Am I being unreasonable chickening out of festival and asking friend to take DD?

[marjoram]

I am currently having sleepless nights regarding The Big Green Gathering which we are supposed to go to on 1st Aug for 5 days. My instinct is telling me to stay away from the portaloos (which I will be needing pretty much constantly) and the food stalls (which will make me heave). The problem is more compicated however. My friend and her family also booked after me when they knew I was going so we could share the childcare. My DD and her DD are very good friends. If we do not go my DD will be very upset as she has been looking forward to it. So, as I am out of my tiny pregnancy mind, I asked my mate if she would consider taking my DD with her. Her and her partner gave me a reluctant yes(their words). But now I feel very guilty for even asking....what a lot of pressure to put on someone. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I do not want to let anyone down but DP says I come first ( even tho he has said he might still go with his friend (but not my daughter) if we cannot sell the tickets. And what do I say to DD if we do not go? It's too early to really tell her about pregnancy. I just do not know what to do. If anybody has any ideas, please let me know.

I'm thinking now. He is always happy to run errands for me, tells me I'm a great parent and he loves me because I'm this and that etc. He is supportive of choices I make, mostly. He has now clarified to me that he wouldn't go to the festival without me. I think he just needs to grow up in terms of adult relationships (he is 36 mind).Yes, I know about the leaving me thing but he also thinks that getting married is a bigger commitment than having kids, I disagree.I'm not sure where I can go from here in terms of resolving things. He does not like to talk about rows we've had as he thinks they are in the past but I think the issues have not been resolved. Btw, no arguing goes on in front of DD,

Running errands does not make up for threatening to leave you whenever you say or do something he doesn't like.
He sounds quite controlling.
Is he a lot older than you?

No, I'm 33. Yes, I agree running errands is hardly the bedrock of a solid relationship. He is coming over later and I think I'll write down a few things which are important to me, like not being threatened with being left if I get too upset after he says things to me. Or not being threatened with being left full stop. Because he doesn't live here, the bulk of the chores is down to me but he doesn't see why he should do my chores. I think I'll ask him for more help while I'm this wiped out. I have till March till the baby is born (fingers crossed all will be well) and I'm hopeful we can cover a lot of ground in this time. My best friend shares the same concerns as you, btw.

And Audrey, you hit the nail on the head, he does have issues with control. Possibly beause he was left with absolutely none during his childhood and early adolescence.

Only read the OP but the Big Green Gathering is the most fantastic festival ever. No-one goes for the loos, but as far as festivals go these are fine. If you're really that concerned about them why not bring a camping loo of your own. They're cheap in Argos.

It's such an incredible and fabulous festival (I've been to 3 BGGs) that you really will be missing out.

GO. You'll thank me loads for this post if you do go.

I am sure a very frank and honest conversation will be useful.
I also think a few ground rules about how he behaves in your home will help, ie: do NOT threaten to leave every time something does not go your way / contribute financially / step up to the role of stepfather to your DD.
I wish you all the best for a happy and peaceful pregnancy.

Thank you guys for your messages of support. I have taken on board everything you have said. I'm going to give it a week until I make up my mind for good about the festival and we'll be having a frank honest conversation with DP tonight. That's if I don't start sobbing due to blooming hormones.

just to say, im training to be a counsellor as well and if he wants to become one, he needs to get these issues sorted out first. if he is training person centred, talk to him about your conditions of worth and tell him you need some empathy! they do grow up fast once they see baby , in the main. good luck and look after yourself x

Because in the main he is a loving and kind man. He has a few issues to sort out tho, but so do a lot of people. I think he'll be a great dad and supportive of me. We just need to iron out a couple of things.

Yes, I will. And if he doesn't like it, he can sod off He does say that I and Sesame Seed (embryo) come first which is a good start. I feel in turns hopeful and despondent. Possibly as a result of the hormones.

the other note of caution is to be aware that the training to be a counsellor is notorious for putting strains on relationships. The journey is incredibly hard for trainee counsellors with much introspection and examining of existing relationships. You need to be fairly strong as a couple to deal with it (on both sides).

Agree with what others have said. This isn't reallt just as simple as should you go to the festival or not, is it?

Lots of luck x

Hello filtymindedvixen(great name). Yes, I know that trainng to be a counsellor is going to be extremely hard but he has had 2 years ongoing psychotherapy. (which has been tough) I'm actually looking forward to him training because then I feel he will learn more about communication and valuing other peoples' views even if you don't personally agree with them. I'm hoping everything will turn out ok, whatever happens both this coming child and my DD will be utterly adored and looked after to the best of my abilities.

If you can get through the counselling training, I reckon you'll have a lovely life together. A partner who knows how to listen!!

yes, that sounds lovely doesn't it! And I'm positive we can do it. We have a deep connection which if nurtured will see us through, I'm sure. I've just been informed that when he gets here, I should go to bed for a lie down as I'm so tired today. So that bodes well!