My son has died.

[Spooky2000]

My son has died by way of suicide on 30th April. His father committed suicide before he was born.

The inquest for his dad took nearly 18 months to be heard and from the moment my 'DP' died which was now 31 years ago, his family cut me off and had nothing to do with me or my boy. I later learned that 'DP' had been telling his family and others that he didn't believe our son was his, and that I'd cheated. Not true. That we weren't having sex, that he'd started smoking because of me and a whole ream of stories to others that I had no idea of before his death.

I was basically cross examined by the 'DP' family at the inquest. They never had anything to do with my son and this affected him his whole life.

My son was 31 when he died. He'd had MH issues his entire life, and tbh, I know that it's said that we look for someone to blame, but his elder sibling told my boy when he was only 4 - so in his formative years - that his dad was dead and that the person he believed was his father, wasn't. I believe that this entirely destabilised his sense of self for the rest of his life and the rage and anger I felt towards her for doing such a cruel and spiteful act never really left me. She told me in later years that she was jealous of him as my then DP acted as his father and I was also pregnant, so she felt everyone had a father but her. Her father knew where we lived, but had just simply stopped seeing her, and in later years he denied this and told her I stopped him - I didn't. He didn't pay maintenance for her either.

Her telling my son this really affected my relationship with her. When my son was born, I watched from another room as she taunted him and tried to choke him by sticking her fingers down his throat and I had to intervene. As she got older, she would refuse to share sweets and treats with him, or give her the one's she didn't like. She would be cruel to him verbally and otherwise. He just wanted her approval and love. I wanted to send her to live with her dad tbh, but I felt that the life her father would give her would be just dreadful and that as he wasn't interested, why make him have her. Of course, that's not the story he told her.

My boy was very emotionally sensitive his whole life. I adored him, and his younger sister. The eldest was just awful to them both and there was constant conflict in our lives with them arguing. Eventually I couldn't take any more and after her school even intervened and said she was cruel to children there, I called her dad when she was 14 and said that we were done. Life was a lot calmer after she went, and my boy and his younger sister had many happy times. She just grew more and more resentful of them, despite my trying to include her over the years.

I'm sorry this is so long. My boy is sensitive, beautiful and kind and I always said that each one of them I was proud of because I knew that no matter what, if they saw someone in trouble they would step in and intervene. Now that he has died, she has tried to have the coroner name her as the primary interested party. The fights continue and she just can't take a back seat and, to use my son's expression, STFU. My youngest has had to intervene, so can you imagine the stress on her?

My beloved son has gone. I knew that I had borrowed time with him, but I always hoped that I was wrong.

OP is not trying to blame anyone.

Utterly tragic. I'm so sorry you've been through such a lot.

I thought she was insinuating that her daughter was the real cause of it. Which is deeply unfair and sad. Children fight and are mean to each other. Its natural. Seems like the daughter felt insecure.
I'd feel very resentful towards my mother if she was to insinuate such a thing.

It is only natural to introspect on what might have destabilised a person who killed themselves, she is not blaming her, just thinking out loud.

I do agree, I interpreted it as she blames her eldest daughter for her son’s death as she believes her telling him about his dad caused his mental health issues which led to his suicide. Which I think is unfair. I feel sorry for OP, but also her eldest daughter, who I think has clearly been pushed out the family when she likely just needed support and is now being blamed for her brother’s death.

The daughter seems to be the main theme of this introspection though. I say this as a daughter who was scapegoated, blamed and emotionally abused by my mother who favoured her two sons. The resentment I feel still longer to this day. We need to step back and become aware of our bias. It's effects are so damaging.

I can only say I am truly sorry this has happened to you. Trouble is we are all responsible for our own destinies and if your son had a lot of mh issues he was obvious overwhelmed.
I can understand how resentful you feel towards your eldest it sounds like she has a lot of issues which are making her angry and bitter. I hope one day she will get help such as counselling and sort herself out.
it was a shame she said what she did to her brother but I guess she was only a child and did not realise the implications of what she said. it does sound that if she had issues with her father it really affected her.
There are a lot of bereavement charities which may be able to help you. I can only send you my love and hope you find peace one day

OP has said herself that she's looking to blame her daughter.

