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Original poster

Anyone have experience of dealing with a terminally ill cancer patient - is this normal?

27 replies

PussinJimmyChoos · 27/09/2008 15:25

MIL has liver cancer that has spread to her pancreas and bile ducts. DH is flying out to spend the last weeks with her on Monday.

Apparently though, she's having increasing episodes where her BP goes down dramatically and she seems really ill and then a few hours later, she perks up and is walking around - is this normal? She didn't have any pain before but she does now so they are slowly starting to increase the pain medication. She also seems spaced out and times - as if she doesn't really know what is going on - is that the pain killers?

Her tummy is where the pain is btw...she's not eating much and is also non insulin type diabetic

Will DH have enough time?

OP posts:
Miggsie · 27/09/2008 15:43

Yes, the pain medication makes them fade in and out.
She will also be on several other types of medication I suspect as most of the pills have side effects so they give you other pills to counter-act the side effects and they do strange things to you.
As they increase the pain killers her lucid episodes will decrease.

My mum had this...she went through a phase where she could not stand certain smells and they would set her on a downward spiral and make her nauseous.

My mum went from fairly with it to comatose in less than a week...they discovered she had a clot in her leg and said they needed to operate, she said "what's the point?" and basically went into a decline, and I'm sure it was sheer mental resolve not to suffer any more that did it and she passed away very quietly in her sleep.

She had had the cancer for just under two years. She lost weight in the last 6 months.

I hope this is not too depressing but it is best to be prepared.

Your DH may also be shocked to see his mum in an almost incapable state...it's hard when you see your mum being like that.

RubyRioja · 27/09/2008 15:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 27/09/2008 15:46

Thanks for posting....so sorry to hear about your mum....

This has been so out of the blue...last week he got the phone call and now he's flying out...its so fast....but then I guess its two major organs affected and the bile ducts so....

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RubyRioja · 27/09/2008 15:49

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 27/09/2008 16:21

Well, I'm on standby to go out there but with a toddler, we were thinking it would cause more stress than anything else...

Its in Damascus and have just heard there has been a car bomb attack on the main route to the airport - where DH will be on Tues....fuck...

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RubyRioja · 27/09/2008 16:24

This reply has been deleted

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Blandmum · 27/09/2008 16:32

Yes, it is normal.

It is very hard to give a 'time'.

My dh had pancreatic cancer. A week before he died , on Oxygen and using a wheelchair, he managed to get a trip in a hot air balloon. But after that he went down hill very fast. He was admitted to the hospice on the Wednesday, on Friday they told me that things would change very quickly and he died early in the morning of the monday.

So very sorry to read about your MIL, sending you and your dh every best wish

Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 27/09/2008 19:04

Thank you all for your replies.

MB - am in awe of how you have coped and impressed with a hot air balloon trip..I do hope he enjoyed it.

Ruby - it will be a family affair to sort out all the finances etc so not all down to DH - thankfully

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sarah293 · 27/09/2008 19:13

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geekgirl · 27/09/2008 19:17

Hi Puss, it sounds sadly familiar to me, too. My mum died from ovarian cancer last year, it'd spread all through/around her intestines so there was a lot of abdominal pain.
She was very, very spaced out in her final weeks and said some cringeworthily inappropriate stuff (e.g. she told my poor db he'd been conceived in a car ) and had very vivid, weird dreams. Often she'd just drify off mid-sentence.
Her 'dieing' dragged on for 4 weeks - it was terrible for her and us really, we kept expecting her to die 'any day' and she was suffering so much.

So sorry for you all. I know MN isn't the place for hugs, but have some anyway
((((((((((())))))))))

onlyjoking9329 · 27/09/2008 19:20

so very sorry to hear about your MIL
morphine depending on dose can make you spacy, some people who have cancer are still talking and walking until the end, my husband was in a coma for a week before he died.
the pain needs to be managed but it is a balancing act getting the right level of pain relief.

Blandmum · 27/09/2008 20:21

Something else that you may find is that you MIL may well 'hang on' until your dh gets there, and things may move very swiftly afterwards.

When dh was in the hospice there was a Muslim lady in he next room who was in the last stages of cancer. She was amazingly supported by her women friends (and they, most charmingly supported me too) and she held on until her brothers arrived from the middle east, and died a few hours later, facing Mecca with the Koran being recited.

In a very strange way it was rather wonderful ( I hope you don't think that offensive in any way)

Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 27/09/2008 21:46

MB- not in the least - facing Mecca and with the Koran being chanted is lovely imo as DH, myself and MIL are Muslim. She is very devout so I would like for her to have a peaceful and blessed passing...

She hasn't been told what is wrong with her. Cancer is so taboo in the Middle East (sadly) and her family want to spare her the stress of worrying about who gets what (wills are very different over there)and she would panic a lot so in a lot of ways, its kinder that she doesn't know. However, we are feeling that on some level she does know as she has been pointing out stuff in the house and giving SIL very detailed instructions on who gets what and she has mentioned she would like to see DH. They will be telling her tomorrow that he will be arriving soon but they won't say when as they don't want her to stress about filling the fridge, cleaning the house etc.

I personally think she is holding on for this as well. She seems to be mentally shutting down - does that make sense? Not senile in any way, but from what they have said, just removing herself slowly from the day to day life - did any of your family members experience this?

