MARTIANS 2014 - Thread 8: Scans done, bumps showing, first flutters

[MTBMummy]

Old thread

Ha lumpy in my more vulnerable moments I've wished for something serious but not life threatening, like appendicitis. Because I'm a SAHM my kids aren't in nursery or anything so my reasoning was I'd have to be hospitalised to get a proper "rest"! Once in hospital I'd milk it a bit to stay for a bit longer and get DH to bring in subway sandwiches for me. I've got it all worked out

Pramalamb there's no way I'd view houses without DH, far too much responsibility! How come he's not been able to go with you today? He sees his lad on Saturdays doesn't he?
Get thee home and do anything you can to calm down - bath, takeaway, shag, whatevs - you sound so stressed, I really feel for you. I've been crazy with pregnancy hormones recently and that's without a post ADs come down. I can't remember, are you still on a low dose? I have a friend who continued with a low dose of ADs throughout pregnancy (weirdly she too was going through the hell of moving house!).

Yeah, Pirates, he is at his son's eighth birthday party far, far away (you remember the £100 bike debacle, right?) He cannot view house during the week as he doesn't get home until 7.30pm and the houses are twenty-odd miles away in my home town. That leaves Saturdays when he sees his son. What is making all this shit more difficult is that we don't own a car and so I am travelling on several trains and buses to come here to my home town to view houses alone. I have walked around for five hours today criss-crossing this town to look at places. I'm fucked-off. I don't even want to live here. I hate this town.

Can I ask those who will be having input from their mothers after the birth and beyond: exactly how much will I need/want my mum? Is it really necessary for me to move to be near her (remember we don't have a car, DH works 12 hr days and sees his son Saturdays and I will not be able to just jump on several trains and buses with baby to get to mum's for help)? Is it possible I will cope without having to live near her?

Pram, when my first was born my mum lived over an hour away. I get irritated with her if she's around too much so I was happy with the amount I saw her (once a week). We both drive, which made things easier. When DS1 was tiny XP worked long hours, rarely home before 8pm, and I managed fine. Same when DS2 was born. I got used to the long days. It help if you have stuff to do in the day, baby groups etc, so you don't feel isolated, lonely and desperate for adult company.

Can you look into getting a car, now H is no longer gambling? Then you would have more freedom over where to live.

When I had my first, my mum lived 5 hours away. She came to stay for about 3 weeks from birth, she cooked, cleaned and told me how to keep him alive! She went home for a bit then came back for another few weeks. I had problems post-birth with infected stitches so I couldn't do a great deal, and was also an emotional mess as my pa had just died. DH's mum also helped when my mum was at home.
After a couple of months I felt more confident and then mum just visited whenever she wanted to see us, or rather, the baby!
DD was a lot easier, second baby and we'd really have been fine without any help apart from having my mum look after DS whilst I was in hossie.
My mum has now moved up to London to spend more time with us which feels like such a luxury. (much easier to get on with her now too!)
I think it depends - would you be going back work, would your mum be part of your child care plan?

Oh fucking hell fire! My dad just rang to say that he is banging on my door and shouting through my letterbox ready to give me a lift 'home'. He thinks the row I have had is with DH, not my mum! He is fucking miles away at the wrong house

Thank you, Lyra & Pirates for your input. My mum is unwell with sensory neuropathy which means she has constant pain in her hands and feet and stumbles and falls a lot and has little strength. I wonder how much help she would actually be. Lyra, we need to move anyway due to our home being bulldozed and so buying a car as well is impossible. Pirates, I won't be going to work - at least not until baby is at school. I'm so confused about what to do.

Doesn't sound like your mum will be much practical help. Are there properties for rent where you live now and how do they compare price-wise to your hometown? And have you looked into council housing? Having your home demolished should surely make you a high priority.

Prambo my mum lives 4 hours drive away. She came down for 4/5 days when DS was about 10 days old - just before DH's paternity leave finished. It means they have to stay with us when they visit which is a bit full on. I love my parents very much but they drive me nuts after a few days. Especially as my dad didn't really get it at first and expected it to be like other visits where he sat on his arse, had drinks fetched for him and was entertained. A bit of a shock for him when I asked him to peel the veg for tea.

If your home town is such an arse to get to, how will your OH get to work if you move there? TBH, if it was me I'd rather DH got home earlier than having mum on the doorstep. Could you move so it's only one bus ride away, a nearby town or whatever? So you're not too close and in each other's hair?

Hope you get home safely by the way.

I'm feeling blue about clothes. I returned almost all the maternity clothes I bought last week and have a very limited wardrobe. Everything you can buy classed as 'work wear' seems to be in jersey fabric. I need to be smart for work (proper smart, suit smart) and those jersey wrap dresses just won't cut it.

It was summer when I was big for DS, none of those clothes are suitable bar the odd top.

I lost a lot of weight on maternity leave with DS and went down 2 dress sizes. So I kept some of my old suits and just got them down from the loft. The skirts are ok, they'll go over the bump. But the trousers and jackets look awful. Too big across the arse/shoulders.

I'm going to have to bite the bullet and pay £150 for a jacket and £120 for a dress from Isabella Oliver, aren't I?

Just read that back - really not meant to be a stealth boast. £150 is a lot of money for us. Just feeling glum at the prospect of looking like a sack of spuds at work.

pram you sound super stressed, what a shite time you are having. I hope you find the perfect house very soon. As for needing your mum, well I didn't have mine around and I've coped fine. I have lovely family, but none of them help me, so really I've done it alone with ds, and then with dh since he was 6 months old. You can do it, you're a strong woman!!

