Clearing out DM's flat and feeling overwhelmed. Any tips to make it easier?

[BeforetheDawn]

My DM died last month and although it wasn't exactly unexpected, I'm still finding the prospect of sorting through her things and clearing out her flat daunting and overwhelming. We're luckier than many in that she had downsized a couple of years ago and got rid of a lot of things then but there's still such a lot.

I've just been trawling through amazon looking for books that might help and have come across The Gentle Art of Swedish Death cleaning, but it's written from the point of view of getting rid of your own stuff in advance of dying. I feel like I just need a bit of a handhold and some pointers on where to start and how to organise such a big task, and I realised the collective wisdom of MN might be more useful than a book! I was wondering if anyone who has experience of this could share tips on how to go about it, physically and emotionally.

I agree with all the advice above. When I had to clear my dad's house I spent 2-3 hours each weekend doing it in sections/rooms over a couple of months. I asked friends and family to help in turn so nobody felt too imposed on. Once everything had been gone through and sentimental items removed, I had a professional house clearance. The only issues with that were DH pointing out what they were trying to sell online - which I shut down very quickly, and walking into an empty house afterwards. That had a real emotional impact, not least because it was our childhood home.

I wish you well, it's a difficult thing to go through 💐

Hi OP. I am doing this atm with my mother's stuff, she is still living and in a care home, my father died a few years back. In fact I am due another stint in an hour or so! Feels like a full time weekend job!

I thin you've got to view it as the possessions of another person who is no longer here to use them. As others have said - boxes for the charity shop, binbags for the not so good stuff, ask the council to take what they can by way of large bulky items. And a memory box for yourself. Keep a few books that meant a lot to your mum, some things to remember your childhood by. A few bits of jewellery and maybe a couple of Christmas decorations. You could always photograph things you're reluctantly getting rid of. Photographs are a nightmare - I'm trying to get everything into one album, and I'll scan another pile and save them on a memory stick. Good furniture/jewellery can be sold and the money given to a charity that meant something to her.

Don’t expect to do it fast or all in one go. If you can take the time, then do.

I favour lots of sweeps through doing the obvious things.

I think you can get a carload at a time of ‘obviously not keeping’ things, and a bin load of rubbish, on every visit.

As time goes on it gets harder, but you’ll be more in the swing of it and have more space to work in- sorting separate piles for later consideration, for example.

Just to give you a bit of a heads up, although as others have said the clothing is the easiest to decide to get rid of - for me it generated the most strong emotions. Many clothing items will generate emotional memories of times your DM wore particular items, and clothing does feel very personal.

That being said it’s a good place to start as you can clear a lot of space fairly quickly, and as it’s the most raw emotionally it’s good to get it out of the way first. The bathroom items are also the same.

On a practical note do check all pockets, I used to work for a charity retailer and we would sometimes find money and other valuable items hidden in pockets. When I cleared my DMs house I discovered she had hidden several hundreds of £s in some of her overcoat pockets, and I have heard since many burglars check clothes drawers and cupboards for hidden cash. My own DM was a very together and organised woman who was very competent person using banks and other institutions. My guess is it gave her a sense of feeling independent by having cash in the house when her physical health declined.

I’ve have this responsibility and cried a lot but also felt that I was demonstrating my love for her in doing it.

And as others have said, think about the people who will treasure her possessions. I still have furniture donated to me by friends of friends that helped me furnish my first home many years ago.

Hi. My mum went into a care home just before Christmas. Not the same at all, but hers was a housing association flat so we only had four weeks to completely empty it.
My goodness I didn’t realise how much stuff she had. I brought all the paperwork home, a big file and three plastic bags worth ! And photos. I still haven’t fully sorted them.
We gave a lot to charity and the rest to the tip. I’ve ended up with a coffee table and two plastic trunks of her most treasured things.
It helped us in a way to only have a short time, everyone is different but I couldn’t wait to finish it. I hated going almost everyday, it’s so upsetting. I’m sorry for your loss. Sending you strength and hugs .

Sorry for your loss. Some great advice here. I'd just add that we found it really helped to feel that other people might cherish things, so we used freegle a lot.. often you get really nice connections with people who genuinely love what you're giving away and it helps to ease the sorrow a little I found.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Lots of good ideas above. I would like to add that there were some items that I have always loved since I was a child but didn't have space for in my house eg a lovely tea set. I photographed these things plus took some photos of the inside of the house ( it was to be sold) and I have all these memories in a photo book I made.

