How does grieving work? Does time really heal?

[bubble99]

It's been almost six months since my healthy, full-term twin son died during a botched labour. I understand the seven stages of grief and I know that the final stage is usually acceptance.

I've been rumbling along fairly well for the last six months. I have two older boys and my little surviving twin, Elijah, has kept me busy. Yesterday evening, while doing the washing-up I started to cry.....and cry.....and cry. The pain was intense. I was picturing my lost little lad's face and I kept thinking and wondering what he would have been like now, if he'd lived. He was a perfect 7lb7oz baby. Not a little scrap who would have stood no chance of survival anyway. He was a little boy who should have been. And the only reason he isn't with me is because other people didn't or couldn't do their job properly.

Has anyone else been through the grief of losing a child through negligence? I feel desperately sorry for anyone who has lost a child through miscarriage or 'natural' stillbirth, and I'm not suggesting that the pain is less acute. But I'm finding the combination of grief and anger, because he should have been born almost too much to bear.

Is this going to hit me so hard at regular intervals for months and years to come? Does the anger diminish? I can almost cope with the grief but the needlessness of his death and the anger caused, is worse.

Thanks misdee. Thanks all. It's good to talk, and thanks for listening.

Bubble,
there is so little I can say - except that the best advice I have ever had for loss is 'you don't get over it but you do get further away from it'. The pain does become blunted.

I cannot imagine what it is like to be in your position.

I'm so sorry.

anytime luv. this must be so hard, and i dont think many of us can even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Hey, MI. Shouldn't you be working on the next inferiorette at the moment?

Bubble, as SM said you do have the most wicked sense of humour. It's lovely to see on here. And I'm counting on you being at the xmas meet up cause I can't wait to meet you. Please look after yourself carefully. xxx

apologies bubble but I haven't read the whole thread. Neither have I suffered the same great loss as you but my dh died 3 years ago. All I can say for me personally is that the intensity of my grief hasn't diminished really but the frequency of it has if that makes sense. When it hits, it can hit hard but those times are less frequent now thankfully.

Bubble, cant begin to imagine how you feel, but in response to the thread title - i dont think time HEALS as such, i think it helps though. I am still grieving for my mum who died last summer and although it has got easier, i dont feel anywhere near healed yet. Everything is still quite raw, as well as flashbacks which really arent helping the situation.

I hope you (and I) find some peace soon x

HI Bubble - I haven't lost a child, but my eldest son is vaccine damaged (we believe anyway- by thimerosal- whicn has now been removed incidentlally). He will never live independently and I don't think he will ever talk (he's 6 now).

Having seen a friend lose a child at 3 (naturally) and having spoken to her a lot I have found that although her loss is obviously more intense than mine- we have been through the same sort of process and have the same sort of triggers that set us off. She said that I understand what she's going through (as does her sister with a disabled child) because the process is so similar.

All I can say is yes I think you do get to a stage where the anger does diminish. For me it was a bit surprising- thimerosal was removed from the jabs and a givt spokesman came on and said it was nothing to do with the "theoretical" risk of autism- it was perfectly safe blah blah. And at that stage all the anger went- I felt it literally leave my body. I knew then that they will never admit to it and so got that (awful American term) "closure" I guess.

I still feel very sad about what happened - but I don't feel raw now. Seeing families of 3 boys of similar ages to my 3 having familiy time together out and about hits me in the stomach still, and I suspect for you seeing twins the same age as yours will always set you off. BUt its not as raw. I don't think you can ever expect to lose the feeling of it hitting you, but it will happen less frequently and it will be less intense. I promise you that.

Don't expect miracles though- I think it does stay with you- but you build your life around your grief and it get contained and is part of you. This is what my friend who lost her little boy said and she is definitely doing that (building her life around her grief).

Oh one other thing- if certain situation upset you- or certain people- don't go- don't feel like you should be able to cope with anything. If you can't, you can't- and don't put yourself through it.

I'm the last person to give any advice, because I really can't see any light and definitely no end to the tunnel...
I think of you often. XxX

(((((((((Bubble)))))))))

I lost my daughter when I was 6 mths pg in April this year,cause unknown.Reading your story I wept for you and your loss.

To loose a child when it could and should have been avoided must be very difficult to come to terms with and as he was a twin you will always have a reminder of what could have been.

As for grief I never went along with the stages thing.

