But you’re black….

[notanaturalmum]

It's happening a lot less these days but when it does it really annoys me. For context, I live in a leafy suburb with a few black families. Eg maybe 5 out of 60 in my sons year group at school.

Anyway, the house that backs onto ours has been empty for a few years. It's owned by a man who lives round the corner and last month he came to tell us that his son and wife were moving in.

Cut to today and I'm driving home and I see her unloading the car with stuff.

So I pull over, get out and go "hiya. I'm x, our garden backs onto yours, if you need anything etc"
She was fine saying lovely to meet you, let's have cuppa when we're settled etc. Just being normal.

And then her husband comes out and gives me the look and then the double take.

And I say hi I'm x (I have very English name). And you can see the cogs turning in his brain. I then said, I live just over there. And it was like his head exploded with confusion.

He literally looked me up and down (I was a bit scruffy but with a nice handbag). And I could just see him thinking. 'But she's black'

And I was a bit put out. It's ages since I've had that feeling. But you can tell can't you.

Just wanted to rant really because I thought things were changing.


Anybody else still get the look from people they meet for the first time?

[Cascais]

You don't know what he was thinking

[SpindleSheWrote]

This board exists primarily for the use of Black Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

Mumsnet Talk Guidelines

[notanaturalmum]

I thought somebody might say this.

I've been around long enough to know the difference.

I can tell, I don't know how I can, but I can.

And like I said, it's not happened for a while. So when it does, I can tell.


I doubt I have self esteem issues - if I did, then introducing myself to brand new neighbours might not be something I would do.

Nonetheless I posted this story as I wondered if anybody else ever felt the same thing. I was hoping someone might go -YES this happens to me too.

I know I can’t possibly know what he was thinking but I feel like I do.

I’m still going to be a good neighbour. Turns out out kids are similar ages so who knows, we might all end up being friends.

[Maurepas]

You clearly know what's what regarding mind reading OP. I wish I did too!

[grapehyacinthisactuallyblue]

I'm not black, but Asian. This just came up on active.
When I moved to where we live, there was a elderly couple across the street who I thought was looking at me in funny way.
I found out I was totally getting it wrong. They were the most lovely neighbour anyone wish to have.

Yes, they maybe thinking what you thought they were thinking. But maybe not. Give them a chance. Don't judge if you don't want to be judged.

[RenegadeMatron]

I believe you, OP.

Sorry about the responses you’re getting. And for the encounter.

[FreezerBird]

For what it's worth, OP, I think previous posters are being disingenuous. Of course you can read it when someone is a bit taken aback by you in some way, and if it's an experience you've had before for a particular reason, you get to recognise it.

I'm white, but used to work in male dominated workplace. I have an unusual name so when people met me for the first time having only seen my name written down (often with just the initial rather than the full first name) there was often a very obvious 'but you're a woman!' moment.

Of course you recognise it.

[MichonnesBBF]

Aww! Op sorry the first few replies have been a bit shitty...

Only you know exactly how this played out and the initial impression he has left on you...

[Throwawaytoday]

I'm not black, but this was on Active.

I totally believe you, in the same way I can tell when a person gives me that look that says 'but...you're a woman' (I have a unisex name and work in a senior role in a male dominated industry).

I introduce myself to many people most working days, and I don't usually encounter the 'but...you're a woman' vibe so I know it's not personal insecurity - but when I do encounter it, I know it!

[jenny91x]

I believe you too OP.
And as a PP has said, apologies for the responses you're getting on here.

[Anotherdayanotherdisappointment]

I'm Asian but passing. From the outside I look like a typical middle class white lady. But my husband is Ghanaian. Especially at work, with people that have known me a little while and obviously built up their perceptions of me I see it all the time. The eyes kind of bulge and you see them trying to stop their mouth gaping open. I have had a few "I wouldn't have expected you to be married to a black man" comments before but (luckily?) not for a good 10 years or so. You can tell when they're biting their tongue not to say it though.

[Anotherdayanotherdisappointment]

And to the PP. Yes you can absolutely tell. It's not mind reading ffs. It's body language and expression.

[Mookie81]

I'm assuming you're not black or an ethnic minority.
You can tell when this kind of thing happens to you, stop minimising something you (I assume) have absolutely no personal experience of.

[tamarinda]

please try not to let people (often white) make you second guess yourself about others' intentions. you've lived in a black body your entire life and you KNOW when something is off, trust your instincts. I'm not black but I am brown and I very much know the feeling, and how irritating it is to hear people gaslight you into thinking otherwise!

[grapehyacinthisactuallyblue]

But why the judgement? I know from my experience that people judge you, or have views that are not very nice. But falling into their(the people who judge you, I know there are people like that exist) level and assuming won't help anyone?

What I learned over the years is there are nice people and not nice people. You can tell with time who you should trust. But not the first impression, ime.

[notanaturalmum]

@Anotherdayanotherdisappointment

I'm Asian but passing. From the outside I look like a typical middle class white lady. But my husband is Ghanaian. Especially at work, with people that have known me a little while and obviously built up their perceptions of me I see it all the time. The eyes kind of bulge and you see them trying to stop their mouth gaping open. I have had a few "I wouldn't have expected you to be married to a black man" comments before but (luckily?) not for a good 10 years or so. You can tell when they're biting their tongue not to say it though.

I know what you mean about the eyes bulging. And you can see them willing themselves not to say anything.
I can’t believe people used to say that to you. How on earth did you reply? I’m glad that you haven’t had those comments for a while.
Thankyou for your response and also to the more recent PPs. Makes me feel better 😀

[Sally090807]

This

[Staynow]

At least the wife was lovely OP, hopefully she'll point out to him that he behaved in a very rude manner.

[grapehyacinthisactuallyblue]

And you can see them willing themselves not to say anything.

Is this a bad thing? If they are biting their tongue, that indicate they know they are wrong to think or feel that way. Anyone who has no respect wouldn't bother, don't you think?

[PatAndFrank]

How can you know what he or anyone was thinking?? You can made assumptions but to say I know what he was thinking is a bizarre claim

[TimeAfterTime1]

I am sorry you experienced this in bloomin' 2022. 💐I hope she gave him a 'look' and/or a good conversation took place.
If he gaffes like I do, then hopefully he'll check himself from now on. Fingers crossed they're lovely neighbours.
As for the small-minded, goady comments? Ah, not gonna bother. Not worth it.

[restedbutexhausted]

Wow it's almost like half of the PPs have no idea what a racial micro aggression looks like to the recipient

[Anotherdayanotherdisappointment]

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue

And you can see them willing themselves not to say anything.

Is this a bad thing? If they are biting their tongue, that indicate they know they are wrong to think or feel that way. Anyone who has no respect wouldn't bother, don't you think?

Yes it's a bad thing. The thought or feeling shouldn't be there in the first place.