid who was involved in bullying as a boarder. He’d been a longtime friend of DS’s in primary school before moving away, and I’d had to speak to his parents once as he was aggressively teasing DS for being short. That aggressive streak wasn’t checked at boarding school. He became the ringleader of a group targeting a couple of boys considered ‘weak’ and there ended being a huge investigation as to how it went on for so long, and two boys were removed from the school. But it’s very clear to me how it happened.

I would just give some platitude like you know it’s not for everyone but it works for your family and move on. I’m always baffled when people think they have the right to dictate how others choose to spend their own money!
For what it’s worth I know a few children who board and honestly, they have absolutely thrived. One in particular I (privately) thought might struggle as she was extremely shy. Boarding school has been the making of her. She is now extremely articulate and outgoing, sociable and most of all, very happy. You do you op.

🙈

This is the Boarding School board. If you don't approve of boarding schools, this may not be the board for some of you!

My child actively wants to board, he has been asking for years, since he was about 9, he is now 14. He isn't going to, although his school does have the option, because we live so close. He is still there 12 hours a day, comes home around 8pm, sometimes later, having done all the extracurricular activities that other parents are ferrying their kids between, he has had dinner, done his homework, hangs out with his mates. He could come back earlier if he wanted, but he chooses school.

This was our experience,the pastoral care was woeful.The boys in question were far too valuable to the school, it was a toxic environment for all involved. Alcohol and drugs were also a major problem and ingored for the most past.
DS met some exceptionally odd characters.

It prides itself on being a gentle intellectual school,, utter nonsense..

Honestly, my experience of state education is awful. Bullying, in and out of school; lack of attention from teachers; struggling to get DC to go to school, let alone do homework; lack of activities; lack of creative/music activities; no wrap around care for when DC were younger; dirty, ill equipped buildings hardly fit for purpose; disruptive behaviour in and out of classrooms...

DC did a mixture of state primary and secondary, private day school, private weekly boarding and private full boarding, so pretty much the full selection!
Boarding was right for us.

OP I have already answered your question earlier in the thread, but you do have to believe that you have chosen the right school for your DC. Others may not agree with your choice, but you know your family better than them. Most of the critics are just jealous I reckon anyway. You are able to give your DC a brilliant education and experiences.

I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts on this post about the criticism faced by parents choosing boarding schools for their children. Your insights and experiences enriched the conversation and highlighted the diverse perspectives on this topic. I appreciate your engagement and support!

It isn't a 12 hour "work day". As an example my DS's lessons start at 8.30am and finish at 4pm, but in addition to that he has lots of opportunities to participate in sports, music, and other activities before and after school such as lego/minecraft/go-karting/swimming/tennis/park runs/choir practice, as well as prep, and then chills out with friends playing board games or puzzles before bed at 8pm where he dorms with his best friends. He loves his sport and just this week has played against other schools in hockey, squash and rugby (twice). He is in Year 6 and most of his peers in state school haven't even started to play these sports yet.

It's no different to another child playing and engaging in activities after school, but the opportunities are greater. He also has subject specialist teachers in almost all subjects, which I doubt would be the case in state school at that age.

Personally, I don't think the academics at private school are particularly better than at state school, if your child works hard and you manage to get into a decent school. However, I think the value added of private school is real and if it means that my DCs are happy and come out of school more confident and well-rounded, then it's worth every penny.

I could never afford boarding for mine or indeed private but as a kid would have killed to go. So this. It's your choice. If you have the money, do what suits you

This. Thank you.

please hold your peace. these are YOUR CHILDREN and your have your choice on where you choose to INVEST your money.... There is 'alot' of opinions around schools generally, independent or state people will always have an opinion, so please trust your gut

Also remember other peoples opinions do not change your destiny or that of your child.

I stop the conversation in its tracks with a statement similar to this

'Thank you so much for your thoughts, but our family has made a decision on what works for our family given a number of personal factors which you are not privy to. The decision has already been made, so please lets move on, thank you for understanding'

This!!!

We are in an area which, geographically, has very few parents sending their children to boarding school, so we have had to toughen up when friends are critical.
The worst is when someone says ‘oh I couldn’t send my children to boarding school, I love them too much’ … implying we don’t, I presume?! I just hold my tongue and remind myself that everyone is entitled to their opinion / usually they are pig ignorant about boarding school and what it means.
We have one child just finishing her time at boarding school and she has found it occasionally difficult (Covid) mostly wonderful, she has the BEST friends and (I have just asked her) says she is SO glad she went, rather than stay at either local state or private schools (both of which she experienced up to 13).
And yes, another vote for the ‘well it doesn’t work for everyone but it is something we have carefully considered and believe to be best for our children’ line.

As an ex-boarder I remember conversations with my parents' friends about boarding, which had an undercurrent of "but why?"

They really stuck in my memory in a positive way - I feel they were very valuable to me. I'm really glad that those conversations were had, even if my parents felt defensive at times.

It was all done so much more politely than someone describing her friends as "pig ignorant", anyway.

Ask if their opinions are based on direct experience.
If not, disregard. Jealousy breeds judgement.

tachetastic summarises our experience very well.
Both our kids are reasonably academic and sporty. Both stated at village primary which was lovely but as it was very small there were no sports club / choir etc. and children not particularly academically challenged especially in English, so we moved to a prep school.
Sport / art / music was 100% better. Kids were no smarter and some teachers better, some worse. The state primary was in hindsight probably more robust at maths and English whilst the prep excelled in niche areas such as history and french.
Now one child at day independent school. Teaching is very good but kids not all very smart. Sport better than state school but not as good as boarding school or the prep due to shorter day.
Other child at (weekly) boarding state grammar - academics v good, kids are smart and sport so far very good. Boarding activities in the evening a bit non existent so the kids have to entertain themselves..

Never complain, never explain. It's not your job to make other people understand.

If you know it's the right decision for your DCs, you've done the research, made the choice, then you can have the courage of your convictions.

I wouldn't engage in that conversation because it's very hard to do so without sounding like you are criticising the other parent's choice. Even an innocuous reason like you want smaller class sizes could be taken to mean you think state school parents don't want the best for their children. People get very defensive about this sort of thing!

You should, however, be prepared to have an open and honest chat with your child about the reasons for the school choice including any reservations that you have.

We have done a mix of all types of schools across a number of children, including boarding. The reality of parenting is that it is a journey and even in the same family it can change course several times. People's opinions are never really appropriate unless invited because very few really understand fully the child or family situation. Things can look very differently from the outside.

I have had a fair share of criticism and it did always grate but I let it slide and now pretty much surround myself with people who are a bit kinder and open minded.

We suffer from this and it sucks. However it is,your family, your kids and all your happiness - do what you think seems right for you.

Mine went to a sports focused boarding school, fully funded because of their aptitude . People have very narrow views of boarding school, dismissing them ( and your personal situation)as all the same . You do what is best for your child, end of. You will hear all the horror stories , and it’s good to be cautious, but be vigilant and maintain excellent communication.

My mum in particular has been quite resistant, and not for financial reasons because DD is being funded by the music and dance scheme. She will only be an hour away, but I think my mum feels she is on another continent. We've had to explain that this was DD's choice - so she can follow her talent and passion, and also have the opportunity to attend a school with smaller class sizes and better outcomes than any local school. She will also be around like-minded children, which she sorely misses in state school. The provision just isn't there for music. She's gradually coming around, now she sees what an opportunity it is, and how fortunate DD is to have been offered a place at all.