I lost my dear grandfather 20 years ago then grandmother 6 years later both with cancer and saw terrible suffering. I found the pain unbearable and thought this was as bad as it could get.
Then 6 years ago I lost my mum aged only 52 again to cancer and again witnessed terrible suffering that took everything from me.I then had a breakdown.

I miss them still so much especially mum as I felt robbed,she had so much life left to live.Loosing mum felt that part of me had died,that part of my heart had been ripped out.
I could not imagine feeling grief any worse than this.

Then I lost my child.The grief for this is OVERWHELMING.There are no rules,no expectations.I am fortunate to have a 21mth old girl who without I would curl up and die.But I can go days feeling ok then have those kitchen sink moments when I think of the daughter I lost and remember her sad,sleeping face.I could scream ITS NOT FAIR.

Dont expect too much of yourself.Theres no magic time.The important thing is to talk about it (this site is great for that and the ladies here are real angels)

I think the pain fades eventally but its always there.I suppose its like loosing your legs.You miss them but somehow you would learn to get up and carry on.Hope that did not sound stupid,sometimes its hard to describe xxxxxxxxxx

thinking of you and your angel xxxxxx

I lost my 4 year old son 3 years ago after a long battle with a brain tumour that spread to his spine. I don't think there are any rules to grieving and I certainly don't believe that time heals - I think it's a silly phrase that people use when they dont know what else to say.
Time certainly teaches us things like living a new way of life - different from before, it helps us to learn to deal with things but I don't think you can ever be healed from losing a child - it's just not supposed to happen this way.
When I look back I see how far I've come in my long journey with grief but when the bad times come they are just as bad as they ever were.
One of the hardest things for me is the suffering he went through - and innocent child still only two years old when he was diagnosed and he knew so much pain and suffering. He dealt with it so well and so bravely as only a child can.
I'm so sorry for your loss and all your losses on here. I started an online group after my son died and that helped me as it gave me something else to focus on too.
Sarah x

Chocolatepeanut - I love this >>>
I think the pain fades eventally but its always there.I suppose its like loosing your legs.You miss them but somehow you would learn to get up and carry on.Hope that did not sound stupid,sometimes its hard to describe xxxxxxxxxx

thinking of you and your angel xxxxxx

Jimjams is thimerosal the mercury element?
We didn't let Isobel have that (16 months) as we'd read such bad reports about it, she's not had her MMR yet either - still debating that one, but if she does have it she will be over two when I think her immune system may be more able to cope with it.
Sarah again - reading all the threads backwards - sorry!

bubble, you know my story, i lost my son sam at 26 weeks, due to placental abruption, the anger, etc, i have dealt with but i still grieve now, i think what he would have been like, 15 years old in n ovember,but, i can never imagine how you must feel to lose a child in the circumstances you did, i wish i could say something more constructive but i cant, but you are an amazing person, the way you have dealt with this..its a cliche, but time does heal, although obviously you will never forget, i think there will come a time(it did with me), when you realise that the feelings of loss, anger etc, will be less intense.
{{hugs}}

this is from someone extemely close to me that has lost the most important people to him and this is what they said in response to your post:

"I don't think that anger is the problem. I don't think that you can conquer grief. I don't know about the anger cause i've never felt that anger that you must feel. I don't think in my experience that there is an accommodation to be made with grief or that it can be managed.

I think that the grief is forever.

My cod-psychological view of this is that the anger is an easy way of avoiding the grief. The permanence of that loss, the best way of avoiding something is....there is no answer to someone dying and the quickest and easiest survival strategy is to focus on something else.

Time passes. And I think you get to a point when you stop trying to hide from it. And this is where we part ways as you had nine months of living with that person whereas I lived with that person for 15 years. It stops hurting as keenly but it still hurts and sometimes hurts more than when the person died.

I have felt more hurt at that person dying since, than i ever did when she died.

i think what happens is, that I realised that it wasn't ever going to stop: and that somehow made it better.

