why?

[Spacecadet]

where to start? I have just misscarried my baby at 16 weeks of preg, thepreg was a total shock as mt ddwas only 5 monthswhen i found out and it was going to be my 5th baby, but this baby helped meso much i was struggling with ptsd after a near life threatening experience after dd was born and was then diagnosed with a balance problem but the preg helped me focus on something other than my constant disabling dizziness, i know in my heart it was the wrong time to be preg but i so wanted and loved this baby, i felt her moving and was looking forward to my scan at 20 weeks, now im a mess, every morning i wake and put my hand on my tummy but shes not there anymore, i feel so empty, i know i have 4 lovely children but this is my 3 rd misscarriage and i have also had a stillbirth, i now have as many children in heaven as i do on earth

spacecadet: one more idea for you - this one is a bit odd...

How about a pond for your lost baby / babies ? A permanent sign of life, and a gift to the animals around you ?

I built a pond in my garden last year. It's very small - maybe 4ft X 4ft. I built it not for fish but simply to attract wildlife (I'm into birds, frogs, dragon flys, butterflys etc.). I built it with a false bottom so the visible water is very shallow and can support the weight of adults, so it is fairly child safe.

I'm so thrilled that at the moment a few frogs are using it to spawn, creating new life, and I've regularly seen birds having a paddle, a neighbour's cat having a drink etc.

Don't know if that's your cup of tea, but I get an awful let of pleasure from my pond throughout the year. If it's out of the question, a simple pebble water feature can still provide valuable water for the local wildlife but has no water for the kids to fall into.

lovely idea, we had a pond but filled it in when ds2 was born so ponds possibly out the question at mo, have a lovely millstone water feasture instead, feeling crappy at mo as have menieres desease and had severe attack on tues.

Spacecadet, I'm so sorry to hear about Eve's death. We had a wasps' nest treated in our house about a week before our son Tom was stillborn at 21 weeks two and a half years ago, and even though thorough checks were carried out for me by my very kind consultant, I've never really been able to accept their reassurances that this did not kill him. So I think I can imagine a little about how you feel about the fall.
I felt like destroying Tom's scan pictures and the couple of things we already had for him but now I'm glad I didn't. Could you or someone close to you buy a pretty little box for your memories of her, then put it away out of sight until you want to look in it again.
We got a Malus for Tom - a Mumsnetter called Triplets who lost her teenage son Matthew recommended it. It really is the prettiest tree and as hub2dee says, the leaf cover is light enough for you and the family to plant bulbs or fragrant plants underneath (lavender, thyme and rosemary for us as we have a slug problem in our garden).
I still struggle with the "why" question both for me and for other mums such as you, tomps, Sweetheart, arabica and Bubble, who have all suffered this bereavement in recent weeks. It still makes me angry. As a committed Christian I am willing to accept that God might want to test me, but can't fathom why that should involve ending another innocent life.
Sending you lots of hugs at this sad time. I found the support I got on Mumsnet so helpful and I hope you do too. XXX