BIL thinks DD’s hair needs “taming”

[Foreveraskingquestions]

I’m trying not to be to sensitive but I can’t help it. As I guess it brings back some trauma of being a young black girl and absolutely hating my hair and skin.

My daughter has beautiful afro hair and I always try and leave it in her natural state as much as possible. She has mentioned on numerous occasions how she wants it’s straight like her friends at nursery. But I have managed to bring her round to loving her curls.

anyway today we went on a trip and her how obviously frizzed up due to the wind. BIL starts to laugh saying can’t I do something with it? “Her hair is bigger than her head” I said you do realise she has Afro hair regardless of her being mixed she still has my hair.

Then he mentioned soaking it and putting some product in it to weigh it down and tame it. I repeated to him again that she has AFRO hair.

i understand that he doesn’t mean no harm but Jesus Christ just let my daughter be herself.

AIBU to be annoyed? I feel so angry

[FurAndFeathers]

No you aren’t being unreasonable.

I think you need to ask him quite pointedly why he has a problem with natural Afro hair.
her hair is clean and natural - why isn’t that good enough?
would he suggest putting chemicals in a white toddler’s hair? Why does he even care?

his interest in styling the hair of your toddler is weird

[TomatoSandwiches]

I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be sensitive about, your BIL obviously didn't mean harm but that doesn't mean you are unjustifiably upset.
How you resolve this I'm not sure but if you need validation for how you feel then you have it from me.

I'm sure she looks pretty amazing with her hair as well.

[Guavafish1]

I have black hair... as a child I always wanted to fit in with other children who have straight sleek hair. My mum always styled my hair but it would still break loose.

It's only since I've been an adult I can appreciate my hair and style it myself.

Obviously you're BIL is wrong... but he won't be the first with those types of comments.

I would continue and encourage the positive feedback to your daughter, educate your BIL, and look at different styles your daughter would enjoy.

[Foreveraskingquestions]

She has been out with him on a few occasion and she has come back with a completely different hairstyle. I never thought anything about it before but now it’s made think.

[Jux]

I think you should have shut him off straight away with a "I love her hair thank you" and not bothered with anything more. A good snub speaks a thousand words and is more immediately effective.

[Jux]

@Foreveraskingquestions

She has been out with him on a few occasion and she has come back with a completely different hairstyle. I never thought anything about it before but now it’s made think.

Ah now this is something you need to have a calm conversation with him about.

[MoneyInTheBananaStand]

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to have a word with your BIL as per @FurAndFeathers suggestion

Whatever happened to if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all? No doubt he thinks it's just teasing but he obviously needs to be told that it is inappropriate. Which is sad because he should know this already and it's not 'sensitive' of you to be upset at all.

I'm sure your daughter's hair is beautiful and I hope that she grows to love it and be proud of herself.

[HazardaGuest]

You say nursery so presumably she is under school age. Why would anyone want a child that age to have a certain hairstyle? Completely boggles the mind.

[ImAvingOops]

What the bloody hell has it got to do with him anyway? She's your child not his! Tell him to bugger off.

People have to be careful what they say to kids - it's so easy to make them feel uncomfortable about their bodies.

[LakeTiticaca]

Tell him to keep his nosey beak out

[FurAndFeathers]

@Foreveraskingquestions

She has been out with him on a few occasion and she has come back with a completely different hairstyle. I never thought anything about it before but now it’s made think.

I’d be telling him that if her hair makes him so uncomfortable that he feels he needs to restyle it, then it’s probably best that he doesn’t take her out anymore, and that you’re raising her to be proud of her heritage, not to mask it to fit in with white ideals of beauty.

[Cozytoesandtoast00]

This brings back awful memories of my childhood ( I'm mixed)
Have a word with him in private and do not allow him to express these thoughts in front of her.

[squirrelslikenuts]

This is difficult. Different generations had different experiences of how their hair had to be to be considered tidy, especially girls. I know the fashion now is leave it free etc.

Luckily, with our hair depending on the length and type mine is 4c, there are various things you can do. Our hair needs moisture and if left free, can dry out and break. Especially in winter. Maybe, this is what he is worried about. However, he should have been more direct with you, and got permission to have her hair done.

There are so many different hairstyles that don't involve chemicals, with relatively easy steps. Look on-line so she can see how versatile her hair is.

Enjoy her hair journey.

[Reugny]

@squirrelslikenuts:He's not worried about her hair breaking - trust me.

He's imposing his ideas of what his niece's afro hair should look like due to his up bringing.

Has the OP said what her child's hair is like? Has the OP said she wants help in styling and/or looking after her child's hair?

[DeeCeeCherry]

You should have shut him down immediately. Your BIL? Where's her Dad, to tell his brother to shut up? Did you tell her Dad?

I can't fathom why this man, not being your partner/her father would approach you and say this. In fact why is she out with him and why is he styling her hair?! & Talking about soaking her hair/putting stuff in it? I cannot fathom such a situation nor the reason for it at all it sounds decidedly weird.

So you didn't ask him previously why he was restyling her hair? Do you know what he says to her about her hair?


squirrelslikenuts Its not 'difficult'. You're saying taming in an attempted 'diplomatic' way. But you're still saying it. OP has neither asked for haircare advice nor said she doesn't know how to manage her DD's hair.

[LadyKenya]

I am amazed that he is so invested in her hair OP. I hope he did not say any of this in earshot of her, laughing as well. I also do not understand why you have not questioned him about the numerous hairstyles that your daughter arrives home with, once she has been out with him. Who is messing with her hair? What are they saying in front of her, while doing it. Strange.

[IsItBedtimeYetNope]

What an arsehole he is. Shut this down before your daughter hears his nonsense. I still can't look at a bottle of Pantene without hearing the Year 9 bully shouting "frizzo, get some Pantene!" across the tennis courts at every opportunity. and everyone laughing.

[CatMattress]

Why is an adult male so invested in a toddler girls appearance anyway? I am, admittedly, stereotyping here, but most men would barely notice and those that did would be very wary of commenting. The fact he is makes this rather more overt and intrusive and I can't imagine any reason other than racism- I'm assuming he's white?

[LadyKenya]

He has made his feelings clear, I could imagine that he would say nothing positive to the little girl, with regards to her hair. It will be damaging to her self esteem. He may mean no harm, as the OP asserts, but it will harm her.

[Mochudubh]

Is BIL your partner's brother or your sister's partner? Either way, they need to back you up and speak to their brother/partner.

[Kittlbua]

Is he white?

Tell him he is not to make any comments about her hair and he is not to restyle her hair either. Who the hell does he think he is?

[CornedBeef451]

We're not black but DH is Indian and so DD has gorgeous ringlets and had very tight curls that grew straight out until she was three.

I have always reinforced how wonderful her hair is and stopped anyone taking about it negatively. We had occasional comments on how it needed a good brush, not realising that brushing it will do the exact opposite of calming it down!

I think you have to make it clear to him that he needs to back off and never mention her hair again unless it's to complement her.

[EmmaEmerald]

I find this shocking OP and that’s before your update about the visits and different hairdo. I’d be spitting my frizzy feathers! Firstly I’d be having a serious talk with him and then with the connection person. What next? My flabber is gasted.

[Starseeking]

I'd stop him taking her out alone, or spending significant amounts of time with her around you until he agrees not to mention anything about her hair. It's absolutely none of his business.

[GinIronic]

Why is he spending so much time with her? He sounds very judgemental.