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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I know it's very late but i do need some advice please.

50 replies

Tiamummy · 11/10/2008 22:52

I'm not one for talking behind peoples back, let alone my husband, but we are at logger heads about my reasons for talking about our daughters death with people outside the family. He isn't at all comfortable about me coming here. I've tried to talk to him about it but it doesn't end well.How can i assure him that this is not something negative. I came here not for great sympathy but as somewhere to hopefully talk to other mums who have also lost a child. I'm sneaking on here when he's not around, and i want to be able to come here without feeling i'm betraying him. If anyone can help i would appreciate it.

OP posts:

shabster · 12/10/2008 01:10

Sorry to jump in here - I have had four sons - I am one lucky mum. Two of my four sons have died. One with heart problems and one boy was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry.

Can I just ask you to come over to the bereaved mums thread? Just a collection of mums all taking one day after a time with the bereavement of their beloved children.

We are all at different stages and have different experiences - just trying to help each other to walk this crappy road.

Will link it for you in a moment xxx

shabster · 12/10/2008 01:11

Hope I have done this right....come and have a word my love

Original poster

Tiamummy · 12/10/2008 15:26

I've tried to broach it with him again this morning but he didn't want to talk about it. If he would listen to me long enough i might stand a chance of getting him to understand, but pushing it with him isn't an option right now. All i want is to have somewhere to talk

OP posts:

Rubyrubyruby · 12/10/2008 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tiamummy · 12/10/2008 20:11

I've got so much pain inside me, and i know he has aswell, but i honestly do not know if he would even read it right now. I feel awful coming here when he's said he's not happy about it, it feels like i'm betraying him.

OP posts:

Solodad · 12/10/2008 20:40

So Sorry for you Tiamummy. Think Rubyrubyruby has made a good suggestion - write him a note explaining how you feel and what you feel you need now. Ask him to read it when HE feels he can (verbally, or written on the outside)

I cannot understand what you are going through, but from my experience of the death of my Wife (18 months ago) I find that communicating with others who are experiencing the same thing a great help as they understand the things I am dealing with

Take care

Solodad.

Original poster

Tiamummy · 12/10/2008 20:56

Solodad i'm at the point where i need more advice to deal with things happening here, and how to deal with us as a couple.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiamummy · 13/10/2008 00:33

I can't seem to settle tonight which is really annoying because i am actually tired tonight. He's been to our local with his brother, so he's snoring and reeks of beer. Am i out or order to feel exasperated with him

OP posts:

wehaveallbeenthere · 13/10/2008 00:45

The greiving process is something a person hits in their own time. You are at one place in this and your DH is at another.
There are lots of differnt threads to read through and topics to talk about. I hope you won't feel like you are betraying your DH because you started with posting about this topic.
It's unfortunate that you lost your baby and while you are seeking comfort here know that because of this you can share and comfort others too. You are not alone.
Eventually your DH may get to a place where you can encourage him to seek and share comfort also.

Original poster

Tiamummy · 13/10/2008 00:52

We are at different places, that i'm now sure of after starting this, but all i'm asking for is his blessing to do this in my own way now. He seems to be trying to steer my grief in terms of who he thinks is appropriate and inappropriate for me/him to talk to. What he's not getting is that there are lots of people hurting around us, and i have found one place where i can talk without being face to face with my friends/relatives/neighbours. Nothing i would say here about Tia would be anything i wouldn't want to say to anyones else, it's just very hard

OP posts:

slim22 · 13/10/2008 01:03

don't know what to say. Just thinking of you.

You should take shabster's advice and go on that thread.

Take care

wehaveallbeenthere · 13/10/2008 01:03

I can only offer advice from my own experience. While I have never lost a child of my own I've been close to family that have. It is never easy and you never forget. While there are those that will tell you that time heals all wounds..to some extent that is true but all deep wounds still leave scars. Expect times when out of the blue you will see or hear or do something that will pull your pain up at full swell. There is nothing wrong with tears. Crying is a sweet release and when you feel you cannot possibly cry anymore you may find yourself exhausted. Let yourself heal at your own rate.
Over time other things will take your attention, it doesn't mean you forgot but that you have healed and are moving in a direction. Hopefully a good direction.
I wish I could tell you when that will happen, I cannot. Only you will know. I can only assure you that you will heal, so will your husband. All you can do is be kind to each other as you are both extremely fragile.

Original poster

Tiamummy · 13/10/2008 16:31

I've been talking to my best friend about this today, and i've come to the conclusion that the only way he will understand is to see it in black and white. We've printed off a few things and i'm just going to leave them in his intray, so he can decide if/when he looks at them. She agree's that i need to be able to decide how to deal with my own grief, just as he is deciding how to deal with his. All i want to be able to do is assure him that me wanting to seek help and guidance outside of our marriage isn't a reflection on us as a couple.

