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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Do you know what, I am so angry and hurt, I cant deal with it

100 replies

TrinityRhino · 30/09/2009 00:54

it feels like I cant breath
it so fucking wrong
more wrong than anything

why

what the fuck did I do

and I cant make it better ever
ever

OP posts:

Report

Maggie34Behave · 03/10/2009 14:24

I heard what happened to your husband TR and I'm so sorry. It's weird hearing that somebody online has gone through this. It really brings home how we're all real. That's a daft thing to say. But even though I haven't a face to your name, I wish it hadn't happened to you.

TrinityRhino · 03/10/2009 14:41

thanks maggie

OP posts:

aristocat · 03/10/2009 14:46

Trinity - i cant imagine what you and DCs must be going through.

I wish i could say something useful. I havent lost a partner but did lose my parents within 6 months of each other. I felt so hurt,angry and jealous of everyone who hadnt suffered a loss.

Wish i knew you in RL and could help you. Your DCs will be fine, its not a bad thing to show you are upset-because they are too .

Thinking of you.

herbietea · 03/10/2009 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 03/10/2009 15:36

Trinity so so sorry for your loss, I can not begin to imagine what you are going through.
Have you thought about councilling?

grouchyoscar · 03/10/2009 16:15

Trinity. I've been thinking about you lots. I can not bear to think about what you and your babies are dealing with. Utter shit. Feel free to be sad/angry/whatever, we are here for you.

Much love from Clan Grouchy to you and yours X

onlyjoking9329 · 03/10/2009 19:01

Trinity i have email you.

TrinityRhino · 03/10/2009 21:21

hi all thanks for your kind words and hugs

I have replied OJ

OP posts:

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 03/10/2009 22:08

Hi Trinity I can't say anything at all about the total shitness of what has happened to you and your family, because it's beyond me to find the right words. But I would like to say something about your kids. What you're doing - showing them your feelings - is the right thing. When my mum died and my dad moved in to take care of me and my brother, the thing that killed us the most was lack of communication. We all froze separately in our little cells of grief. It still affects everything now and I genuinely wish there had been more shouting, more tantrums, because maybe then there would have been more making up too.

Your babies know that you love them, and that you love their father and so you're hurting just like they are. That is okay for them to know. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

JMO obviously. Much love to you even though I am a stranger

onlyjoking9329 · 05/10/2009 15:46

Trinity i have emailed you.

wilbur · 05/10/2009 15:53

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low, trinity. Totally understandable you feel angry and cheated of so much, but desperately awful for you anyway. Thinking of you. Hope OJ's book helps.

RubysReturn · 05/10/2009 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

verygreenlawn · 05/10/2009 17:46

I couldn't read your post and not answer. I'll try and keep it brief.

Firstly, I wanted to reassure you that children are remarkably, amazingly, incredibly resilient. When my ds1 was born his twin brother died and I was totally incapable of functioning for a good six months. Ds1 was changed, fed and generally looked after but not loved. I was so afraid he'd leave me too I couldn't allow myself to build up any bond with him.

Somehow, despite this and all the grief he's had to cope with in his short life so far, he's thrived. Your dcs have had to face something so very terrible at such a young age, but they WILL get through it and they WILL understand why you're reacting the way you are. That's not to say there isn't a long hard road ahead - if I said it would be easy you wouldn't believe me, quite rightly.

Secondly, you'll be surrounded by people telling you it gets easier with time. In my very honest opinion - and I can only speak of my only experience - it doesn't get easier, it just gets different. Life is never the same again. It took me four years before I could even say my son's name without crying - but somehow over time a good day will happen, then maybe another, and you realise you ARE learning to deal with the feelings. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I so hated everyone telling me what a great healer time was.

I wish you all the best I really do for the road ahead - get through it any way you can, whether it's getting angry, or sad, or whatever - just get through it.

triffictits · 05/10/2009 19:25

Trinity how are you today? I know that's a crap question, but I was thinking about you and just wanted to check in to let you know that you are in my thoughts.

