Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

daughters nans funeral

46 replies

metmoo · 28/04/2009 23:42

my daughters nan died at the weekend at the age of 86 after 49 happy years of marriage, my daughter who is 9 has taken it well considering and wishes to see nan and put a couple of special things in the coffin she also did this when my dad died 2 years ago. but her grandad has said the registrar or somebody has said she cant do this as she is too young and would be upset, grandad is going along with this but he is very raw obviously at present, my daughter really wants to see nan before her final journey she is going to the funeral but feels the need to say goodbye properly do i take her anyway to see nan in the chapel or go against her and take that away from her i feel its part of grieving and closure and i want to repect her wishes and dont want to upset her grandad anymore than he is now

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 30/04/2009 10:08

no, I wasn't aiming at you personally! I posted earlier why I had a bit of a visceral reaction to this, I am not very objective about children's grief etc. My experience has been that children's feelings about bereavement are often passed over and I think that's a mistake

I do think it was a bit insensitive of you to use the word petty though, it's a bit of an "ouch" word in a thread like this I think

but it wasn't meant to be a declaration of war...

Greensleeves · 30/04/2009 10:09

I disagree also that her grief isn't in the same league - the idea of a league for grief is wrong IMO - it's like saying to someone who's just lost a child to anorexia "at least you didn't lose your entire family in a tsunami, stop whining"

IMO

travellingwilbury · 30/04/2009 10:37

The worst thing that has happened to someone is the worst they have experienced , so therefore to them it's the worst thing .

They both have valid reasons for wanting to grieve the way they deem fit and I hope that they both manage that .

Tortington · 30/04/2009 10:49

call it what you will. there is a difference between the grief of someone who has lost their nan and the grief of someone who has lost their life partner.

'in the same league'is a colloquial saying as you well know, and isn't the same as suggesting a league table of grief fgs.

which isn't the same as your example which two completely different situations.

frasersmummy, good considered post. i agree that we don't think the same on this. I watched the total annihilation of my mothers reason for being when my dad died and i can't imagine someone bothering her with requests to put things in the coffin. it seems insensitive to me and yes, petty.

Greensleeves · 30/04/2009 10:51

I just don't agree, I think a child's first experience of losing somebody they love is cataclysmic, and if handled insensitively/treated as petty could cause long-term emotional trauma

but we can agree to disagree...

Tortington · 30/04/2009 13:42

"...she also did this when my dad died 2 years ago"

its not her first experience.

that isn't to say it isn;t traumatic. It isn't to suggest i am dismissing the grief that a child can experience ( i have helped my three through the deaths and funerals of 3 grandparents. One of the grandparents died in quite shocking circumstances, one they were close to...and another one)

its a horrible thing to have to go through for a child ( i know this as i watched my dad die when i was 4)

but i would't compare the witnessing of my parents death - the first death i had witnessed ( in hindsight as an adult) to that of my mother who lost a husband.

its just not the same.

but yes of course we can disagree!

piscesmoon · 30/04/2009 18:24

I agree with custardo-if the man has been married for 49 yrs his life has just come apart-he will feel completely numb, as if he is on a different planet from everyone else whose life is going on as normal. In an ideal world he might be worrying about a child and whether she should put things in a coffin or no,t but I bet it doesn't even register with him at the moment. He must have known the Nan in question for over 50 yrs and his whole life has changed-it will never be the same again. It is hardly the same for the DC, she is upset but her life will go on as before, except for not seeing her Nan.
She is described as mature for her age so I am sure that if it was discussed she could be expected to have some empathy.
There are lots of things she could do instead-plant a tree for example.
Noone is suggesting that she shouldn't grieve and say goodbye in her own way-merely that she isn't central and her wishes shouldn't over ride everyone elses-namely the grandfathers.

frasersmummy · 30/04/2009 19:12

pices thats a bit harsh "life will go on as normal except she wont see her nan"

I think this quote says it all

"death leaves a heartache no-one can heal love leaves a memory no-one can steal"

This poor family have lost a precious part of their family. The important thing is to be there for each other. To remember they are all hurting and to support each other through it. From the youngest to the oldest

piscesmoon · 30/04/2009 19:24

I would imagine that you haven't been widowed frasersmummy. I have and it is worse than you can possibly imagine. I wasn't operating in my normal, caring, thinking of others way-it was complete shock and organising the funeral was a trauma; organising it to suit everyone was completely beyond me. OP should have some empathy- it isn't essential for her DC to do it in a particular way-they can easily find some other way.

frasersmummy · 30/04/2009 19:39

No I am not widowed picesmoon - sorry to hear you are. My little boy was stillborn - as you can imagine my life crumbled in front of my eyes too so I know some of what you felt/are feeling and I know only too well the trauma of organising a funeral.

