I'm grieving excessively for a distant relative (TW death of a young person)

[Ammonity]

NC in case this is outing. I am excessively grieving a death and I'm confused and ashamed about it. I feel like I am stealing grief that isn't mine. Sorry this will probably be long as I want to explain the relationship situation.

My Dsis stepDD has been killed in an accident. She was 25. Obviously this is a terrible tragedy and shock, but it isn't my tragedy.

Context is Dsis and her now DW dated years ago when Dsis still lived at home, DW is older than Dsis and has DC including Amy (not real name) who was of primary school age when they met. So I knew Amy as a little girl but not well, obviously as she'd mainly be at her dad's when her DM was dating my Dsis but occasionally the DC would be around. They were together for a few years but split up for over 10 years. They then got back together and got married, by which time Amy was away at uni so again not around much, at the wedding obviously and the odd family event but she was off living her life as a young woman. So I've known her since she was little but not well. I'd send her a token birthday present and she'd send me a token thank you text. I hadn't seen her since Dsis birthday meal in the summer and I don't even remember talking past saying hello then.

Amy was killed in an accident 3 weeks ago, and I have been a mess since. I cry every day (I'm really not a crier usually). I've cried at work, I cry every night when DC are asleep, I'm carrying around the order of service from her funeral in my handbag. I think about her all the time, far far more than I ever did when she was alive. I want to support Dsis and her DW, this is their tragedy, and I can't be like this around them. I feel like a fraud mourning a girl I rarely thought about and didn't really know as a person and I don't understand it and I need to calm it down so I can be there for the people who did know and love her, and I don't know how.

What make it more confusing is I'm not a stranger to young people dying. My cousin died not much older than Amy, from a reaction to medication. I never shed a tear and I'd known him all his life. I work with people with a degenerative illness which in it's severest form is fatal, and I've known people in their teens and twenties who've died. Obviously I knew them professionally but still I spent a lot more time with them and knew them as people a lot better then I knew Amy.

Thanks anyone who read all that and I'd appreciate any advice or help to make sense of this. I want to support my Dsis and I can't be dissolving into tears around her when it's her loss not mine. I didn't really know Amy, I didn't love her, she didn't cross my mind most of the time and how I'm being isn't right, and I don't understand it especially when I've been around young people's deaths more than most would. Please help if you can.

You are pretty much spot on about the combination of griefs. I've realised that having experienced deaths at work has put me in a weird position of being in the shock and looking ahead to what the grief will be like for the family at the same time. Like I'm experiencing it and anticipating the hard road ahead for DSis and Dsil and the siblings all at once.

I cried last week when Dsis was taking about when they were told the news. Dsis said 'I'm upsetting you' and I said no I cry everyday anyway', which I felt bad about afterwards. But the ceiling didn't fall in because I cried in front of her and we've spent time together since and I've not cried in front of her since. So I'm trying to be ok about it.

I've decided I will look into counselling but the family haven't started counselling yet, they've been contacted so hopefully it will be soon. I won't do it until they can as I don't feel right about that.

The nature of this type of death adds a shock factor that almost amplifies the feelings of grief. I had a friend who died in a harrowing accident and the shock of it had a massive impact on me. It wasnt ‘just’ the fact that she died, it was the suddenness and the nature of the death. So I really wouldn’t beat yourself up OP. Find someone unaffected to talk to if that would help. If you work in healthcare you may have access to counselling?

It will partly be that your own children are getting older and, as a parent, that deep knowledge that losing your child is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you.

Someone I don't know at all lost a baby at 9 months when I had a one year old and l felt a terrible pain I didn't feel over my own losses eg grandparents. I think it's projection onto your own circumstance, plus your love for your Dsis and her DW.

It is a horrible death, she likely suffered and it's possible she could have been saved if she'd been found in time. We will never know exactly, as the accident happened in a rural area, there are no witnesses or CCTV or anything like that. She was alone and was missing for several hours before she was found. It's really distressing and so far out of anything I know. You know this stuff happens, of course, but you never think it will happen to someone in your family.

Losing a child is the worst thing in the world, and knowing the pain they are all in and how this will be with them for the rest of their lives is so awful. I feel like I'm seeing their difficult future in front of them while they're still in shock.

I went through something similar years ago, couldn't stop crying, I felt heartbroken. I knew it was unreasonable to feel such emotion over the death of someone I didn't know that well.

I eventually realised my grief was for the parents who lost their only child and the young wife who lost her husband.

I’m guessing that you can compartmentalize and possibly detach a bit when you experience the deaths you work with. You’re a “professional” about them and I would imagine, trained to deal with it.

