IVF to tell or not to tell?

[CMGC]

I’m just wondering about people that have undergone IVF to have their baby, (currently going through it myself) did you tell people after the birth that it was IVF? On one side I don’t want that to be the focus of my child’s origin story or my birth announcement/pregancy but on the other hand I want to be open as I struggled so much with deciding whether to go for IVF because very few people talked about it or share their infertility journeys and I want to help others and normalise infertility more. Would love others opinions on this

A friend was very open about her assisted conception journey, using donor eggs for medical reasons. The minute that the baby was born, she never spoke of it again, and to my knowledge the child (now a teenager) still doesn't know their origin - but of course, all the old friends and acquaintances do, and I am terrified for my friend, but mainly for her child, that it will accidentally come out one day.
My feeling is that while you don't need to announce IVF alongside the pregnancy or birth, it's a high stakes thing to keep it secret.

It's entirely up to you. People who make children the traditional way don't just announce we had sex. Whatever works for you and the support you need is the right way.

Yeah that makes sense especially when it’s donor eggs. Luckily it’s my husband and I going through it so a little less complex than that.

We didn’t advertise we were having IVF, only close family/friends knew, even less people knew on our 2nd round, which was successful, then our pregnancy was treated like any other and we didn’t focus on it, after 6 years we wanted to forget and focus on actually having a baby. DS is now 20 and he does know but again we have never made a big deal out of it, we just felt he needed to know.

I tell people if it comes up but don’t usually just randomly offer the info. My teenage DS has always known and he occasionally tells people too.

We had ivf to have our first baby. I am open about it. It’s not really the focus of my birth story but I am open about the fact we needed help.

I have a child through IVF. At the time I told absolutely no one - even my parents. I kept it that way for a very long time, mainly as we planned to try again with IVF and I didn’t want anyone knowing that either.

Our family is complete now and I do talk about it fairly openly, when it’s relevant to a conversation. I don’t tell people as if it’s a big important announcement but if we are talking about something related I will often mention it. So now some friends know and some don’t. But it doesn’t feel like a bit deal any more.

When they start asking how babies are made I will need to navigate that and I’ll tell the truth.

From my experience I think it’s important to be open about it if you can. IVF and fertility struggles shouldn’t be taboo and your openness might help someone else who is also going through it and allows others to support you if you go through it again.

If its donor eggs the child should probably be told, at an appropriate age.

No, it is private, and if anything the child themselves should know first, before extended family and acquaintances and God forbid social media.

I agree with this, IVF and miscarriage are very common, and should be spoken about as a normal part of life. But equally jf you don’t want to share; you don’t have to. Assuming you would tell your child at some point though; obv they might then share with others. I’d personally think easier to just share from the start/

Why is IVF a high stakes thing to keep secret? I understand your example but that’s totally different as the child’s mum doesn’t share any dna with the child. IVF isn’t like tht at all, I can’t imagine any child being upset about finding out they were IVf, if anything, it just shows how wanted they were

What happens when child decides to go on ancestry when they are older? All children should be told about their origins at an appropriate age, to not do so makes it an unhealthy secret.

@Beaton234 Absolutely evil not to tell a child that they were conceived via donor egg/sperm.

I am adopted, was adopted as baby. Can’t remember never not knowing. Teenage is far too late to have not told them.

Why would you be terrified? It is not nearly significant enough for this!

I don’t think it’s high stakes generally, I doubt most people would care if they were conceived through IVF. I think the fact your friend used a donor egg makes a massive difference, and I think she’s really wrong for not telling her teen about that. And I agree that it would be awful if one of the many other people who know accidentally let slip.

Almost no-one knew before I was pregnant that we had been trying for years and that I had to have IVF but once I was pregnant and far enough along to be ready to share that we also told people it was an IVF pregnancy. If people asked questions I was happy to share more information. Now teen DS knows, but I don't think it makes any difference to him.

@Snugglemonkey it is significant to the child born via donor egg

I am a dad and we had IVF. Due our circumstances it was blatantly obvious we were struggling to conceive so the decision to keep it secret wasn’t really an option.

We met loads of couples who had IVF and kept it a secret. Are openness brought a lot out of the woodwork and it worked out well for us. It would say it’s not for everyone and you shouldn’t feel pressure to help others as IVF is pressure enough.

What we hadn’t banked on was our second was conceived out of the blue without IVF. So we have one with and one without and initially was worried if it would be an issue. Turns out due to a bedtime origin story it’s brought then close together but something we hadn’t considered.

I had twins by IVF. Once people start asking:

1. Are they identical? Are they fraternal? Do they look very different?
2. Do twins run in your family?
3. Is there a secret bond between them?

I tell them, no - they are fraternal twins, born by IVF! No, they look quite different. One had white hair at birth, and the other black. No, there isn’t a secret bond!

I don’t see what the big secret is? I couldn’t keep the fact I had 4 miscarriages secret from family and friends, when I felt devastated at what to me, was the death of a child. Anyway, I told DS at the time, his brothers and sisters had gone to heaven. When DS was asked, as an only child, if he wanted brothers and sisters, he was likely to tell them that.

I told the twins at five, they had born by IVF, because they started asking why I had two babies in my tummy, and how did they get there? I told them a seed and an egg were mixed together in a dish, then squirted into my tummy. DD1 was having periods at age 10, so I had to explain that to her.

Completely up to you my first child was a natural conception but my second was ivf. I didn’t tell a single sole he is ivf but will tell him when he is older probably . I just don’t want to discuss it with people though some of my friends knew I was struggling with infertility. I’ve been through enough already and found infertility very very traumatic so I don’t really want to discuss it with anyone it’s really none of their business in my opinion. I do admire people who speak openly about it but that’s just not for me personally.

It shouldn’t be taboo but it’s completely personal choice . I certainly didn’t fancy people asking me how I found it and how I found the injections or the procedure etc . I just didn’t want people knowing my personal business . I also lost a baby that I conceived naturally at 11 weeks after seeing him wriggling around on a scan at 10 weeks . It was a really low point in my life and I just seemed to see pregnant women everywhere constantly after that and it was a huge decision to eventually have the ivf. Talking about it brings back really dark memories for me. I think that it’s absolutely fine if you don’t want to tell people.

I think it needs to be normalised more!!!!

I agree here so wouldn’t be as traumatic I think. But then it’s hard as well

It is hard, but then you would be helping women such as myself who is in a similar boat. Not everyone’s conception journey is natural and straight forward and I wish it was spoken about.