TrinityHasAVampireRhino · 06/10/2009 10:26

thankyou everyone for sharing your experiences with me
it really does help

I'm sorry for your losses

thankyou

bodycolder · 06/10/2009 10:31

I just wanted to say a quick hello and that I am thinking of you,I remember a few posts you made about your dh and they really stuck in my mind for some reason.I hope you and your children have lots of support and find some peace soon xx

evansmummy · 06/10/2009 18:43

Trinity, I don't know you either, and have missed most of your story, but have managed to glean the basics. I am so sorry for the loss of your dh. Truly horrible, and you're right, unfair. My little brother, 24, was killed in a hit and run accident last year, and I just wanted you to know not to feel bad about being a bit crazy. These sorts of things are not supposed to happen, and it can take a very, very long time to learn to live with them. Anger and questioning are all part of this, particularly with a shocking death, and please keep on letting it out.

As others have said too, it's good to show your kids your feelings, even if it doesn't seem so. I have and still do with mine, and I think it's much better in the long run, will hopefully help them deal with death in a more constructive way in the future. There's really no point in hiding it.

Also, I can totally feel your anger, I have mine too, 16 months on, it's like a comfort blanket. I hate the man that did this to my family. I can't forgive him, esp as the justice system did.

Give yourself time. That's all you can do.

Sending you much love xx

onlyjoking9329 · 08/10/2009 11:25

Thinking of you Trinity.

SquirrelTrap · 08/10/2009 11:47

My god Trinity, this is something every single one of us dreads happening, and it has happened to you. I can't go anywhere near expressing my sadness at this terrible loss to your family.

I feel for you so much when you talk of dealing with your children so much. Its all very well people saying let it all out, but they are babies and you don't know if they can truly deal with it all and this will prey on your already fractured mind - are some things best not said? Should I have done that? Why didn't I do that? No-one really knows the answers thats the problem - anyone who says they do is full of shit. You do your best and your way. People have no right to judge you.

I hope you are getting the support you need. You do need time to yourself to get somewhere in the digestion process of what has happened to you and your family. Being a widow is just horrific, and I don't think you can expect too much of yourself for now. Its enough to just get through the day. Deepest best wishes to you and your family.

Lemonylemon · 08/10/2009 13:34

Trinity: I posted a message for you a while ago about the merrywidow website. Someone was going to let you know about it. You can pour your heart out on it and people will understand and many are in the same boat as you, with young children etc.

I am 2 years further along the road, and I can say that the feeling of complete and utter shock and devastation that fills you so that you can't breathe, WILL die down eventually.

There are no answers - that's the really hard thing about this.

There are places to get counselling for you and your children. There's Winston's Wish, CRUSE and also, your GP.

The early days are just so, so awful. Just for now, take each hour at a time, take baby steps and take care of you and your LOs...

TrinityHasAVampireRhino · 08/10/2009 22:45

OnlyJoking, the book arrived the day after you sent it

absolutely amazing
thankyou so much

I have only read a tiny bit, its hard but I like

Thankyou

lemony, squirrel, thankyou for your kind messages

everyone, thankyou

aWitchForLifeNotJustHalloween · 08/10/2009 22:55

I trinity, I just wanted to send you a ((((hug))) to put in your pocket for when you need it

ErikaMaye · 09/10/2009 10:46

Trinity I hope you don't mind but I sent you an email. Please feel free to tell me to bugger off if you wish!!

Am thinking of you and yours. x

TitsalinaBumsquash · 09/10/2009 10:56

Trinity - I just wanted to send you and your DCs my thoughts.

I have never been through what your all going through and can only begin to imagine the pain your feeling but i wanted to let you know that i care and am thinking of you. x

onlyjoking9329 · 09/10/2009 12:47

Glad the book got there safely. thanks for letting me know.
take care.

Flip

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