I just think the death of her nan will leave a big hole in that wee girls life and her feelings shouldnt be dismissed out of hand which is what I thought that comment insinuated.

This is not helpful to the op so I will be quiet now

shabster · 30/04/2009 19:41

no - thankfully - dont think FMummy has been widowed but I do now she has buried one of her children and I think that is why some of the posters on here have showed great emotion about this subject. Several of the ladies who have posted have lost their children and bereavement remains (and will remain for the rest of their days) at the forefront of every day.

We all have different thoughts - thats why we post on here and other threads. Thats what life is all about - differences of opinion. Because we all have different life experiences we all have different opinions - that is life I suppose.

shabster · 30/04/2009 19:42

x posted FMummy xx

travellingwilbury · 30/04/2009 19:56

Firstly I feel the need to apologise to metmoo for the way this has gone but I just want to say one more thing .

When my son died myself and my husband obviously fell apart completely and one of the decisions we made about the funeral still haunts me to this day . Yes we were devestated and our world ended that day but so did other peoples ( my mum for one ) and I left her out of something that I really shouldn't have so this isn't just about the girls feelings , it could also maybe possibly help the grandad to know she cares enough to want to be there .

Nobody is saying his feelings should be trampled on but like you have all said he is in a very bad place at the moment and I really can't believe having this conversation is going to make matters any worse for him .

Yes she will be ok eventually if she doesn't get to go but is it such a bad thing to want to make a 9 yr olds passage through the grief of losing her second grandparent in 2 yrs a little bit easier ?

lottiejenkins · 30/04/2009 20:27

I have buried my eldest son and my husband............. I fell apart on both occasions...........

piscesmoon · 30/04/2009 20:27

Of course anyone would want to ease a 9 yr old's grief-but as seen, it is an emotive subject. She can easily do all sorts of things to say goodbye and they may well turn out better than putting things in the coffin.I don't think that the grandfather should be upset-OP could just handle her DD with sensitivity and find lovely alternatives. People are not at their best when grieving-I don't expect the grandfather is thinking rationally, and I am not at all sure that he should be made to.

chegirl · 30/04/2009 22:29

metmoo I am sorry you are in this difficult position. It is a real shame that your DD is not allowed to say goodbye in the way she wants. It seems that granddad doesnt want her to see nana. I would think that he is worried she will be upset. A lot of adults think they can protect children from grief in this way.

I have always tried to include my children in the process and ask them what they want and try to honour this. It may not be possible in your case without causing more upset on all sides. This is sad and I am sorry for you DD.

She sounds like a mature sort of girl. Can you explain why granddad is feeling this way? That he would find it too sad and this is a sign of how much he cares for her. A compromise may be that someone else places her gifts in Nana's coffin.

If she is going to the funeral she may be allowed to place a hand on the coffin at some point in the ceremony. This seems to be a common ritual nowdays.

I agree that there are other ways she can say goodbye to her Nana but I also agree that childrens' grief is just as real and just as complex as adults'.

Cruse have version of their website for kids RD4U. It may be of some help. I have not used it for my kids but I was checking it out today for work and it looked ok.

I hope you find a way of working things out.

shabster · 30/04/2009 23:47

good post Che...beautifully said. We all have a place in this world...and you described it so well xxxx

redsock · 01/05/2009 09:12

why does it have to be a grief competition ie.
Grandad is grieving more than granddaughter, so don't bother him with details?

LittleMissNorty · 01/05/2009 09:20

Just to say that not everyone is embalmed and if she hasn't been, she won't look the same and it wouldn't be a good idea to see her.

Hope you sort something out.

Katelyn · 01/05/2009 09:23

metmoo, they don't always look the same. I saw my nan 12 days after she died and she looked very different - I was 13. I would never go again.

I saw my nan everyday so thankfully it wasn't a lasting picture in my memory. If your Ex and the Grandad think it's best she isnt there, I think it's right that you as the adult make the decision that it's best she doesnt go.

If she's 9 and grown up for her age, just explain that the place where Nan is does not allow children and therefore she'll need to say goodbye another way. Perhaps take her along to Nans favourite place and light a candle or along to the church to light a candle and say a prayer....i dont know, you know your daughter and nobody can tell you what to do but I think the wishes of her husband and son need to be respected.

Original poster

metmoo · 01/05/2009 14:58

dd won.t be seeing nan as ill be placing items on her behalf after having a chat to her dad which he is fine with and my daughter is going to funeral as for certain peple saying im insensitive i lost my dad 2 years ago after a fire and never had chance to say goodbye as he'd already died by the time we got to the hospital so very heartbroken obviously which is why i came on here because there are two sides to a coin dd and grandad and obviously i know how how he feels because we got on very well and i know his world is upside down as nan was the leading force in the marriage thanks too for the kind wordsxx

OP posts:

Flip

1 2