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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

heartbroken

100 replies

DecafArabica · 15/02/2005 20:27

Have just found out I have had a missed m/c whilst in hospital as an in-patient for an asthma attack. Drs have reassured me that the asthma/steroid drugs probably had nothing to do with it, that 1 in whatever pregnancies end in m/c anyway, and at my age there is a much higher m/c risk...
But I just can't get the image out of my mind, of that baby-shaped shadow on the scanner, lying so still. And now I have to walk around with a poor little dead baby inside me until Thursday when I have my operation. I don't think I can bear it. Please, someone tell me how you got through this. I can't stop crying and I want to be strong for DS who's been disrupted enough by me being taken to hospital with the asthma.

OP posts:
colinsmommy · 16/02/2005 19:18

So sorry to hear that. Thinking of you and hugs.

LGJ · 16/02/2005 19:24

Oh honey

I was there for the shall I shant I thread and watched your name go to Decaf.

It is very hard, having been there I know.

The thing that helped me was later in the year the local hospice do a light up a life Christmas tree and every year since I pay to light X amount of candles on the tree, and the card attached says, for Baby W who didn't make it.

That was nigh on five years ago and I am filling up writing this, but it is nothing to the tears that there would have been just now if I hadn't.

So, do something when you are ready,remember your baby and rejoice in your DS.

With much love

LGJ

HTH

tamum · 16/02/2005 19:32

I am so, so sorry. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes.

hewlettsdaughter · 16/02/2005 19:48

Hugs

Original poster
DecafArabica · 16/02/2005 21:40

LGJ, what a lovely thing to do to remember your baby. I don't know what kind of a gesture I want to make but when I am feeling more recovered I think I would like to do something too and I am sure the right 'something' will come to me. I might even put up a thread asking what people have done. At the moment I don't think I could bear to read them though.
This is my last night with my baby still inside and whilst I don't think I could possibly be any sadder, I am still grateful for all the happiness the pregnancy brought me during these past 10 weeks.
Love to you all for your wonderful words. I feel so cared for and my RL friends and especially DH have been great too. But only the friend who's had the same experience as me really knows how I feel. I thought I just had one friend who had been there but thanks to all of you who have posted here, I now feel I have thousands.

OP posts:
yingers74 · 16/02/2005 21:43

Decaf, hugs to you.

kid · 16/02/2005 21:48

I'm sorry to hear your news Decaf and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Everyone is here to support you, as you can see from the replies you have got.

yingers74 · 16/02/2005 21:48

LGJ - that's really nice. I strongly believe that I will see my unborn baby again and part of me knows that he/she is watching over me now.

Twiga · 16/02/2005 22:19

So sorry , lol x x x

Original poster
DecafArabica · 17/02/2005 10:03

I am off to hospital for my ERPC in a short while and last night I began to feel a little less pregnant. I am still very wobbly and tearful but I slept for about 5 hrs and I think that helped as it's longest I have slept for past 3 nights.
I think I am ready to say goodbye to the baby today. I am hoping they will give me a picture of the scan to remember him/her by.
I will post later on to tell you how I got on, hopefully I won't be waiting around all day long but am fully prepared for that to happen.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 17/02/2005 10:06

Good luck. I am glad you said you wanted a picture of the baby. I was goig to suggest that yesterday but I wasn't sure how you would feel about it. Do try to get one. I believe it helps people grieve. It will mean that this poor baby has some existence, not just part of your memory. I feel all weepy for you!! Really really good luck.