OP posts:

wehaveallbeenthere · 13/10/2008 21:55

I hope he understands. He may see this as a personal failure, not just a personal loss. Men just don't deal with emotional stress well. I don't know why as women don't deal with it well either but it just seems that a baby you made together and lost together would bring you closer to comforting each other.
Maybe it's going back to as individuals you need to heal in your own time. He seems to have sought out a relative or pal to go to the pub and throw a few back. Sometimes it's good to have someone of the same sex to talk to. This MN is kind of that for you.
You both need to understand that you cannot be everything to each other. That doesn't mean you can't be a rock for each other though, just means you aren't each others whole worlds. Okay, I'm rambling now. Sorry.

shabster · 13/10/2008 22:54

You are not rambling love - dont apologise. My husband was brought up in a strict home with 7 children. No time for hugs and kisses. He learnt that life is shite and you have to get on with it. He learnt that when the going gets tough you run like the feckin wind.

I had a wonderful childhood - just one brother. We had no money but we had so much love. I learnt that you stand up and cope with things. You fight your corner and always love each other.

When our two sons died that is how we reacted. He became angry with the world and hit out, mentally and physically with me. That is what he had been taught and the only way he knew how.

I became a door mat and tried to heal everyone.

Neither of our plans worked......the only way they worked was when we finally stood together - AS ONE - and fought the world together.

wehaveallbeenthere · 14/10/2008 00:02

I think then that he may feel he is being somewhat abandoned.
I believe that is a part of the grieving process...a feeling of abandonment, anger, sorrow...with my loss of friends, father...and my sisters baby. I felt...pretty much punched in the gut and there isn't something to rail back against. At least in a fight you have something or someone to fight against even if you are going to lose. You can at least go down fighting. Losing someone isn't like that though is it?
There isn't any tangible enemy. There isn't something that you can do to make it right. You get the ground pulled out from under you and you land on your arse and that's pretty much it.
I can see his point of view though, as it sounds like you do. You have nothing left to do but get on with it. It is so feckin unfair though. I hope you can get on with it together. If not at this time then soon....and if not soon at some point.
It's always better to have someone's back and they yours than to fight alone. Always. My heart goes out to you and he. I've had a lot of times that I fought that losing battle alone and it just sucks to no end.
Many strong and hopeful thoughts to you and he. If I can send you anything it would be hope. It will get better.

shabster · 14/10/2008 06:47

Beautiful last post - every single word the exact truth. Im a long way down the crappy bereavement road but your post helped me - thank you xx

egypt · 14/10/2008 06:55

havent read other posters responses, but you coming on here is for you. not for him. it is your grieving process. it is totally unrelated to his. you must not feel guilty, and remember your are anonymous. you could be talking to your subconscious

you are not betraying him.

he is betraying you in that he's not letting you grieve in your own way. he will see that one day. it's going to take time

take care xx

Original poster

Tiamummy · 14/10/2008 11:40

We've both got a whole mix of emotions that from one day to the next i don't know what's going to hit me.
All i can do is wait with regards to my husband.

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shabster · 14/10/2008 11:53

Tiasmummy - just found some words in a Compassionate Friends newsletter which may make some sense - I hope they help.

Speech by Charlie Walton at the Compassionate Friends conference in Georgia, USA

YOU'RE STUCK WITH THIS PAIN

The first thing I want to tell you is that you are stuck with this pain. You are going to hurt, really bad for a long time. Even though everybody around you is going to be wishing your pain away, you're gonna keep on hurting for a long time. There will come a day when you will have longer periods between the pains but, at least in my experience, when the memories do come flooding back they are going to hurt just as much as the first day you got the news.

Pain is lousy and it hurts but the depth of your pain testifies to the depth of your love, and the significance of your loss. Your tears are your tribute to one who has been taken away from you.

Grieving people need to tell their story more times than friends or family are going to be willing to hear. That is the greatest value of a group of bereaved people. They are willing to hear your story again and again, and will sincerely cry with you the twentieth time that you tell that story just as they cried the first time you told it.

evansmummy · 14/10/2008 21:54

Tiamummy, how have you been today?

Been reading your posts with sadness, grief is such an awful thing to have to live with without having to worry about someone else's reactions to it.

My own bereavement is completely different to yours, as they mostly are, but I will say that the most important thing people said to me right back at the start of it all, is that you have to do what is right for you at any given moment of the day or night. And unfortunately your dh will have to deal with that. My way was drinking myself silly every night, and my dh didn't get that at all. But even with all the arguments about, it I carried on, because it was what I needed to do.

If MN is helping you, you keep on posting. Grieving is a time to be selfish. Look after yourself, he will come round.

Thinking lots of you xx

shabster · 14/10/2008 22:06

Hi evansmummy - Im sat here nodding in agreement with your post and looking at my glass of cider 26 yrs and 16yrs since I lost my sons but still, quite often, I need to have a drink.

Think, when you have lost anyone but especially a child, you have to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up if everything goes belly up.

xxx

Original poster

Tiamummy · 15/10/2008 20:53

My husband has now agreed to me using this, but he's said he isn't wanting to hear about it. I'd rather be able to talk to him about things, but for now this is our agreement.

OP posts:

shabster · 15/10/2008 21:50

One day at a time my love. One small step and one small agreement at a time.

Original poster

Tiamummy · 16/10/2008 12:02

Yes shabster it's a start isn't it, and that's all i've asked for.

OP posts:

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