On another note, my neighbour is beginning to take the piss. A few weeks ago her freezer died so I agreed when she asked to keep her meat in my freezer till she got a new freezer in a few days. Well, they got a freezer that was actually a fridge. How you wouldn't notice that on purchase I don't know. Then they got an actual freezer that didn't work. Then today she came round and said she had to go out, their freezer was being delivered between 3 and 8, could I let them in and she would be back well before 8. It's now almost 8, neither the freezer, nor my neighbour have appeared. She had better get home soon and take her keys back cos I am tired and pissed off!

I'm with ice I'd opt for DH to be home earlier rather than dm being on the doorstep. Definitely investigate council housing pram and options to move half way between current town and home town.

It sounds like your mother would be good for emotional support but less so for the physical support such as cleaning which means location is less important. You can easily access emotional support on the phone. Where does your sister live, will she be much help?

My family also live over 4hrs away and have to stay with us when they visit. It's lovely if its 1-2 nights but anything more is hard work. I love my family dearly but I've come to realise I also love my own space. As they're not close by I was forced to just get on with it and I managed fine. I did throw myself into lots of baby groups so I could get out of the house and have a normal adult conversation, some groups/activities were lovely and we still go to them, others so were just too awful so we dropped those.

I hope you find something suitable soon pram

Sending a hug to pram and a huge kick up the arse to Mummy's neighbours.
My lovely neighbours just moved I miss them. They were so good.

Ice have you tried JoJo for clothes? My old boss had a load of lovely suit style maternity clothes from there - but that was about 4 years ago. Hope u find something that doesn't cost a fortune.

Dh has just said we can go and look at baby stuff 2moro!!! Really excited now!!!

Have you looked at seraphine ice? If its good enough for the Duchess of Cambridge it's gotta be good enough for work. I really like their dresses and they're cheaper than Isabella Oliver.

I like my neighbour, she is nice, but she does seem to ask a lot of people. She has twin girls a few months older than dd so we have things in common, but she's very different to me. I can't say no and struggle to ask favours, whereas she thinks the world owes her a favour.

Piss takers are annoying, aren't they, Mummy. I suspect she wouldn't get the hint if you acted a bit annoyed when she asked for favours and would carry on asking regardless.

My boys are home now and we're chilling out watching crap Saturday night telly.

I'm stocking up on Seraphine and Isabella Oliver stuff from ebay why am I telling the competition? and since I don't need any of it yet, I'm being patient and not spending more than £10 on each item. Got a lovely Seraphine top for 99p.

Ok now I am really annoyed. I text her to say the freezer had not been delivered. She replied saying she won't be back till 11, hope that's ok to collect the keys! I said I will be asleep by then, where can I leave the keys for her. There is no way I'm staying up till then, and she shouldn't be keeping two 3 year olds out till then either. They dont have a car so god knows how they will get back. Argh I'm cross!

Magpie, thanks for the tip

Only joking. I don't need work clothes. I intend to spend this whole pregnancy in my new super-comfy over-bump leggings and big tops.

pram my mum lives 45mins away and its perfect. I'd hate to have her too close popping in all the time. The support I've needed had always been advice and just someone to chat to. That can be done over the phone. Hope you're ok.

prammy I'm moving to be near my mum but we are very close and she's the only person i would ever 100% rely on, no exceptions, but I'm also moving to be near where i want to live and where my friends are so it's sort of a happy coincidence really and makes it an easy choice. id choose that reason over my mum if we didnt have the relationship we do so its all personal preference i think, i also have no dcs so don't have any experience of that yet!

it might be that the mix of pressure of finding a house, then doing it alone, stress of the bike, lowering the ad dose, dh being silly, and general all round pregnancy stress making it more tense? you might find once things settle down your relationship is easier naturally and that you want her around more perhaps? do you think thats likely? what about your sister?

sorry to hear about the clothes ice - haven't even bothered after seeing the lack of success everyones had so far! yuod think someone would see the gap in the market, as its not like the world will run out of a customer base if its pregnant women, and you make decent maternity clothes... maybe one of our more creative martians could start something

oh also on the mum thing, my mum is not 'mumsy' at all, more like a sister, so i can probably deal with being around all the time because she's not the sort to be intrusive at all or pop round and just lets me get on with it. in fact I'm usually the one annoying her by being a bit too much at times haha

Got my Down's risk back today, is says ''low chance'', but no actual numbers like you lot seem to have got.

Has anybody not got a 1: somethingorother on their letter?

I am beyond sleepy today. I think I've been awake for 3 hours or something. The rest of the time I have been napping. The baby must be growing something hard going like its thigh bones or something at the moment to sap me of so much bloody energy!

Hotcross, I got an actual figure, 1:370, as well as a classification of "low risk". I think that's the norm.

Thank you so, so much for sharing your regimes and family stuff. I really appreciate hearing it. I think I am panicking at worst case scenarios when the baby arrives. Who says I will need my mum on hand 25/7? Who says I need a fucking car? We need to move house and that comes first but I think to move somewhere with such dire memories is going to be a psychological step back for me. Can I really get council housing when DH works? I very much doubt it. Who asked about my sister? She's a twat. Actually, she isn't, she just makes me feel inadequate and like I am a bad person for having the personality I do. I have only come to this realisation since I got sober. I have realised that she loves me but doesn't actually like me very much. I won't bore you....

Th'usband is now home and I have wailed and snotted on him. He says we are moving to Chorley (there - I've outed myself) to be near mum. he said I ill need someone to look after baby when I go for walks down the canal to drown myself

A couple of you mentioned DH working shorter hours. I wish. This is his first employment since leaving rehab and it is an unrewarding and arduous fucker of a job that doesn't pay much. But I'm very proud of him and he is, unfortunately, stuck with it until his CV looks decent enough for him to move on to summat else. I won't bore you...

I've upped my tablets, snogged my fella and fed the cats; I feel miles better. I can't thank you enough for reading and helping xx