I know that it's said that we look for someone to blame, but his elder sibling told my boy when he was only 4 - so in his formative years - that his dad was dead and that the person he believed was his father, wasn't. I believe that this entirely destabilised his sense of self for the rest of his life and the rage and anger I felt towards her for doing such a cruel and spiteful act never really left me.

My sincere condolences to you all.
I hope you can all heal together.

It was awful. This is no word of a lie - when someone came out to see me to take a statement months after my DP died, I mentioned that he'd told me about previous suicide attempts before we began our relationship. She wanted me to leave this out as she said it was hearsay and he'd never been taken to hospital for it, but at his funeral, his best friend even verified that to me from an instance he knew of! Yet, they didn't interview him??

When the inquest was held, the main witnesses (if you like) all said that he'd had a few cans that night. The autopsy showed no alcohol in his blood for some reason, and it transpired that this was the last ever autopsy by the person who did it! It was all very odd; you couldn't make it up. His parents asked me why if he'd been drinking, was there no alcohol in his blood and I said I don't know why I'm not a pathologist and you'd have to ask them. I had no idea why, but I'd even seen him drinking.

I'm sorry to hear that you were also blamed for the passing of your wife. People just need someone to blame; it happened to me and now I'm doing it to someone else when it's not her fault at all, and your wife's passing wasn't yours, I'm sure. It's no-one's fault. My boy was surrounded by people who loved him very much, but he was very dramatic at times - intense. It could be a LOT for all of us to deal with. He wasn't alone - he was surrounded by people, but he just couldn't reach out for some reason.

When my eldest asked to be the primary IP, he said there are 3 interested parties and I will deal with you all at the same time. Since then we've nominated my youngest to liaise, but she has the most experience - ironically, she used to work for the NHS as a mortuary assistant. Fucking bizarre, eh.

I'm going to say that inwardly I do, but I've obviously not said this to her - that said, I do KNOW I'm being unfair and that this isn't an accurate reflection of events - she is not to blame for his death. I pin it on what she said, but it's not the reason he has died. He had MH problems his whole life. His poor sisters and me and his dozens of friends tried to help but it does become absolutely exhausting - really draining, particularly when that person won't seek any help for themselves either. When I was in my 20s, we called this emotional vampirism, rather than what it is: MH issues.

My eldest isn't pushed out. We can't communicate; never have been able to to be honest. I know that she is not coping well at all. My youngest - because of the role she did for the NHS, and also because of who she is, mediates which must be incredibly stressful for her so I'm going with everything she says as this is not easy for any of them. They adored their brother. He used to act as a mediator between them! 😆My youngest did the mediating with me and the eldest, and my son and I were just great friends one minute, fell out the next... it was hard. A really hard life between us all. My youngest was saying yesterday that he must have felt all alone and I said to her that he wasn't alone though - he just couldn't reach out to anyone. God knows why.

I have been through the posts and one of the things I'm grateful for is the reality check that MN brings. I am saying a lot of controversial things; things that some people think but never voice. I've never did learn to filter my conversations. 😭

I’ve lost a father and a brother to suicide. One thing I have come to realise is that absolutely no one else is responsible for that suicide apart from the individual themselves. Anger and blame are common reactions. I now volunteer for a suicide charity and I see it daily. However you need to talk to someone until this anger dissipates. It’s not helpful, it doesn’t provide answers or heal wounds. Your other child is also a bereaved person. You were the adult in that relationship so take some responsibility for your own behaviours as a parent.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your post was hard to read - my heart goes out to your older daughter, who must truly have felt rejected and replaced in your life, not to mention blamed for her brother’s death. A very sad situation all around. I hope you are all able to move forward and start to heal. Best wishes to you all.