Direct cremation family grief

[VioletButterfly]

To anyone considering a direct cremation please reconsider, you can choose a family only no fuss cremation with a local funeral business for roughly the same costs with your wishes sorted in advance if you don't want as I've been reading to bother your loved ones. 10/6 disposal day is the only way to describe how awful it was for me a daughter who adored and loved her mum, the grief hits hard 3 year's today I'm still lost in grief no celebrations no family get together just emptiness..So please remember the people left behind xx take care. 💜💜💜🦋💜💜💜😪

I'm so sorry about your mum xxx

I have a similar experience in that my dad had a direct cremation earlier this year. The difference was that he didn't choose it, it wasn't his wish and there was no memorial either. I find that much harder than the loss of him; although I accept this was a wider family choice and not the fault of the direct cremation company.

I do feel it should be more widely publicised that you cannot go to the direct cremation. You are not allowed to be there, you can't even stand outside. I found that hard.

I am so sorry again for your loss x

I agree with you that it takes something away from the loved ones xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mum has said she wants a direct cremation and I plan to respect her wishes. We as a family Will a mini celebration afterwards to remember her.

I do feel sorry for you OP. However, I had a direct cremation for both my DM over four years ago , and my DF over one year ago, and have no regrets. I also adored both my parents, and am an only child. However, once they had died that was the end of their life, and I prefer to cherish the time I spent with them when they were alive.

We are all different, and for some people it is the right way.

Was the cremation today OP? In which case I am so very sorry. Sending love to you, and your beloved mum. xxx

I see it was 3 years ago but my message still stands 💐

I think you should have a delayed Wake on her honour.

Book a room somewhere, get a projector with photos, invite anyone that knew her.

I'll be having a direct cremation. It'll be all paid for and set. But I'll also leave a little money to my daughter to either plan a little gathering or to spend on herself for something to remember me.by.

My father had a direct cremation. My mum sister and myself are opting for a direct cremation. You can choose to have a 'wake' for remembrance at any time after the event. Personally I don't see the point of a traditional funeral and service. After my fathers passing we chose to donate money that would have been spent on a traditional funeral to local animal charities which we know he would have wanted. The wishes of the deceased should be respected implicitly

I’m going to be having a Direct cremation as will my husband , I’m happy with our choice as are our adult children . Sorry for your loss @VioletButterfly but everybody is different and no funeral suits many people .

So sorry for your loss OP.

Direct cremation can be very useful and appropriate for some people though.

Also, direct cremation doesn't always mean not having any type of event, a lot of people opt for direct cremation with a separate celebration of the person's life. We're doing this for my mum later this month.

It is way cheaper to do direct cremation and then have a separate, self-organised funeral event as it cuts out the incredibly expensive funeral director's fee.

When it comes down to it, all methods are body disposal. For us we didn't think it worth spending thousands on a funeral director to have a service in the unattractive crematorium chapel - instead we are having a service in a beautiful room, and spending all the money that would have gone on a funeral director on flowers and a delicious buffet lunch. The room I've hired is way nicer than the crematorium chapel and we don't have to rush through our service in 20-30 minutes.

I suggest that you do something to mark and celebrate your mum's life, eg a tree planting ceremony, ashes scattering event, or even a celebration of her life service in a hired room and make it special. It is never too late to do that.

I've done some research and it's the cars , flowers , pallbearers that are expensive. You can have a very basic funeral for 3k , you still get a full service, you can arrange your own flowers , make your own way to the service and family members can carry the coffin in .

I’m having a direct cremation, my DCs and DH know and have no problem with it. I’m leaving money for everyone to have a lovely get together and meal.
I strongly dislike funerals and cremations, as necessary as they may be for others.

If you know what day and time it is then why not hold a celebration of life wake? That way it still feels like your doing something, I know it's too late now, but it is stated on the information when you get it. Sorry for your loss and sorry you feel this way.

I think as a society that the ceremony of a funeral/memorial event (however you choose to do it) is really important and I dislike the trend for packing people off with nothing to mark their space in the world.

