Biracial couples - do you talk about race?

[CoparentingDad]

I’m interested to learn if as a biracial couple you talk about race together.

If this question is offensive in any way, I apologise and I’m happy to leave the forum as quickly as I’ve joined. I get this is BlackMNers, not an old white guy forum.

For context, I am a white 49 year old man and my DW is a 36 year old black woman. She was born and brought up in a majority black country and has lived in the UK for 3 years. She has a very obvious non British accent, we want to have a child together.

She works in a very conservative environment, led by older white men, middle management also being white, although they have a DEI initiative, the fact is it’s not flowed through to the day to day management. She gets judged / underestimated by being black, female and having an accent.

We talk about her day at work / interactions with others and race issues pretty much every day, we don’t always agree, but we believe it’s important to understand each other and I want to understand the UK through her lens.

We also talk more broadly about black issues / slavery (her Great Great Grandmother was a slave) and the impact that this is having on the world today. So, the conversations are broad and deep, often intense.

She has black British friends in the UK, most of whom have black partners, however 2 of them (both female) are with white men and neither of those couples have ever talked about race as a couple. NEVER!

I find this odd, especially as one of the couples is due to have a child in 5 months’ time.

Are we the odd ones out? Surely as a mixed race couple you need to understand the issues / nuances?

If we have this wrong, happy to be challenged, but I’d really value other’s experiences.

I’m white, DH is black. We have teen kids. We talk about race often and always have, both between us as a couple and with our kids. I can’t see how you wouldn’t? It would be like ignoring a massive aspect of our lives and something that impacts my loved ones in multiple and complex ways.

My kids have added a whole other level of perspective for both of us, too. We have such interesting conversations about race and culture. I love listening to them and learning from them as they become adults and share their experiences.

Great post.

I do think its weird if mixed couples , especially ones with kids never talk about race, like it doesn't matter. Meghan Markle is about as fair as a mixed race person can be with a black person and race still plays in her life and she ( for a long time) was as far removed from blackness as one can get.

Black couples talk about race all the time , so it seems really strange if a black person doesn't discuss it with their partner regardless of their colour, because this world has deep veined racism and bias. Note that I said world, because its not an English thing, its a white supremacy thing, which many non-white people, in non-white countries buy into.

I'm white, married to a British man who happens to have black parents (he would describe himself that way, born and raised in a very white area the UK).

We very rarely discuss race, been together for a million years and yes at first I suppose we must have done so, but he's culturally English, has never been to Africa, has no black friends or family still living. He certainly did experience racism in the 70s, growing up in a very white working class area but handled it pretty well from what I can gather. Had loads of white friends, was very popular at school and university.

Obviously we've had the occasional funny look from someone, usually in the US, but no overt racism in the UK since we got together over 30 years ago.

Our kids have experienced occasional racism at secondary school and obviously we supported them 100% in getting the school to punish the kids who were being obnoxious (they went to 99% white grammar schools), and in trying to make them feel proud of their mixed heritage.

Our son in particular has also had occasional run ins as a teenager, but has a strong sense of his own self worth not linked to race and would just dismiss racism as an irrelevance tbh.

Maybe if my DH had been brought up within a black community, and we had lived somewhere multicultural it would have been different, but living in a very affluent, very white part of the country, it just hasn't been a significant issue and we rarely talk about it at all.

Our son in particular has also had occasional run ins as a teenager, but has a strong sense of his own self worth not linked to race and would just dismiss racism as an irrelevance tbh

Wow. I can tell you from experience that mixed race children often hide the pain of racism from their white parent as they don't have the skills and language to talk about it to someone who doesn't understand. Please do not assume that your son is fine due to having self worth. That's not how it works.

And what about the Black parent?
Or are you saying that OP's son is having secret discussion with his father about race, that he chooses to hide from the OP?

Yes we do and always have done. In the early days we talked a lot about the differences in our cultures, upbringings and experiences. We have very different backgrounds. Then we talked about issues a lot before we had children and considered all sorts of stuff that would impact them. We have adult DC, and the conversation continues.

We do, with a fair amount of grim humour, which I think is a coping strategy. Also more serious conversations about history etc.