I'm home again now and I can't tell you how grateful I am for every single one of your replies, and for all your collective wisdom, kindness and gentle encouragement to do what needs to be done. I checked in throughout the day and it really kept me going. I was able to throw away the things I came across which gave me that little shock of recognition - trinkets I had forgotten I remembered and intensely personal things like her hairbrush, which are no good to anyone else. I'm not sure I would have had the strength without your wise words in my head. I knew that keeping them would only be putting off the tough decision and making it harder in the long run.

I photographed some things before putting them on the bin bag (the slotted spoon with the melted handle I remember from childhood!) and I have a bag of things to bring home too, but I know that letting things go is the best way. Now that most of the obvious throwaway things are gone the next job will be to find homes for the things that other people may need or value, but it feels like the most painful and brutal part is mostly done. Thank you all for guiding me through a difficult day.

In asking friends for help don't overwhelm them. Ask for an hour or two at most. Have a system set up that they can understand. They will more likely ask you if they have another free day.

NEVER throw out paperwork until at least two people, together, have gone through it.

I've recently done this and it really is a labour of love. It took me far longer than I thought, partly as I found it so difficult I was really inefficient. I think if I had to do it again I would have hired a clearance company, but in some ways the process was cathartic. If I hadn't gone through everything I would have missed a lot eg my baby clothes in dms wardrobe.

I got decision fatigue after a while, so have kept too much, but I couldn't bear to part with everything all at once. I'm hoping to whittle it down gradually but it's tough. You have my sympathy.

Pp have given good advice. I found it a comfort to give things meaningfully eg a friend took all my grans knitting stuff and wool for her mum who's a keen knitter, friends took some of my old toys for their children, tablecloths and lace went to someone for upcycling, lots to charities that were close to my parent's hearts etc. We only threw what we couldnt sell/ give away.

Local fb pages are your friend - you'd be amazed what people will take if it's free. Good luck.

NEVER throw out paperwork until at least two people, together, have gone through it.

I absolutely concur with this, because there might be a record of something that you knew nothing about. With my late DH, I found record of an ISA from more than a decade earlier which he appeared to have forgotten all about or might have closed. I wrote to the firm on the off-chance that there was money there and much to my surprise there was.

Yes, to checking for cash - my late DM squirrelled away hundreds.

She was also a hoarder and had kept much of late Grandfather's, who was also a hoarder. DB and I were in effect clearing a house and a half. We decided that with the thousands of old photographs that if we hadn't a clue who the people were or when they were taken we would just throw them out. Even after days of solid work we ended up getting a house clearance firm in.

On the positive side, you will find mementos of thing you might have forgotten about which are good to keep and give you happy memories.

You do find the weirdest things. So far, I've unearthed a distress flare, a bayonet from the First World War, an English copy of Mein Kampf (sold during the Second World War to raise money for the Red Cross, I hasten to add), and my own hair in a plait, cut off when I was about 11. And an ashtray with my mother's picture at the bottom of it, stuck away at the back of a cupboard, which must have been one of her worst presents ever.

Placemark as I thought I hadn’t done a great job, but reading through so many of the lovely things other posters did that I did too has been very affirming. I’ll list tomorrow.

I was next of kin and executor for my beloved uncle who also inconveniently lived and died on an island! So lots of the usual reselling/ recycling/ charity options weren’t available.
•Car to cousin
•household essentials- tv vacuum iron pots and pans to another cousin setting up home.
•2 lots of mugs- one went to his church- the coffee ladies rejected them for general stock and asked if they could take one each as a momento. Another set of six I took to my workplace.
•food prep, slicer and vacuum pack to a community supermarket.
•Towels to donkey sanctuary!
•Butter dish to me. Pottery which matches a bowl my mum gave me, also to me.
•sentimental personalised ring sold for £50 and I bought myself a bracelet.
•Sofas sold via local selling site. I had ds with me and put him in charge of it- we were only there that time for a long weekend so the logistics of listing, viewing and collecting were too much to juggle with other tasks.
•loo rolls soap etc home with me.
•tree (!) small and pots home
•mattress, it was new and made me very happy he was looking after himself and not worried about money- home and in son’s bedroom
•books, probably only about 10% kept- others sold to local bookseller and about half went with house clearance
•Dining room table and chairs and freezer to a friend.
•fish! To same friend and some garden tools.
•cat to brother
•garden furniture to church
•art to family
•I ate the contents of the freezer on tidying visits. Brought home a Dukeshill roast and ate with family.
•bedding underwear etc to clothing bank (one of those bins in a supermarket)
•smarter clothes and ornaments to charity shop. I registered for gift aid with the nearest one.
•Ugg slippers, a gift from me (unworn 🤯) on my feet
•posh shoes and suits to ds- they’re the same size
•some tools to decorator friend but mainly brought home.
•family photos and postcards out of albums and in a box under a bed at home. Some real treasures and random things- cards friends sent him at the same address where my son now works. Beautiful picture of my grandmother engraved to my grandad on my mantelpiece.
•a few pieces left for to the buyers at their request
•house clearance.
I still have his new laptop and phone in a bag which I will sort out one day- feels a bit intimate and overwhelming.
It felt like looking after him.

