Sending misbehaving child back home for secondary school

[Tobaiass22]

Hi everyone

Really struggling here with 11yr DS who keeps getting into trouble at school for silly behaviour

The school keep calling us, and I am scared that he may head to exclusion

School is strict catholic boys school who are strict re behaviour

I cannot believe that I am having to consider this but I am scared that he may end up in trouble without a radical change

We have little support in the UK and don't want to have him labelled as having ADHD etc as don't think the diagnosis will make much of difference

My family have an African background and wander whether a different context, less worries about racism etc will be a factor

So have you ever been in this position, had this happen to you and did it work?

I am thinking of having DS return ahead of 6th form if behaviour has improved

I found it interesting that you mentioned not wanting to have your son labelled with ADHD, which suggests a bit of negativity about it. Could that be the reason he’s acting up because he can’t concentrate for long periods? It seems like you need to exhaust that route before sending him away. As for thinking it won’t make a difference, if you can pay privately for some CBT or therapy maybe that could make a difference

Why wouldn't you want your child diagnosed with ADHD? They could then access the help and support they need, and instead of being labelled as the "naughty" kid, which sounds like has already happened, they would be able to have a better school life.

I’d look to moving him to a less strict school in the U.K. local to you before sending him away to another country. There are some schools that are not a good fit for every student. Your DS could benefit from a less formal school. I’d try that before taking the more drastic step of giving up on U.K. schools altogether.

If he does have ADHD, then avoiding getting him diagnosed with it is not going to stop him having it, and sending him away to school abroad is not going to stop him having it either. It doesn't have to mean medication, but the school will have specially trained teachers and you, he and the school will be able to look into strategies for understanding and managing his behaviour.

Also, nowadays there are many different medications. Not all are stimulants, if you did decide to go down that route.

I was diagnosed withADHD in my 30s and it has been life changing and incredibly positive.

My eldest used to get sent home a lot. He would class it as silly behaviour. It wasn’t. We went down the route of diagnosis which not only gave him a better understanding of himself but it also opened the doors for more help in school including a school that could meet his needs.

I abhor my parents for sending me away. They do so because they gave up on me as it was easier for them rather than looking at the reasons and actually doing some parenting.

If you think he has ADHD or something get him tested so he can get the support he needs. Be it home or UK. By sending him somewhere else, it won't make any issues like that change. Infact it could make things worse. We have support here please seek it. I understand your fears and worries and what his future could hold. But running away isn't a solution. If he has issues help him together as when he comes back he will still have issues and you will not of worked through them together

Interesting thread. Whilst I have no experience of schools ‘back home’, I do have experience of a son with adhd. Diagnosed very early in year 4. It took a couple of years for anything to be done about it as staff in school felt he was polite just very unfocused. We ended up getting a referral by our (Asian) GP and were lucky to get a CAMHS counsellor - a black woman. I mention race as I felt these were the only professionals prepared to invest time and energy into our son, a young black boy struggling to process information so was not doing his work at school. The struggle was clearly linked to his adhd.

I’d also make sure the school is supporting him. What are they doing? Is there a school mentor he can work with? The school needs to be offering him some support with his behaviour.

I would strongly advise getting him assessed, although it might take years to get a diagnosis. PUSH for it. Be relentless in your pursuit for a diagnosis if you feel that’s what it is. People will say he just needs to focus but there is no stigma attached to getting the help and support your child needs.

Good luck op.

If you have the money to send your DS to boarding school. Then you should, instead, spend that money on a private ADHD assessment and therapies which support him in managing his behaviour (look up executive functioning). Whether he goes back home or not, and if he is neurodivergent, he will struggle wherever he goes without the necessary support.