But when this heartache is in your family and impacting people you love, and not just another case/patient that you eventually move on a bit from, I guess it’s a different kettle of fish.

In my somewhat limited experience of grief you have to deal with two parts of it - firstly the loss itself and the hole created by the person’s death, and secondly the shock and devastation of how they died. It’s traumatic.

Hope you find a way through op and condolences to your wider family.

It’s the utter tragedy of it. A parent should never have to bury their child, it would be the most horrific thing to ever happen.

My great aunt passed away at the grand old age of 89 and whilst I was sad I wouldn’t see her anymore, I was heartbroken because I knew she’d had a good king life well lived and was happy. Her funeral was a celebration of her life, though sad for us, not unbearable.

I attended a child funeral (11 years old) at the beginning of this year and that was the most awful, saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m a family friend of the mother and only met the child 4 times or so but it was heart wrenchingly sad. That affected me more than that if my aunt because it was so tragic and unfair. At my aunts funeral there were smiles and laughs about things she’d say etc but not at the child’s funeral. There wasn’t a dry eye in the church and it just felt so different. We celebrated the long life auntie had and were thankful for that, but at the child’s funeral it was the years lost, the years they were never going to see. It’s making me emotional writing this OP so I understand.

Thankfully most people won’t ever have to attend a child’s funeral and that’s the way it should be.

You are so hard on yourself
From what you’ve said about your job I’m amazed you don’t have clinical supervision. Is that something you feel up to exploring?

This thread has been so helpful for me to try to untangle my feelings. I started out thinking 'I can do this at work, what's wrong with me?' and it's helped me see that this is a combination of so many difficult things. The way she died and the shock of her dying unexpectedly; the pain I feel for my Dsis and the anticipation of the pain the family will be in going forwards, I'd give almost anything to stop them from going through this; grief over what Amy's lost; pressuring myself to be ok when I'm not and feeling like I should be able to support them better without feeling as I do myself. I've probably missed things too. Thank you to everyone who's posted, it has helped so much

Ach, sorry. Tried to send bunches of flowers from the app. Anyone, huge bunch and look after yourself.

Consider therapy ( not counselling).

I have has similar ( but different)

*Anyway
*Has

A few years ago, a very young child was extremely tragically killed, while out with his mum, in a nearby city. I had a child the same age and there were a few other similarities I had with the family impacted. I did not kn9w the family at all (someone I knew a bit knew the family).

I cried every day, couldn't sleep, and I woke up distressed during the night, for weeks. I couldn't think of anything else during the day. I couldn't barely cope if DH took our children out for a walk thinking the same could so easily happen. I couldn't stop thinking about how the child's mum could ever cope with what happened, just so completely, devastatingly unlucky, for one split-second, and so helpless to stop it.

There are songs that I came on the radio at the time that I still can't even listen to now. I still think about the family a lot. Your post has made me think about my reaction to it. I know what you mean about how 'that grief is not mine'.

I think it's because you know have children, you know what happens to families who suffer a loss like this, and you then know what your SIL & Sister will be going through because you know (or imagine) how you would feel if you were them and this terrible unfair tragedy happened.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to your family. Do get yourself some support to help you manage your feelings on it. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thank you @Ammonity for sharing your story, I’ve been going through similar feelings lately. It sounds as though you’ve always been a strong presence in the face of other people’s pain, perhaps for whatever reason this is a bit of a release for you. It will get better, it won’t always feel this bad (telling myself this too as it’s very overwhelming).

A few years ago my friend lost a baby, I was close to her at the time and was there for her throughout. I recently had a baby and the birthdate happened to be the same date as her baby loss, I thought I was ok with that and even had a chat about it with my friend and she was nothing but supportive and lovely although I’m sure privately it must have affected her. After a few days something snapped for me and I just felt distraught and so so guilty thinking I must have caused her additional pain, I could not stop crying every day and it felt very extreme and distressing. I could not understand it as I know it was her loss, not mine, but I kept thinking back to that time and how awful it must have been for her. It was much more intense than what I felt at the actual time it happened (which in itself was very sad indeed).

I know other things are at play for me like postpartum hormones etc and I also have history of anxiety which probably added to the mix. But reading these posts I think there is also a grief around the acceptance of reality itself - these awful things can and do happen, mostly randomly, and even if they don’t happen to you personally, it is still terrifying to watch helplessly from the sidelines. I appreciate everyone that has shared their story here as it’s made me feel less alone in how i’ve been feeling.