How are you getting on @BeforetheDawn
Apologies for the dump above, it’s the last thing we can do for our loved ones and I found it comforting to think about what I’d done.

I was an only child of a single mother who died age 60. I had to sort out all her possessions by myself. Some went to auction, the rest given away. I kept only a handful of mum's personal items. After the whole process, I threw away a lot of my own personal stuff, such as tons of photos and old birthday cards which I'd never look at again. I edited it down to the truly important memory-things, which are now in a small antique box in the loft room, and I rarely look at the box contents. Life goes on.

Also, while not entirely related, there's a program on BBC iPlayer which I find really cathartic, as the struggle with 'stuff' is an ongoing thing for many of us.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m00116n4/sort-your-life-out

Personally, I've found that you start off a bit overcautious and then get more ruthless - it's an awful job and so wearying and you just want to get it finished.

I thought I had cleared out the sideboard then opened a door to find another sodding dinner service, never used. I mean, why? My parents had things like a full set of sherry glasses and they were teetotal and we never had a bottle of sherry in our house, ever, to my knowledge. 🙄

One box of keepsakes is also what I am aspiring to. And while it seems almost sacrilegious to dump photographs and books, it has to be done. The people who come after you will thank you for it!

Do it - the one box of keepsakes. You will hardly ever look in the box. I look at mine about every 3 years maybe. I'm glad I kept the things I kept but zero regrets for the stuff I chucked.

Thanks for your message Lamelie and for all the helpful info in your previous post (please don't apologise! I really appreciate it.) Sorry for not coming back to the thread before now, I've been over my head in funeral stuff so the clearing out took a back seat for a while but it's time to apply myself to it again.

It's really helpful to have that step by step guide to what to do with all those day to day household items and I also value the advice on what to do with personal items from my own childhood RogueFemale, thank you for that. I have bought some plastic storage boxes with lids and I'm depositing things into them in categories, which I'll then go through at a later date and edit down. A single box of keepsakes seems like a good goal AInightingale.

One of the things that's on my mind is a huge amount of very old photos (think Edwardian era and before) of people I have no knowledge of. They're beautiful and I feel like I need to pass them on responsibly to someone who will make good use of them, but I have no idea who that person might be or what use they could have. It feels disrespectful somehow to get rid of them fairly randomly.

The new series of Sort Your Life Out has come at just the right time! It really does reinforce that what I really need is permission to let go. Thanks to everyone for their handholding and help and hugs to those who have been here or are here now.

With the antique photos, try a local auction house. The right auction house might not be a local one, but they might point you in the right direction.

After the whole process, I threw away a lot of my own personal stuff, such as tons of photos and old birthday cards which I'd never look at again.

I was like this too, but then I am not a hoarder.

As for the old photos, I kept a few of my grandfather in WW1 uniform which I had never seen before and kept a few 'studio portraits' of people who I assume were family members, but the grainy black and white partly out of focus shots of unknown people we just binned. I would happily bin many of my old photos too, because I never look at them and it would be better just to keep a selection and put them in albums.

OP, if your Mum owned her home and you need to sell it, my advice would be to keep enough furniture and pictures etc to keep the property looking like a home for when you market it. A lot of buyers struggle to get a sense of the space without beds, sofa etc to give scale and empty properties can feel quite depressing.

Yes, good point. But depends on the deceased's decor style and pictures, and the potential value of the property. An alternative would be to clear, clean and spruce up the empty spaces.

Talking about photos, sometimes a local museum or county archive will be interested.

And post things on Facebook. People are interested in the strangest things, for art projects etc. as well as history.