I'm saying that and shouldn't assume her son isn't affected by racism just because hasn't told her he is. Having self worth doesn't protect you from it.

BMN the so called safe space where WW answer for BW!

If that was aimed at me, the OP was asking biracial couples

I think you'll find the focus of the question is aimed at BW in IR relationships. IR doesnt automatically mean WW/BM these days as BW/WM relationships are ob the rise.

I missed that this was BMN, apologies.

Is he African? It sounds like he's a Black man who hasn't accepted he is Black probably because he has severe issues around racial identification. The way you've described your family is very concerning for other Black people.

Imagine saying "my parents were humans" instead of "I'm human". Your partner needs therapy in a Black space.

I asked if he was African because there are Black countries outside of Africa that many of us hail from. So we don't go to Africa unless wanting a holiday there. We go to our country of origin to visit family and connect with our roots.

Yes dh is of course black. His parents immigrated from Nigeria in the 50s and never went back. So far as he recollects they never had visitors from Nigeria.

he’s never had any contact with any family still there and his roots are definitely not there, they’re in the UK.

why on earth would he want or need therapy, he’s the happiest and most well adjusted person I know.

being black isn’t an issue or a problem for him

@PPQ123 Obviously you know him best and I’m not doubting your accounting but it’s not an attitude I’ve ever seen in someone who is comfortable with their race. Feeling British is perfectly fine especially if he grew up here but to describe your parents as black but not yourself is odd. Being culturally, British doesn’t make you any less black.

I have friends and family who feel very British and largely have white British friends (this is obvs fine) but no one would describe themselves in a similar way. They all seem to like their various heritages too. However, we are all younger and since the 50s there’s been many a pride and conscious movement. If it was someone, I knew I would worry all the racism forced him to try and fit in as much as possible to the degree he’s internalised it.

DP and I speak about race. We really had to, because he grew up abroad and he didn’t even meet another person of colour until he was in his teens. There were some moments… but now he will listen to me rant and gets it most of the time.

Like the previous poster touched on, much of what you say about him indicates a severe identity complex that he will project onto his brown children. It's not fair on them, please get him and them help if you care at all about their emotional health. This is really really serious and not something to play with.

“Please get him and them help” - Wow. Person shares their experience and now their partner needs therapy.

Mumsnet is a funny place! 😂

@ConfuseddotCom11
“Please get him and them help” - Wow. Person shares their experience and now their partner needs therapy.

Mumsnet is a funny place! 😂

He definitely does need help if he has an identity crisis yes. Let me guess you are a WW.

Only because you read stuff like "my husband's parents are Black".

@Appleontherocks - I think it’s necessary to quote:
“a British man who happens to have black parents (he would describe himself that way, born and raised in a very white area the UK)”

Struggling to get my head round this - what does this man see when he looks in the mirror, looks at his kids?

No apparent curiosity about his heritage, never visited his parents’ homeland, culturally English (🤔); son considers racism an irrelevance, I imagine he’d wonder what the fuss is about BLM or anti racism campaigns.

Is this really the poster’s Dh’s perspective or it it just hers since they never really discuss race?

Amazing stuff

I've known Black people who think like this. They're usually from what we refer to colonial backgrounds. People, who, for whatever reason, championed the British/European ruling of their country of origin. You'd think it was because they were always the type that benefited from it, but no. Sometimes it was the reason they were poor/struggling to begin with.

There's another type who, when they moved here, they moved to very racist areas, where trying to conceal your Blackness in whatever way you can was the way to survive. Quite literally. You'll see that the 2nd generation child actively distances themselves from their embarrassing "native" parent(s) if they fail to assimimlate. Simply because their parents become an obstacle in maintaining the illusion.

"My parents are (the) Black(s). (Not me)."

Both of these types adopt a strategy of denying their connection to a Black identity. That includes denying racism (they'll do things like laugh at/make/accept racist jokes) or blaming non-white people for their failure to assimilate. They can have extreme views about immigration too, in an effort to emphasise their Britishness and their right to be here. They want to distinguish themselves from the "threat".

Quite! Can you imagine feeling no sense of pride in your parents, their heritage/culture, wanting to distance yourself from them?

How utterly sad.