My lovely friend and neighbour died this afternoon.

[Squirdle]

I am going to miss her very much.

My heart is breaking for her poor children

Squirdle I am so very sorry to hear about your friend. You sound such a wonderful friend and you are doing so much at a time when you will be in shock and grief yourself. Your friend will be so proud of you as you are their for her family at a time when they will all need all the love and support they can get.
Thinking of you all. x

SO sorry for your loss

I have posted it before but I'll say it's worth saying it again, Bocci has it absolutely right, offering to do stuff at a point like this is pointless as I didn't know which way was up and what needed to be done. Just doing it makes so much difference. Food yes, laundry (well the kids anyway) yes, checking that letters that need to be returned/monies that need to be paid school/cubs/brownies etc. yes.

And as Bocci also says its not just for a few days or weeks (though extra help will be needed e.g. looking after the kids when funeral arrangements need to be made or the death registered), but the real friends are those that are still there e.g. in my case 9 months on, some are still giving support, but some have just disppeared completely. I can now feed and dress my own kids (round of applause for the dad please) but the village mums mafia still check that letters get to school, subs for clubs are paid and have them over from time to time just to relieve the pressure.

One other thing that I found hard in the early days, let the dad know he is not alone, us widowers with young kids are not common but there are a few (too many!) out there.

i agree with everything bocci said, especially the meals. sometimes you are so exhausted and you cant think what to cook. then if you cook junk you feel even more guilty. having a healthy home cooked meal in the fridge that you can just heat up is WONDERFUL

its good you can have the kids round as they deal with grief differently and that can be quite hard for the bereaved parent to deal with, especially in the early stages.

its also good you have told your own children as your friends kids may talk to them about it

you will need to tell your own children about it several times, especially teh younger two. they will probably ask you again in a few days eg mum, why did jane die? When is she coming home?

this is very hard on your but you need to be honest with them eg

" rememebr i told you that jane was in a car accident? Another car came around the corner and hit hers and she was very badly hurt. An ambulance came and took her to hospital. The doctors tried very hard to help her but she was too badly injured. they coudln't make her better and she died. she wont be coming home and we cant see her again "

Squirdle, I'm so sorry .

Squirdle I am sat here in tears reading what you have written and the excellent advice you have been given.

You are a truly lovely friend, and I wish you well.

How sad squirdle. You sound lovely and a great friend and I am sure you will be a great help to the family next door but don't forget yourself in all this. You have lost a friend too. You will grieve also.

dadinsteadofmum, thank you so much for your advice...it is good to hear from someone who is and has been in the same situation.

I had a bit of a deep and meaningful with DS3 this morning (well as much of a deep and meaningful you can get with a 4 yr old!) He was talking about her a lot this morning. 'When is L coming back?' 'Is she trying to find the door so she can come back?' 'I know she is dead but she is getting better and will come alive again' 'Where is L?' 'I miss L'

DS2 did make me smile yesterday though. He was concerned that dad next door would have to do all of the housework now 'But Mum, you could pop in and do it every day couldn't you'

So innocent and straightforward.

Today i am feeling a little numb and shell shocked. I think I was so busy trying to make sure they were ok, to be normal around all of the children, that it has hit me even more today.

So sorry Squirdle, I have also been in your situation and it sounds as if you are doing everything you can. dadinsteadofmum and bocciballs gave good advice. One other thing I did was make memory boxes with my neighbours kids (mine helped too). At the funeral all the guests wrote happy memories / jokes they remembered on brightly coloured card and put them in the boxes. It gave them something to look at later and an insight into his life as an adult and not just a dad.

Your own children will also need to know that their friends may be sad but also sometimes angry and that this is normal. They will be a great comfort to your neighbours children who will need time to play and be normal as well as time to talk.

Sorry for your loss, Winston's Wish website was very helpful to me when my DH died, children do grieve very differently to adults. Memory boxes are a good idea, but were not something I was ready to do for a few months, and it might be that is something their dad would prefer to do with the children when he feels ready. Second everything others have said, just do things because you don't really know what you want or need in the aftermath of death, my DH died suddenly of a heart attack and they will all be reeling from shock and you may find their grief will be worse when that has worn off. You sound like a great friend, who will be there for the long haul, my youngest was very nasty to one of his friends for a while and I will always be grateful that his parents stood by us as a family through that. Feel free to CAT me if you would like to "talk".

