Everyone asking me how mum is

[billsandcanaries]

Dad died recently after a long illness and we are all upset.
Mum cared for him at home and he had carers too.
Since he died on numerous occasions people ask me how my mum is.
It makes me really irritated as I am grieving too but everyone seems to be more concerned re how mum is doing!
Also I have received two sympathy cards and mum lots of cards.
It's as if me and my sisters are an afterthought.
I know I sound bitter but just surprised at the lack of support for me and my siblings.

Losing a father is tough; I've lost both a parent, who I was very close to, and a spouse, but I can tell you from personal experience the loss of a spouse is on a different level.

Unless you still lived with your dad and he was your main source of friendship, comfort, shared-experience, physical affection and the only other parent to your children (which would be a very odd father-daughter relationship) you've lost a part of your world, your mum has lost the centre of hers.

But it's not a competition. You will each feel grief and you will each suffer in your own way; be supportive, not competitive with that grief.

So sorry you are going through a terrible time just now, sending my sympathies to you ❤️.

To answer your OP, I think it's partly as people just don't know what to say in case they say the wrong thing and upset you. Asking how Mum is deflects the conversation a little as asking how you are is more likely to cause you to start crying. Everyone asking will care about you as well

Thankyou everyone
You have all helped me

I lost my Mum in her 50s, over 30 years ago. I have siblings and we were all devastated, there are no rules or ways to quantify things. But I agree with PPs, people probably mostly see the spouse as the person with the primary loss, and send cards to them 'and family' or similar. I think most were addressed to my Dad even if from my close friends

I lost a very dear and long term friend a few years back. They had two siblings my age but my letter of condolence was to their mum (they didn't have a partner). I imagine I wrote 'Dear Mary, Jane and Jean' but addressed it to Mary. It's what people do - and they wouldn't mean to diminish your grief.

I'm sorry for your loss .

I’m sorry. I totally understand how you feel. I lost my mum 5 years ago and my dad a few months ago. I think what you’ve experienced is quite normal. Most people only send one condolence card etc and put and family. Those cards your mum got will be for you too.

I imagine your friends are also younger than your mum’s and I think condolence cards might be less popular with younger people. I’m in my mid forties. Nobody sent me a condolence card after my Dad died. Some friends turned up with flowers. All sent texts and tried to meet up with me and buy coffee. They care they show it in a less traditional way. I don’t know your exact circumstances but I am the first of my friends to lose both parents, most haven’t lost one. I have also lost a baby. And I do think until you experience bereavement it is hard to understand it and know what is a good thing to do.

Also to add about people saying how is your mum. In my experience people are crap at knowing what to say when people die. I got that years ago when my baby died. A few people would rather avoid me than say the wrong thing. I quickly learned that saying anything was better than nothing. The people asking how your mum is are just trying to say something. They care about you too.

and I am so sorry about your Dad. It is such a crappy difficult time. I’m struggling too. It is so difficult isn’t it? 5 months on and I am not ok. It’s still so hard. I know it will get easier but it is a slow process and we are all different in how we experience it. xx

I am sorry for your loss.

As others have said, in a situation like this people tend to focus on the bereaved spouse who has been left on their own after losing their life partner.

With regard to the cards, the traditional custom in my part of Scotland is that the cards are sent to the bereaved spouse/head of the family.

I'm sorry for your loss. Big hugs if wanted. 💐

Losing a parent and having to look after the remaining one is so so hard.

I had exactly the same experience. fortunately one of my friends warned me about it - the fact that everyone would ask after mum and not ask about me.
I'm interested to read these responses but I'm afraid I don't really believe them. if anyone wanted to know how I was, they would ask.

And it does seem that they really don't care. On one occasion I got a phone call from one of mum's friends saying "I know you've only just got home but I'm really worried about your mum - can you come back?" It was two bloody hours on the train and I was with mum most of the week!

I don't mind admitting I was furious, and I explained bluntly that I was exhausted, I needed to lie on the floor and weep (because I couldn't do that in front of mum, had to be strong for her) and therefore, no, I was not getting back on the train. She had the decency to apologise. She didn't offer to stay with mum herself, funny that.

I am really grateful to the people who actually asked after me. I mean if it's me you've bumped into the street, how hard is it to say "how are you?"

By the time my dad died, my poor mum had dementia, but she still felt the loss.

I was fortunate in that dad was a good age when he died. Even so, it was a tremendous loss to me. However, the prevailing attitude seemed to be "Well, that's life." (Someone actually said that to me.)

I think that might be because most people who lose a parent already have children of their own to focus on and there's an attitude of "Well, it's the time for the next generation."

When my husband died three years ago, one of his kids tried to comfort me saying "It was his time." It's really not much comfort when you've lost the love of your life.

I'm trying not to be clumsy with my words because I don't want to cause further upset for the OP. I hope that she gets the comfort and solace that she needs and deserves.

I don't think that people are deliberately mean - they just don't always empathise the way that you might expect.

Three years after my husband's death, I've stumbled across a Bereavement Cafe. I've been once and it's helped.

If there's anything like that available in the OP's area, I'd advise her to go. There's no counselling, but just people with a shared experience of losing a loved one.

I thought of this thread this week, as I saw my friend who has just lost her mum. And I was aware that I almost immediately asked her, “how’s your dad?” . If I think about it afterwards, it was a way of opening up the conversation. I’d asked her how she was; in her typically British way, she’d replied “ok - you know” and we’d only had a superficial conversation. Asking how her dad was actually allowed her to talk about her own feelings, albeit indirectly. I don’t think people are very good at talking about their own emotions (or asking others directly about theirs). Just a thought, anyway.

I understand how you feel. When my lovely MIL died a few years ago everyone asked me how DH was. No one really asked me how I was, despite the fact that we had a close, loving relationship for 40yrs. She lived next door to us for 13 yrs, I took care of her on daily basis, and she was more like a mother to me than my own mum, we had a fantastic relationship. I was quite hurt at the time even though I understood it was his mum.

I don't think there is any malice in it, just people naturally ask after the one closest to the deceased.

I'm sorry for your loss x