DH died suddenly 10 days ago - why so calm?

[wink1970]

My beloved DH of 23 years died over Easter of a stroke - it was not painless, the staff at Canterbury hospital and the initial attending paramedics were beyond awful (another thread for the legal section when I’m ready). I saw him die.

I'm struggling with how calm I am. It was sudden and to say we were happy is an understatement. I loved him with my entire soul, we did everything together, only 12 days apart in all that time.

why I am I so calm? I’m having waves of tears and I need to be strong for his kids (grown up, also handling surprisingly ok), and we did often discuss this as he had cancer 15 years ago ……. But still, why’s this going on? I’m going to crash and burn aren’t I? Just need to know so I can prepare.

thank you. This is awful for us all, I wish you all peace and eventual happiness xxx

I’m really sorry to hear this. I do think (from experience) that when we go through something truly traumatic our body protects us from the initial impact. I think over time grief comes in waves and it can take a long time to process these things. It may not be a linear experience.

I so sorry to read what you have been through/are going through! Grief hits you if different ways. You are being strong for everyone around you, dealing with everything that is going on.
Please be prepared for the crash as you say, I was the same last year when my Gran passed away (she was so much more than my Gran) I thought I was handling it well and then it just hit me. The anger, the frustration & the emotions.
If you need some to speak to PM me. Just take one day at a time. Xx

Everyone grieves differently. TV and the media suggest you have to be wailing and an emotional wreck. However, many people take things a lot more calmly, and maybe quietly shed a tear or two here or there, but don’t break down.

Do what’s right for you, and take one day at a time.

sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry @wink1970 I get the feeling you are feeling guilty or worried at how calm you are. No one but no one has the right to judge another for how they manage or cope with grief. There is no right or wrong as it is your grief and no own else's. You very well may still be in shock plus have the additional stress of feeling the medical profession has let you down. Your focus might be on one thing now and then rest will come with time.

You haven't processed it. It's completely normal op. I'm so so sorry x 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My husband died just over 3 years ago, in different circumstances (he died of cancer, but we only knew that it had returned and was terminal for 12 days before he died), and those early days are strange. I honestly think our minds and bodies protect us a bit at first, by keeping us going and relatively calm until it gradually, over time, starts to seem real.

There will be so many different moments to come where the grief will hit and each one will feel slightly different. Even now, 3 years in, I have days where it almost doesn't seem real and times where it feels just as raw as those early days.

So sorry that you are having to go through this. Thinking of you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take one day at a time. You are in auto pilot. You are going through the motions expected of you and being strong for everyone. It will hit you in whatever way suddenly and I hope the kindness you are showing your DH family at this time they will return the gift to you. Everything is manic following a sudden loss then suddenly life returns to normal but for you it will not be. Hand hold and hugs.

🌹💐 so sorry for your loss.

I hope you have family/friends to support you later in the way that you are supporting his family now.

I'm so sorry, op. I think you are still in profound shock. I don't think you have really processed everything that's happened, and I strongly suggest you start grief therapy. I think you are really going to need the support. Also, don't make any big decisions for at least a year. You need lots of time to work through this horrible tragedy.

You are in shock, sweetheart, and that is beyond understandable given what you are dealing with. As a previous poster wrote, our bodies protect us from the most acute pain, until we can work through it. I am so very sorry about what you are going through.

You are in shock, sweetheart, and that is beyond understandable given what you are dealing with. As a previous poster wrote, our bodies protect us from the most acute pain, until we can work through it. I am so very sorry about what you are going through.

I’m so sorry. I lost someone to stroke too and it really is the most insidious evil bastard of a thing. I hope you have people to look after you now, that in time you look after yourself. Nothing useful to say except you are not alone x

It's the brains way of protecting you. I was very calm after my husband died. His death was sudden. It took me a long time to process the enormity of it all. I went into survival mode, taking care of my young sons, so much to sort out, trying to keep life to some kind of normal. I read up a lot on grief, looked on forums for people who had gone through similar. It probably hit me at the 6 month mark that this is how life is going to be now, and that scared me. Other people who had not experienced this were kind of expecting me to move on. What l will say is that through it all, when grief was at its worst, there were still parts of the day, no matter how small, when it subsided, like waves. I learnt my own coping mechanisms, getting outdoors in the fresh air, planting up a garden, spending time with family and friends, as well as beloved pets.Writing in my journal.
I am so sorry for your loss, there is a lot of helpful advice online, widows groups etc.
Best advice is to be very kind and compassionate towards yourself, take each day as it comes.

I was the same , made phone calls calmly telling people what had happened and calmly getting things done
I didn't crash and burn and you won't either it comes in waves and steps and stages
I kept expecting to fall into this massive black hole but kept plodding on
The concerning part for me was your trauma at his treatment and that will be where you need help
Contact PALS online and let them know your concerns
My mum was convinced for years that my dad was " bumped off" by the medical staff and that has been a huge obstacle in her grief progress

@wink1970 I'm so sorry. It sounds awful. You are still in shock and you are calm because that is what will get you safely through this part of the storm. The time for taking in the enormity of it will come. Just not yet.