Squirdle, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. I have had a lot of support from WW. I am having my 40th birthday next month and have asked for donations to my sons special school and WW instead of presents. This book is very good too.

www.amazon.co.uk/Death-Miss-You-First-Look/dp/0340911069/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1237408410&s r=8-1

so very sorry to hear that your friend has died squirdle, you have been given some good advice here, it sounds like you are doing all the right things.
My husband died 9 months ago after 16 months of cancer.
My best mate (mumtofour) was there when steve died and has been there throughout it all,whilst dealing with her own grief she has helped me and my three kids deal with ours, she is still always there for us, the things that she has done that have been helpful are far to numerous to mention, she just gets on and does things without me having to ask her, which is just as well cos when we need things is when we are most likely not to be able to ask.
Another thing i have found very helpful is joining the WAY foundation (widowed and young) it is for anyone widowed under the age of 50, i have made some good friends on there.
there a good book called how can i help which is good for ideas to help someone in this situation.
give me a shout if i can help in any way.

i have posted this before, but it is always useful.............

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know
when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel
that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm
grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after
my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For
I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was
with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our
children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the
hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled
and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be,
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear.
Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start
dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides,
what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach
out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up
then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples,
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel
deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't
tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my
life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank
you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need
me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be
with you.

Thankyou OJ x BTW, I always think of you and Steve whenever I see a trifle

My neighbour and his children have gone to spend a few days with friends.

It's difficult to explain how I feel today...disconnected with the world I think kind of describes it....

Can you have some time with your friend who wanted to help you?

I have been spending time with a mutual friend of both my friend who died and myself. She used to be her neighbour before we all moved into the village and having her around has been a huge comfort. Her son and DS3 are best friends and her eldest daughter and the neighbours daughter are best friends. She had lunch here yesterday (not that a whole lot of eating went on) and we have seen each other today at nursery and text each other in the evenings. I see lots of other people who knew my friend every day at school etc, which is quite difficult as obv it is the main topic of conversation at school, so having someone who knew my friend like I did ie being a neighbour and a friend helps enormously.

I am glad, you will need back up to help you help your neighbours family.

How are you doing today?

Sweetheart, Psycho told me about this today

I can come on Monday. Would be only a couple of hours at most though

I just wanted to say I am very very sorry for you and her family and poor children. Its truly not fair though I know these things never are.

Thank you everyone, you are lovely. Flame...not sure hwat is happening Monday yet, but will find out and let you know x

Today has been difficult for me. taking the children to school/nursery is hard because people want to talk to me about it. I have also felt very emotional today. I was ok this morning...a bit vague and dazed, but ok. I went to get the local paper as DS1 was in it for his school production last week and my friend details of everything were on the opposite page. So that was it for me then. I totally broke down. Went to collect DS3 from nursery, thought I was doing ok until a friend asked me how I was and I said 'Actually not great' and proceeded to make my second public emotional display of the week (Tis unlike me to make public displays of emotion!)

A lovely, lovely friend brought a huge bunch of tulips around in the afternoon (which made me sob again) and many people have called to check I am ok...everyone is very sweet. I have really felt a community spirit here this week. Everyone cares about everyone and we are all supporting each other.

I can't stop thinking about my friend today and her children

It doesn't help that DH had to go off at 7.30 this morning to fly out to the US and won't be back for 2 weeks

I need to do something with the children, we are going to get DS1 from kayaking in a bit, so I'll get my act together and do something fun this afternoon.

DS2 showed me a necklace thing (boys beaded thing) yesterday evening. He said his friend (my friends little boy next door) gave it to him and said that if he felt sad about L, then he just needed to touch the red bit in the middle of the necklace and that was her heart and it meant she loved him I let DS go off to bed and then had a good weep about how utterly lovely 6 yr old boys are. DS2 for caring so much about his friend and the little boy next door for thinking of DS2 even though he is very sad himself.

The funeral is on Thursday. DH obviously can't come but our good friend who used to be our neighbours neighbour in another part of town is coming with me and there will be loads of friends there.

so sorry about this terrible news. Hope you are bearing up as best you can. Sounds like you are doing a great job. It is so so difficult when a young person dies, and unexpectedly too. Thinking of you.