Do you think it is ok to take a toddler to a funeral?

[jumpyjan]

DD is 2. All the family are quite keen for her to attend so no problem there - just wondering if it is not a good idea for her to be seeing family upset etc - it is likely to be a very emotional affair.

Anyone any experience of this?

We also brought pens and paper for the dcs to use. It helped a lot. Ds2 (who is two) got a bit fussy right at the end so dh slipped out with him. But everyone thought it was lovely that the children were there.

I guess it's all how your family views death and closure. I would have been very upset to have not been told of my grandfather's funeral, for instance, even if I had been on holiday.

I've read all these quite carefully and seem to be at odds with most people, who are able to report fairly positive experiences of taking teenies to funerals, and these views have made me re-consider our position. I am not sure I won't still make the same decision, but I am pleased to have heard all sides.

A friend brought her toddler to my brother's funeral; we also brought my DS who was 1 at the time.

It was lovely having little children there, my friend's DD danced during the service as we played some music which my bro had loved. That was such a sweet moment and it made me smile. The children weren't upset either (though I think my DH took DS away when I was crying so he didn't see much mourning).

I certainly didn't have a problem with having children there, I think it's a wonderful thing.

My 2yo nephew was at my Gran's funeral yesterday. He was just told we were going to church and had no idea what was really happening. Noone was crying though.

Didn't take my then 3 yo ds to my brother's funeral. I didn't want, tbh, to be looking after him when I needed that time for myself. Plus I think it would have been hard for him to sit nicely for the whole thing.

That said, I do cry in front of him all the time, and agree with others who say they want to encourage their children's understanding that death is a natural part of our lives.

Just depends on the circumstances, I guess. Go with your instinct, it's usually right!

I took my ds to my dad's funeral, and a few weeks later to DP's grandad's funeral. Not ideal, but as someone else said all my childcare options were actually AT the funeral. Bit different though as he was 10/11 months and wouldn't have understood what was going on. Nobody minded him being there - he was an important and loved relative of the person who died in both cases so they (I feel) would have wanted them there. He was as good as gold both times - in fact at my dad's funeral he stayed mostly silent.

I'm impressed by all the sensible posts.
You sound like you are coping remarkably well Deemented - hope you are ok. [hug]

Took my 2 yr old DS to funeral and he was fine, it helped family to have him there, he was only toddler though and well behaved, it would not have worked if there had been a couple to wind each other up - I suppose some Church's might organise a creche.

I feel very strongly that children should be allowed to go to funerals if they want to and understand the rules. Otherwise they can feel excluded and think there is something taboo about death, funeral, grief, adults crying etc. My brother won't allow his children to go to any funeral, even their DG, the rest of the family were very upset about that and I don't think the children were happy about not saying a final goodbye either.

You have to play it by ear really.
Good luck.

I took my DD to my dads funeral when she was nearly two.
My mum was especially keen that DD was there as she was my dads sweetheart.
She didn't get upset at all. I walked her around the graveyaerd while the ceremony was going on. It was quite lovely actually.
And being Irish the wake was great.

Thanks again for all the posts it really has helped me to consider all the options.

I think I am leaning towards taking her but perhaps as some of you have suggested sitting near exits/taking a walk around the cemetry if she is fidgetty etc.

I think if we are going to take her we need to explain it to her asap as its early next week.

oh yes sit near the back

was grandfather's funeral last week and not all dsis's children are school age so the baby and 2 yr old came too

Vicar came up at the end and said how much he loved seeing children at funerals and how it reminded everyone that life goes on (thought it was nice of him to say something to her actually as she had been worried about taking them).

At one point the 2 yr old played up, so her dh just took her out.

Just be prepared to go out if you need to.

we took DD to her brothers funeral when she was 5. but she sat with her aunt behind us so that if she was noisy she could take her out. otherwise we would not have been able to concentrate on the service IYSWIM

would not take my 3 or 4yo as they would not behave

not sure if a 2yo will be upset to see others crying - they might just be curious and ask in a loud voice " why is grandma crying?"

I would definitely take her if it's close family and she knew them well.

All very good responses - it really is a very personal thing. My brother died in October and we didn't take our DD (aged 2.5). It wasn't because I thought she would be upset per se, but because I knew I couldn't focus on it as much as I wanted to if she was there. I wanted to be able to bawl my eyes out if I wanted, or to go away and be alone, or to stay up all night if that helped. I didn't want to be restricted by her. Like evansmummy I also cry in front of her all the time especially on a Friday night when we light a candle for him. She hates it, always gets upset and tells me not to be sad. I haven't regretted not taking her, and we talked a lot about what a funeral was and what had happened to her uncle, and read a book that uncannily echoed a lot of what we did at his funeral so I could use it as an example.

Having said all that my SIL and other brother did take their kids (almost 2 and 4), but her mum supervised them and took them away soon after the burial. Maybe if you did take your DC you might want to consder taking someone with you to take her out if necessary so you can concentrate on the service?

Sorry for your loss.
My 6yo daughter has been to 5 funerals, the first when she was 9 months. She has never been phased, but accepts dying is a part of life.
I personally think it is nice to see children at funerals, as it is a nice reminder of the circle of life etc, but our family have always been very pragmatic.
I would always check first with very close family whether they would be welcome.
It did help that she is very well behaved and the first few were not very close to her.
It's a good opportunity to have a wee talk about death etc (especially for an older child.)

my ds2 would have been 18 mths at mils funeral,(now 2.6 yr) he wouldnt have sat still or behaved himself and i wouldnt have been able to be there for dp(who couldnt bring himself to go in the crem). we did take ds1 who was 9yrs at the time. it was his first funeral. he came with us in the family car and im now thinking it may leave him with a warped vison of funeral, as bil was in car with us and as we hadnt seen him for 3 years we were talking almost non stop all the way there (he came back from the states for the funeral)

I do think that hiding death, or hiding any life experience, from kids is fundamentally a bad idea.
My Mum died recently, and we took our 2yr old to the funeral. There were also young nephews. Many people commented how their presence added to a real air of hope - and they were Mum's absolute love.
The only dodgy moment was when 2 year old grabbed our 6 month old's hat, put it on, and danced down the isle. Mum would have absolutely loved it.

if noone is objecting to childs presence then I think you should take them, treat them the way you might at an ordinary mass/service and discreetly take them outside if they get disruptive. Dont overthink it ,the presence of people of all ages shows that life goes on ,and the person was missed by a broad spectrum of ages.
Ive taken both mine (at every age)to funerals and they have never let me done or given rise to neg. comment.

Lol greatdadintraining ,that sort of thing will def happen ,but well handled, it adds togood memories

Also took dds to the chapel of rest to see grandma 7 and when very young (4)great grandfather.

We really didnt force them and supported them . it worked for them and helped everyone move on.

not for everyone i know but funerals ,sensitively handled , bind people together.