I also realised that my pain wasn't going to help...I think I realised that suffering wasn't a way to honour that person's life. Cause if they were still there then they would feel awful for that, they would feel pain for having caused you that pain. If you can go on and eventually feel happy and find new things; that is the way of making them feel ok with their fate. If that little baby can look down on his mum and dad and brother that never were, and see them getting on with their lives then somehow maybe his afterlife is sweeter........"

and this very very extremely dear person to me, sort of doesn't want me to post their thoughts...but i think they are true. so i think i will.

its so hard to think of the right words to say to such a tragic event in somebodys life.
i lost my first baby at 14 weeks-a week after my first scan- cause unknown. i know it isnt on par with your loss bubble but i feel that i can empathise with a small part of your pain. it does get easier to deal with but it never feels any better. (if that makes sense). i felt better at the time talking to people who had been through the same/similar experiences and i feel it has helped me to move on.
im a big believer in angels and things like that- i feel that whenever i think about my lost baby is when it is visiting me. the ones we lose never really leave us. i believe that they stay to watch over us and guide us if we need it. your angel is by your side always xxxx
im so sorry for your loss {{{}}}

Sophable wrote >>>If that little baby can look down on his mum and dad and brother that never were, and see them getting on with their lives then somehow maybe his afterlife is sweeter........"

Thanks to you all. Your thoughts and experiences have touched me. In rational moments, and there are a lot more of them these days, I realise that the anger is preventing me from grieving effectively. I am hanging on to the anger about how needlessly he died, almost to shield myself from dealing with the sadness. Deferring it to a later date. Anger feels good, in some way, as it is an emotion I can 'get hold of' and it is fuelling my fight to get changes made to standards/staffing in maternity care, for all of us.

In the past I've read media reports and articles about families campaigning to get changes made to law/procedures to prevent repeats of their own terrible tragedies. Often, when revisited years later, the families concerned had borne the brunt and often fractured as a result of the overwhelming urge to 'do something.' I suspect that, if left unchecked, this could happen to my family. Mr Bubble is not as fired up about this as I am. That's not to say he isn't interested, but he feels that we should move on.

My 'public meltdowns' are few and far between these days. I can talk about what has happened, but I can't bring myself to look at photos of Bo yet. My emotional pain threshold is low, and I know that looking at him will rip the scar off of the healing that has already taken place. I also realise that there may be infection in the form of unresolved grief lurking in the scar. Only by exposing it to cleansing and the inevitable pain, by seeing my child and remembering him positively, he was a lovely little baby, can I 'heal' properly.

Oh, bubble. Reading what you write about Bo makes me feel so desperately sad and angry.

I don't know if you will ever be able to look at his photos without feeling like that yourself...it was needless...he should be here today. I'm not convinced that your anger prevents you from grieving properly - I think the anger and the grief are 2 separate mechanisms and they can be felt side by side

I'm still glad you have Elijah but I'm not sure I would ever get over the anger about Bo, if it was me.

Sarahx2005

Just catching up.Wept on reading your story.So very sorry for your loss.What a brave and remarkable woman to have got up and gone on to support others on this site.

Bless you and your angel

xxxxx

Thank you chocolatepeanute - I have a lump in my throat now.
Sarah x
have a look at this

What a beautiful child.He is now one of gods most precious angels.

I have not read his story yet as lucy is jumping up and down on my knee.I will read tonight when she is in bed.

My heart really goes out to you and your family.
xxxx

Sarah xxx

I have read Kips story and I cannot express how sad I feel for you and your lovely family. What a remarkable,brave little boy.You must all be very very proud of him.

I too am a christian and my faith has helped me many times.I cannot imagine how you have coped since loosing your darling little boy but I close my eyes and can see his happy smiling face and know that the place his in now is a beautiful one and that when he feels the sun shining on his face its the love sent by you all that radiates through him.
xxxx

I don't think time heals, it helps you learn to live with it though. I never lost a child and can't imagine what you have been through, I do think six months is a terribly short time though. I lost my best friend when we sixteen in a stupid pointless accident, and it took probably a decade to get to that state of acceptance.

I am sure your children are with God. My six year old cousin died in March from MRSA (he was waiting for a heart transplant when he contracted it ), and I have always been very conforted by a certain feeling that my Nan, whome he loved very much but died 2 years ago, was waiting to take him into Heaven. I am sure you will be reunited with your babies again.
God bless.XXX

Chocolatepeanut thank you so much for your kind words - I can't tell you what they mean to me.
It's so lovely that you can see what we saw - a beautiful brave little boy - he was so loving and kind and I'll never forget the times he saw the worry and upset on my face and he would place his little hand on my cheek and say 'don't worry it's ok Mummy' - I have tears in my eyes now as I remember him.
We realised this week as the children went back to school that he would have started at the juniors and been with my other son Matthew - Matthew is in year 6 and he would have been looking out for his little brother.
Thanks again chocolate.
Sarah x