Bella23 · 17/02/2005 10:09

Best of luck Decaf - this is a hurdle to get over but there will be lots of people thinking of you! Let us know how you get on

Twiglett · 17/02/2005 10:12

Wishing you strength Arabica

I hope you know that you have friends here who are thinking of you today

Titania · 17/02/2005 10:15

am so sorry you are going through this. thinking of you. {{{HUGS}}}

motherinferior · 17/02/2005 10:15

Take care
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Christie · 17/02/2005 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleweed · 17/02/2005 12:35

hope it all goes ok. thinking of you xxx

Marina · 17/02/2005 12:44

Arabica, sorry I've just seen your terrible news. I am so sorry to hear your baby has died.
I can understand something of how you are feeling because Tom was a "missed miscarriage" too in that I did not realise he had died until I had a 20 week scan. Your words on the stillness of the screen image have filled my eyes with tears for you all, I've been there too.
The short answer in my case is you don't ever get that image out of your head, not entirely. But as time passes it becomes less constant and less searing in its impact.
I hope you do have the scan image as a memento. Make a memory box for your baby, we have one for Tom and although I can't always open it, it's good to know it is there.
If you need it, I know of a sensitive and competent photographer in SE London who can transfer scanned images to black and white photo media, making them much more stable and lasting. CAT me if you would like his number.
We have an organ pipe (piccolo of course) in Tom's name in Lincoln Cathedral and lights on hospice Christmas trees round the country every year. Susanmt's father planted snowdrops for her lost babies...given the time of year, you might like to do that when you feel ready.
Such sadness on Mumsnet at the moment. I still struggle to cope with the no explanation for Tom's death. I run through using an aerosol polish for some sandals the week before, the removal of a wasps' nest from our loft the week before, and even though like you I have been told there is no way these caused his death, I can't ever really let it go.
I try and deal with that by supporting Tommy's, the major charity researching into miscarriage, stillbirth and prem live birth causes in the UK. Maybe some day they will come up with answers for other mothers.
Sending you my sincerest sympathies and lots of love. XXX

lisalisa · 17/02/2005 13:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster
DecafArabica · 18/02/2005 20:15

Thanks for all your thoughts and good wishes. I am now through the journey of the ERPC and out the other side; and although this seemed absolutely incomprehensible to me even yesterday morning, a part of me can now begin to understand how it's possible to regain hope for future pregnancies following a miscarriage. Perhaps it's something to do with the hormones. It could also be the fact that the hospital staff were just lovely. I was never once made to feel that I was undergoing a common procedure--they treated me so kindly and with real sensitivity and understanding. It was important to me to understand more about what had happened to my pregnancy, and before I went to theatre the consultant came in and explained that although I had technically still been pregnant up until 9 weeks, the baby hadn't been anywhere near the size it should and it was more like the size of one at just 4 weeks gestation. I know it may sound irrational but I felt better knowing that because it meant that the baby had died prior to the onset of my bronchitis and therefore the drugs I had had to take had nothing to do with it (yes I know they didn't have anything to do with it anyway, but...) I was given a scan photo and all the time I needed for cuddles with DH and lots of tears. I was just about prepared to go to theatre and be knocked out when I was told they couldn't let me have a general anaesthetic due to my asthma, and would have to have a spinal block. Was terrified this would mean I would see/hear the operation, and be conscious of the moment when the baby's body left mine, but actually it may as well have been a GA because once the spinal block was in, & I had said a final tearful goodbye to the baby (wept all over nurse, anaesthetist and student anaesthetist), the next I remember was the recovery room.
Had to stay overnight because they won't let you home until you have had a wee & I didn't get sensation back to bladder until after midnight. Have to stop posting now as DS coming out of bath and needs bedtime riruals but rest assured I really am feeling a lot better. DH has been wonderful and is really feeling stressed now as he has had to take so much time away from his PGCE course. But we will get through this.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 18/02/2005 20:16

I'm glad things have moved on, honey
xxxxxxxxxxx

milward · 18/02/2005 20:59

Dear Decafarabica - so sorry to read your news. When I had a missed miscarriage & erpc it was a difficult time. I hope that you're doing ok after hospital & that you can rest. I found the book by Christine Moulder "miscarriage - women's experiences & needs" pandora press 1990 really helpful & it got me through. Before the time of mumsnet! Best wishes xxx

george32 · 18/02/2005 21:11

I am so glad that you are through the awful op stage and that it all went ok.
Every day now will be a step in a positive direction.
Sending you my best wishes xx

Christie · 18/02/2005 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kid · 18/02/2005 23:30

Thank you for updating us, I came on here earlier looking for you. Glad the nurses were able to help you through this difficlt time.