Do you know what, I am so angry and hurt, I cant deal with it

[TrinityRhino]

it feels like I cant breath
it so fucking wrong
more wrong than anything

why

what the fuck did I do

and I cant make it better ever
ever

[LauraIngallsWilder]

Trinity - Second time this evening I dont know what to post

So so sorry you are in this awful situation

[BiteOfFun]

Trinity- I'm sending you so much love: I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling, but fucking rage away, it's so bloody bloody unfair

Truly, I wish I knew you in RL and could wrap you up while you howled- there can't be a worse thing to go through, I so wish I could take some of it from you.

[thumbwitch]

Trinity, things are all on their heads for you all at the moment - chocolate biscuits and tv in bed with mummy isn't going to be forever but it might be what they (and you) need right now.

Be easy on yourself - you are doing the best you can under extraordinarily horrible circumstances and it will start to even out over time. Give the DCs lots of hugs too - it will make you all feel a little bit better.

[alypaly]

why is life so cruel ,so sorry for all of you.

[RobynLou]

a bottle of milk and a biscuit in front of the telly is not anywhere near destroying your babies (neither is shouting at the occasionally). you're doing your best and its more than good enough in the circumstances.

[Knickers0nmaChoppedOffhead]

Trinity, I am so sorry. I just don't have the words, I really don't.

I am sending you all our loves and you are in our thoughts xxx

[retiredgoth2]

..I declare maleness.

But I also have some knowledge of widowhood.

Three years worth.

Have you tried posting here?

It helped me, and others, a great deal. I learned of this site through friends from there...

[alwayslookingforanswers]

Trinity I have no experience of what you've gone through.

However, when I was really ill with depression last year my poor kids got the rough end of it, for months all i did was yell at them, ignore them, was just so totally totally shite.

It's happened again in the last 2 weeks,

But you know what - my DS's have come through it just fine.

Children know when you're being "horrible" because you're horrible. And they know when you're being "horrible" because things are crap.

Reading that back through it sounds crass and thoughtless and I'm sorry if I've said the wrong in posting it.

[LatinDAISYcal]

trinity

as someone else said, this anger is a stage of grief that has to be gone through. doesn't make it any easier though, I know, but you have lots of support here.

you are not fucking up your DC; they will bounce back and are probably more bewildered than anything a the moment.

Talk to one of the organisations that have been linked though; they can help.

hugs xx

[LatinDAISYcal]

and i echo what alwayslooking said; simialr here with depression, but they are happy and well adjusted because they know I'm crap because I'm ill not because I'm crap.

your DC will see it too in you. Be kind to each other xx

[MmeGoblindt]

Trinity
please don't think that you are damaging your DC. Or worry about them drinking milk and eating biscuits in front of the TV. You and your DC need each other right now. Indulge youreslf and them with snuggles in bed if that is what feels right.

It is a right pile of poo, that life has served you ;(

[differentWitch]

Trinity, all I can say is to take each moment as it comes. If you feel you are going to shout come on here and shout instead, or call purplepillow and have a chat. It has only been 6 weeks since your world was turned upside down, it's fine to feel angry, really it is.

Sending you gentle thoughtsX

[LauraIngallsWilder]

Morning Trinity thinking of you

[VinegARGHHHTits]

Trinity my love, dont beat yourself up about giving your babies biscuits, milk and telly at bedtime (bloody ell i do that with mine every night, and he sleeps in my bed, anything for a bit of peace while i watch Eastenders, i couldn't give a flying fuck what MN might say to that!)

Life is so unbelievably unfair sometimes, i cried actual tears when i heard your news and i've never even met you! so i can even begin to imagine what you are feeling, but we are here to for you, so let it all out...

[onlyjoking9329]

dont beat yourself up about tv watching and junk food, my lot had a junk food fast food diet for ages and they are doig ok, nothing feels normal for you right now, just get throu the days expect nothing else of yourself right now.

[TrinityRhino]

thankyou so much everyone
I've looked on Merry Widow

oh my god
that woman is talking to me, I know exactly what she is saying, I feel it all, I'm in tears

I am going to look at winstons wishes
I will do all I can to help our babies

I keep calling them babies, the aren't really

they are 9,4 and 2 but really, they are babies, so young, so blind sided

neil was always going to look after us, he loved us more than anything, he would have died for us...

[scroobiuspirate]

they are and always will be your babies. i will never see my dd as anything but.

I am reluctant to give you any wise words, cos i don't know any, but just know we are here.

[claireybee]

Oh Trinity

Rant away, do whatever you have to do to get through the days x

[Georgimama]

It's not the same at all I know but when my parents separated I saw my mum cry, throw plates, rant and rave, and I was acutely aware of the perilous financial situation we were in, and it did me no harm at all. For the first time (I was 11) I learned that my mum was also scared, lonely and hurt - you don't think of your parents as people with feelings when you are very small. In a strange way it was good for me to know she felt the same. We became closer during that dark time than we had ever been before.

You will get through this. You are not damaging your children. My DS regularly ends up in my bed with a biscuit and apple juice (apple juice! not milk) when he refuses to sleep and I have absolutely no excuse whatsoever.

[FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to you all}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[onlyjoking9329]

Trinity, i joined kate boydells site some time ago after reading about it in her book, i read her book before steve died and many times afterwards too, it is a fab book and has been passed around many of my mates. i found myself reading and nodding away thinking how amazing that someone feels like me. would you mind if i sent you a copy of the book?

[Hassled]

My heart breaks for you - I can't imagine what you're going through. I wish I could say something useful. I know when my parents died how relentlessly awful it was, how angry I was at the injustice of it all, how unbearable the pain of missing them was - this must be so much worse.

But don't worry about showing your anger and unhappiness to the children - they will be feeling much the same, but less able to articulate it; you're showing them that it's OK to feel the way they do, and that has to be a good thing for them. If normal routines all go to hell for a while it won't matter.

[TrinityRhino]

OJ, I would like it very much
thankyou

[onlyjoking9329]

Ok trinity, can you get your address to me somehow, i dont have CAT set up, i know lewisfan has your address and i am sure she will pass it onto me if you say it is ok.

[TrinityRhino]

I've just asked lewisfan to send it to you

or if you want my email its mediumpica@ btopenworld . com