Thank you so much for such prompt responses! I’m struggling with the suddenness of it all. It’s like a bad dream, keep expecting him to come through the door.
he was just so young, I don't know how to face the next years.
thank you for listening. X

Thank you, I will, the ambulance who transferred him to London for surgery (that didn’t happen as too late after 9 hours ) gave me the details and she actually offered to testify against Canterbury’s stroke unit.
it won’t bring him back, apparently, but I’d like someone else to be offered better care.

I'm so sorry, OP. It won't feel real. The unthinkable has happened. Now your body and mind is just getting you through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. And there are many practical arrangements that have to be done, so your brain is hyperfocusing on those. Funeral arrangements etc.

You just put one foot in front of the other (metaphorically) and keep going. And that's how you get through it. You face the waves of grief as they hit, even if they don't hit for a few months.

Re feeling calm. Perhaps your brain HAS subconsciously prepared for this, without you even realising it, during the time he had cancer? I don't think it's till a loved one has a close brush with death or appears to be obviously declining towards it that we can even consider them not being in our lives anymore.

Suddenly there's a quick flash of the possibility of them not being there permanently, and your brain doesn't want to deal with that yet but DOES file the thought away in a little metophorical filing cabinet marked "stuff I don't want to think about yet". Now and again we go to that filing cabinet, get out the file and look at the cover, know roughly what it contains, and that is enough, and we put it back again. It is all part of preparing to accept the inevitable. We know it's there, and our brains become used to it being there. So in a way when it does finally happen, we go straight to that filing cabinet and there is a file there that we're already familiar with and not a brand new thing to us. IYSWIM.

A bit wierd but that's how I see it.

@wink1970 i
i'm so sorry xx. Life is so unfair!

when my Dad died suddenly (massive heart attack out of the blue) I was calm. I 'coped' I looked after my Mum and took care of all his stuff, there was a lot to do & I got lost in the business end of it.

one day I fell apart, it suddenly dawned on me that I couldn't Just 'cope' & 'get through this ' And everything would then be back to normal.

maybe you will have your dawning & maybe you'll just slide into acceptance like some people do.

Dont let anyone tell you or imply you're grieving 'wrong'. On a more generous level, maybe they just want you to know you don't have to 'be strong' & 'that they're there for you when you're ready to fall apart'

look after yourself ... keep the fluids up and eat what you can. 💕

I am so so sorry. My dh had a stroke over easter too Im so very thankful that mine has had a good outcome just recovery time is needed however there was a time where i didn't think we would survive or be anywhere near "normal" Its so sudden and your life can change so instantly.

You will be in shock as will your children they will also be trying tonbe strong for you its such a difficult time. Prepare for any lne of you to unraval at any point but it may not happen any time soon. Everyone is different

Shock probably.
I lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack. I found him. My kids were 4 and 6.
The first 24 hours were surreal, mainly as I had to tell everyone. Of course I cried, but privately. To the outside world I was totally together and organised.
I was calm because I had to be. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, one chore then another. I didn't have the time to 'fall apart', not with two very young kids.
15 years later I still grieve. I still cry. But we are stronger than we think.

I am so sorry to hear what has happened. Your grieving will be yours and there is no pattern or rule book. I was pretty calm after my husband died and then got tied up in all the arrangements and things to be done. I admit that after that I rang the Samaritans a few times - I was on my own and just a voice to talk with - someone to listen - it helped so much.

Take all the help you can get. Sending strength your way.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

You might not crash and burn. Some people don't. I had a loved one die and I was sad but I don't think I even cried which is extremely weird as I've cried over tv programs. I don't know why but I'm sure it's not because I'm repressed or trying to control my emotions. It's just how I am. As a family we can talk about our loved one easily and we are able to say if we fee sad. I resent the assumption that some people seem to have that unless you fall apart then you can't have loved the person who died and that you are holding everything in. I went back to work fairly quickly as I wanted too and I'm really glad I did. Everyone was kind to me and I preferred it to being home.

Everyone grieves differently. Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to that.

I don’t think there’s anything I can add, I was also going to say that you’re in shock and your brain will let you come to terms with this when you’re ready. It’s perfectly normal to feel calm, I think it’s a coping mechanism.

I am so sorry though, really I am. I wish there was something I could say that would help.

💐

I am so sorry.

I think that it may be a delayed shock

My DH was very ill but survived against the odds but 3 of his bed neighbours died- one of which I saw and was in the middle of- and worse 30 minutes later they had still not told his son sitting outside who I walked past with me in floods of tears.

About a month later a client asked me a question about my DH and I just collapsed into tears and just replied- I saw a man die , I saw a man die. They didn't try to save him. She had lost her DH a year before and she got it but it was very unprofessional and I cant explain why it all came out then.

It is PTSD and it may well come.