Is Daddy going to die? What the heck do I say?

[MummyDoIt]

DH is deteriorating (for those who don't know our story, he has cancer of the oesophagus with secondaries in his liver and lymph glands). He's not eating, losing weight and very breathless. He's due a scan and a follow-up consultation but I'm expecting bad news. The oncologist said there was no point in continuing chemo if there was no improvement from the last lot and clearly he's got worse, not better. So far the boys (5 and 4) have just accepted that Daddy is poorly and haven't asked too many questions but the eldest is starting to talk about dying a lot. My Dad died of the same cancer in November and DS knows that Grandad died because he was very poorly and the doctors couldn't make him better. He keeps saying he doesn't want me or DH to die and still wants to see us when he's grown-up and is a grandad. He's also asked me once if Daddy is going to die. I don't want to lie to him (on that occasion I just said that we hoped not) and I don't want them to be unprepared when it happens but equally I don't want to worry them unnecessarily and have them fretting for weeks or even months. Is there a right time and a right way to do this or do you just answer questions as they arise and muddle through?

rubyloopy - I'm sorry it was so hard for you. Years ago when I was about 18 I had a boyfriend who's father died. He was ill for quite a while and my bf's family tried to keep the severity of his illness from my bf's sister (14 at the time) .

I remember that at one point she asked me if her dad was going to get better and I just couldn't lie (despite being asked to by her mother).

I said something like ' I don't think he will' which of course set off floods of tears. I got into a lot of trouble from my bf's mother for upsetting her daughter at the time.

However at the funeral my bf's sister she asked to sit with me and told me that I was the only one who had told her the truth and she appreciated that.

That was really the point at which I realised that in these sorts of tragic situations as much honesty as is asked for is really the best policy even if it is painful at the time.

MummyDoIt, my heart goes out to you and your family. Echo the sentiment that honesty is the best (and hardest policy). A close friend of mine lost her mum at age 4 and was kept in the dark about everything. This has affected her relationships with her family and with partners ever since.

Another good book might be Falling Angels by Colin Thompson, it's a picture book so might suit younger ages. Published 2001 so if it's out of print I would be happy to send you my copy.