I also think it's sad for family and friends and that there's a catharsis about a funeral that can bring a great deal of comfort to the bereaved.

Also can I just point out that for lots of us it is not about cost , I just don’t want a funeral , I don’t like funerals .

I’m so sorry for you losing your mum..

We had to have my dad’s funeral during the first lockdown, and whilst we were able to push the boundaries of the ridiculous rules which were in force because it was a burial, we found it really hard as we weren’t able to come together with friends and family following the burial.

Its often said that funerals are for the living, and whilst the deceased’s wishes have to be taken into account I think there should also be some consideration for those grieving

So sorry you're feeling like this. Grief is horrible.

I have a loved one who has chosen this. As a family we are apprehensive. However my family has been very clear this is exactly what they want. It's not about us and what we want and this (weirdly) does comfort me. They don't have much control of their life/decision making and I love and respect this person so I'm hopeful that following their wishes will make me feel better than having the upset of funeral arrangements etc which in the past I have found adds to the trauma of greif.

I am sorry about your loss.

But honestly, despite having a funeral and cremation 2.5 years on from losing my mum I am still heavily grieving. The funeral didn’t really help.

I don’t look back at it as a celebration of her life. Even though it was. It’s a day I would rather have removed from my memory.

Unfortunately, you will never know if a funeral would make you feel better or not.

Those were your mums wishes. For whatever reason. That doesn’t, however, stop you having a get together to celebrate and remember her.

When my Dad passed he had a direct cremation. Close family had a meal on the day of the cremation. A couple of months later we had a big family getogether to celebrate his life. I genuinely don't think I could have coped with a funeral. Sorry to be blunt but the thought if my dead Dad being in front of me in a coffin is the worst thing I could think of.

Could you arrange something on your mum’s birthdate, have a celebration of her life. Maybe that will give you a sense of closure.

Remember if a relative plans a direct cremation, it doesn't mean you cannot organise a memorial service yourselves eg my local pub organises a lot in the side room- they provide a Pa system so music can be played, eulogy given, even prayers if you want, it's just the coffin isn't there. Alternatively if you want more formal, talk to your local church about a service of thanksgiving.

The one piece of advice I'd give to anyone newly bereaved and in the position of needing to organise a funeral is to research your options and take your time, and not feel pressured into choosing something which isn't right for you and your family.

As a PP says, decisions on the most appropriate funeral type are often nothing to do with cost, but I do feel strongly that funeral directors sell a very expensive service that is not always needed. As you're dealing with them when you're raw and upset, you're incredibly vulnerable to being sold their service and add-ons when you may not need them.

I spoke to a wonderful, sensitive funeral director who was very open with me that her fee was £1,500. Adding her fee to the costs of a cremation with a service at our local crematorium, and some basic costs for transport of my mum, the total for a cremation with a service was £2,800. A direct cremation ordered online was £995, so that's a difference of £1,805.

If we were religious, or my mum had wanted a service in the crematorium chapel, or any of my family had needed that to help them grieve, then I would have had no problem spending this additional money. However, my mum specified she wanted an unattended cremation with a party to celebrate her life, so it was appropriate that we chose to hire a separate venue for our service and celebration following a direct cremation. The celebration event for my mum is later this month and I'm happy that we're following her wishes and creating an event she would have loved.

I'd urge anyone planning a funeral to consider:

• The wishes of the deceased
• The needs of the grieving
• The overall costs
• Whether you really need a funeral director or whether you can put together the events yourself

You can do a lot more than you think yourself (DIY funerals) and still honour wishes and create a memorable and meaningful send-off.

We had a Direct Cremation for FIL at the beginning of the year. But that doesn't mean no celebration of life.

We still had a lunch with speeches and photos. We just didn't sit in a room with the coffin first.

Locally the Coop charged about £1200 for the Direct Cremation, a basic funeral was over £3000. That is a big difference.

We had a direct cremation for dh and a wake for the few who helped us. I don’t feel ripped off.

It really is awful I'm sorry for your loss x