Forgive me if my asking brings back painful memories - I wouldn't mean to upset anyone

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chapstickchick · 27/09/2008 21:58

my mum in law died in 1995 2 days after ds2 was born she was holding on for him she did get to meet him he was a c sect baby who went home at 2 hours old to see his granny .

she had breast cancer with secondary liver cancer and others fortunately she didnt seem to have much pain but did drift in and out of 'the real word/lucidity'i could go from sat there whilst she spoke utter nonsense (although i didnt dare leave the room) and then shed rest her eyes for 10 mins awaken and tell me what she fancied for tea and to get braising steak with fatty streaks and enquire as to wether id washed her towels ????.

Im really sorry for you and your family puss.

this shutting down you speak of when i was in hospital dh was with her and she was saying 'im lost' almost as if she wasnt there and when she became quite frightened dh held her and said im with you, your not lost im here too -hold my hand ....to which she replied 'who are you??'the doctor( a family friend ) said that if it wasnt so far fetched she would say that God by some graciousness had taken mil before,to spare her pain ....curiously she NEVER suffered pain throughout her last few weeks and only hd morphine in her last hours.

onlyjoking9329 · 28/09/2008 08:18

thing with cancer is that everything about it is a massive loss of control/choice it's like most things happen to you, there seems little that you can change or have any control. Over me and Steve talked about this when he had more lucid moments and he said he would die when he was ready but firstly he needed to make sure things were in order, he would often ask me about bills and bank account and I know he needed to feel all was sorted out, he was expected to die in may and we did our twin girls birthday 2 weeks early, two weeks later he was still here the girls had their proper birthday on 7th June we had an early fathers day on 8th June, the kids went off to school on the Monday morning and Steve died at 10.30am, if there is a perfect time to die then that was it for our family.

Blandmum · 28/09/2008 08:26

Puss, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with the 'tabboo' issue as well as all of the pain that comes with dealing with your MILs illness. It just makes it all so much harder. The same thing happened to a mate of mine who's FIL was Japanease, it was tabboo there too.

The gradual mental distencing does happen. Dh 'went' in stages over the last days.

From your posts it seems as if your MIL is at home, are they getting all the help that they can to make her more comfortable? The very last stages can be hard, and even with the most loving and devoted of families (like the lady in the next room, who had dozens of women supporting her) the may well need medical help on hand. Your dh may need to be insistant about this if the rest of the family is shying away from it, for his mothers good, IYSWIM.

Threadwworm · 28/09/2008 08:34

I am sorry you are going through this difficlut time.

When my mother was in the last stages of liver cancer, she was very 'out of touch' a lot of the time, and hallucinating. The nurses sad if was not just the painkillers but the illness itself.

Your mention of the 'mentally shutting down' and detatching from lifegave me a stab of remembrance of my mother. She did seem to be deliberately distancing herself. It was kind of upsetting in a way to be gradually excluded but also good, because it seemed she was taking control of her departure.

On the nihght she died only my sister was with her. She came to a bit and said to my sister 'wky don't you go and get some sleep.' Soon after my sister went, she died. I think she wanted to die on her own.

PavlovtheCat · 28/09/2008 08:36

jimmy I am sorry to hear about your MIL .

My mother passed away last year with cancer, and she passed very quickly. I think it is difficult to say how much time there is.

I just wanted to wish you and your DH well in coping with the next few days/weeks/months [hugs]

Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 28/09/2008 10:39

Thank youi all for your lovely messages. Reassuring to know the mental distancing thing is normal. I truly think its her way of gradually withdrawing from life...albeit on a subconcious level. Its weird how it all goes isn't it?

Pav - I will be in Plymouth for a few weeks so maybe we can do a meet up?

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PavlovtheCat · 28/09/2008 13:33

I really hope things can be as pain and trauma free for him, and for you all as a family. Death is hard enough, but to witness the demise is something I found extremely upsetting.

Are you coming to stay with DM while DH is away? Would love to meet up, let me know when you will be free

Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 28/09/2008 20:32

Pav - am typing this frm Janner land!

I'll cat you my number so you can text me and we can arrange a meet? It will have to be via text as am deaf as a post, but when you meet me, I speak fine so you don't have any worries re communication...well, except trying to work out what I'm saying through a mouthful of pasty but...

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Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 30/09/2008 15:13

Pav - have CAT'd you. Hope it went through ok. I'm not fasting anymore and rewarded myself with a pasty

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janestillhere · 30/09/2008 15:24

Hello, just when you said she seemed to be withdrawing from everything gradually - emotionally, well that's struck a chord with me.

My mum died in April (not of cancer though) and had been ill for a while. When she was deteriorating near the end I found my mum I knew from before was a little more distant in her manner, also speech. Conversations were shorter and seemed to cover essentials. No messing or 'fannying' about if you know what I mean.

I wonder if she knew in some way eh? x

Original poster
PussinJimmyChoos · 30/09/2008 19:32

Jane, thank you for posting. I personally feel that the body prepares itself in such a way and that is reflected in the behaviour.

DH is over there now. He got there around 6am. She seemed ok this morning but was in pain this afternoon but that's all I know from DH and I'm not going to push it as I'll get bollocked for texting too much!

OP posts:
ninah · 30/09/2008 19:41

Agree with everything said already. My dad died from pancreatic cancer, only diagnosed four days before he died, although he'd been ill for ages. By that time he was quite weak, breathless, and just seemed to be fading somehow. We were all with him all the time, lucid intervals less and less. Became hard to understand what he wanted - wanted to sit up, for instance, towards the end. Got quite angry and sent us away at v end, nurse called us in just before he passed away. It will be v hard on dh, expect he will want to talk about it but right now while he's with her it's like being on a diff planet. I remember coming out of the hosptial and finding driving the car inexpliably complicated. Your total focus is on what's going on with parent. Sympathies to you both.

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